I don't want your pity, I just want to vent and express myself the best way I know how

I hear laughing and people being social, and then there’s me; alone, in my hotel room. I hate myself, I’m mad at myself, because no matter how much I want to be social, and make friends, and have people to hang out with, and talk to, it just doesn’t seem to happen. Everyone’s all “Just go out and do something/ Talk to someone…” They think it’s so easy for me to just go out somewhere in a crowd of people and strike up a conversation with the complete stranger next to me. I want to ask them, “Do you not see my fingers, my hands? Do you not pay attention to how I shy away from people, large groups; how quiet I am? IT’S NOT FUCKING EASY.” Going out in public makes me so anxious that I pick my fingers to pieces. I see all the happy couples, families, friends; and then there’s me, by myself. It’s so overwhelmingly depressing sometimes, the reminder that I’m alone, and have the hardest time asking people to hang out, or just to talk because I don’t want to be a bother and interrupt whatever they’ve got going on that’s most likely way more important than my stupid issues that are always the same… Sure, I might open up a little, but I’m still quiet and reserved. Outside of my sarcastic statements, I don’t know how to hold a conversation past the basic ‘get to know you stuff’. I don’t know what to ask, without seeming like I’m being nosy. There was a time when I was really quite social, back in my freshman year of high school. Heck, I made a high school best friend simply because one of us mentioned Dream Street on the walk to math class, and then we became friends after that. So yeah, at one point it was easy for me to make friends, talk to people, be somewhat sociable. And then relationships happened; and things started changing. People would say things, and I’d try to prove them wrong so they would like me. Then THE relationship happened, and things LITERALLY changed; all over a stupid feeling that I thought I had…. And while it was okay in the beginning, it eventually wasn’t okay. A lot of mistakes were made, and I really wish I had had the strength, the courage, to just end it instead of taking “breaks”. Of course, when it did actually end, I regretted it and wanted to take it back, but it was too late. I know things that happened in that relationship changed me; things that happened after that relationship changed me, and I don’t think it was for the better. I shouldn’t be terrified to go out to run simple errands; I shouldn’t be afraid of talking to real people, in person; I shouldn’t feel the need to physically shrink away from people when they get too close to me. I want to be the person that I imagine in my head; strong, confident, has self-esteem, doesn’t care what people think about her, and doesn’t compromise on her beliefs/standards in the off chance that a guy is remotely interested in her. I know that guys see me, and see how weak, shy, and timid I am. They take advantage of the fact that I look like the type of girl who has a hard time saying “no”, and just wants people to like her. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve told guys “no” before, in my sporadic moments where I actually care about myself and my standards, and know that I’m worth much more than someone’s sex buddy. But most of the time I’m not, and that mentality is ingrained in my mind for some reason that sex is all I’m good for. I focus on my failures; my shortcomings; my flaws; my faults. I see other people living the life that I want to live SO BADLY, but feel like I will never live because it didn’t work out with the one person that I realized a little too late that I wanted to be with, despite all of the crap that he put me through, because of what I did to him and I felt I deserved what I got (but really, who deserves to be someone’s “secret girlfriend” just to prove to them that you can handle being in a faithful relationship with them while they’re in another relationship with someone that they didn’t even have feelings for? WHO FREAKING DOES THAT SHIT???). Because life happened, stupid choices were made, and more stupid choices were made, all because I didn’t want people to be mad at me, or hate me. Even when I knew I was right, and all I wanted was someone to be there to support ME, and be there for ME. It’s okay though, apparently I’m not allowed to think or do anything for myself. Clearly I don’t know myself well enough to know what I can and can’t handle. Whatever. I just wish… I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I didn’t have to try and reach impossible standards that were set before me, and then feel like a complete failure because I didn’t reach them. I wish I wasn’t afraid to say what’s on my mind, because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, or make them not like me anymore ( I don’t even know why I worry so much about whether people like me or not…). I wish I don’t have to worry about anxiety, or possibly depression, and unhealthy thoughts. I wish I could just completely erase certain parts and people from my past, like I never met them, or those events never happened. I wish I could be the person that’s in my head… But I don’t know how to do any of that. I want to have a life, and meet people, and make friends… How does someone do that when large crowds make them anxious? Even around friends, I’m quiet and eventually fade away into the background because I don’t know what to say, or talk about. I’ve gotten used to being by myself. I’ve gotten used to not having expectations anymore. I’ve gotten used to settling for what I can get, because I’m too afraid to say what I want, and stand up for what I want, and not budge from what I want and settle for less than what I want/deserve. But maybe it’s because I don’t feel like I deserve what I want. Whenever anything good happens, I do something to mess it up. Maybe I deserve to be alone, to see others living a life that I’ve wanted for myself, but at the same time, I’m afraid to have. I go out, and I find that I’m always comparing myself to someone else that I see, and I always come up short. I know that no one’s life is perfect, and I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but for whatever reason that doesn’t change the fact that when I look at myself and my life compared to someone else that I see, I feel less…accomplished in my life. And then I think “if I hadn’t messed things up back then, my life would be so much different now. I would be happy, because I got what I wanted.” That’s not the case, though. For whatever reason (and I know this is completely backwards), I’m not happy with me unless others are happy with me. I try to set goals for myself, I try to better myself…and then I fall behind somehow. Sometimes, I can pick myself back up again and just keep on trucking. Most of the time… I’m my own worst enemy. Maybe I’m too hard on myself; I expect perfection and when I don’t get it I feel worthless and stupid, and then it’s no wonder I’m not where I want to be, because I fail at everything I try to accomplish. Why do I even bother trying, right? It’s whatever though; I’ll just suck it up, squeeze it in the bottle inside and keep moving somehow… Maybe one day I’ll care enough, long enough to be the person that I probably would have been, had life gone differently or something.

Oh, that clever green-eyed monster

I have a confession to make: I get jealous. Pretty easily, apparently, and over a lot of things. I'm jealous of people with lots of money. Jealous of single moms who can actually handle having their kid(s) with them. Jealous of people who are in relationships, dating, or even have the attention of someone who really likes them and doesn't mind showing it. Jealous of girls that are prettier than me, and have better/ more clothes than I do. Jealous of people who are in shape (yes I know, this is something that I can really get over by myself if I just exercised and ate right consistently). Jealous of people who can start a conversation with anyone. Jealous of people with friends. Jealous of people who carry themselves with confidence (again, something that I could most likely get over on my own). Jealous of people with college degrees (especially if they're younger than me, because then I feel like I've done nothing with my life except fail at getting a degree in a normal time frame). It's really sad that I just came up with an entire paragraph pf things that I'm jealous of, when it should be much shorter or non-existent even. Then again, I'm only human, and I don't think I'm the only person on the planet who deals with jealousy.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this post. I just realized (after hearing the thoughts in my head) just how easily I get jealous about things, and I really don't like it. When I get jealous, I start trying to do things or buy things or act a certain way to fit what I'm jealous about; if that doesn't work, I just retreat and stay quiet (which makes me look moody and like I don't want to be there, and sometimes I don't and want to just leave). My point is, my jealousy is getting ridiculous, and I really don't like that I get jealous over so much stuff. Not everyone/everything I get jealous over is perfect behind closed doors, and I get that, but that doesn't change the fact that I want it too, you know? I know that this issue of mine is really holding me back from being myself because I'm too focused on doing what I can to fit in and get the approval of those around me. At the same time, I know that when I'm not being myself, I get more self-conscious, and then I get paranoid that people can see that I'm not being myself and that my facade of being someone who's part of the "in crowd" is crumbling around me, and exposing me as this awkward person who's horrible in social situations, and usually ends up on the couch watching t.v. and feeling miserable about herself even when she wants to go out and be around other people.

I wish that I could not get so terrified being around large groups of people. I wish I could hold my own in a group of friends and be confident enough to join the conversation/activity instead of shying away into a corner because I'm too afraid to be myself, let go and just enjoy being around friends. I really and truly wish that I was confident enough in myself to not care what other people think (to a certain extent) of how I dress, act, or talk instead of...remodeling myself to fit whoever I'm hanging around with so that they'll like me. I wish I could put on an outfit that I feel like a million bucks in without pointing out every flaw that I see (like a muffin top); and when I come across someone who's dressed nicer (in my opinion) than me, be able to think "Wow, her outfit is hot, just like mine!" instead of "Wow, she looks so much prettier than me, I should have worn something nicer so that others will notice me more too."

I wish I could stop putting so much pressure on myself to fit in and be liked by everyone and instead just focus on being the best me that I can be and accept and live with.

Is it really this normal/common for birds to be flying around this airport? O.o

Today is a very special day. It's hard to believe that 4 years and 5 days ago, my daughter Arianna was born at 8:46am. And now she's 4. FREAKING FOUR YEARS OLD! Where has the time gone?? It's so crazy, and I think it feels even crazier for me because I'm not around her 24/7, but she really is growing up so fast... Maybe too fast? I've already missed so much, and I hate having to miss more of her milestones and other accomplishments that she will reach as she continues to grow. That.  will change though, I have a plan that I believe God has shown me, the next steps that I need to take to not miss out on anything else, and be a happier person.

Not many people know this (and by not many, I mean hardly anyone, until now), but I HATE crying. Not so much when other people cry, but I hate when I cry. For the longest time I've always linked crying to being weak, but I've learned since Sam, and since I've had Arianna, that sometimes it's okay to cry. Sometimes that's the only way to really deal with everything that's going on in your life. Sometimes it's good to just have a good cry and let out all of the stress and frustration that's going on in your life. Sometimes tears are the only worthy replacement when you can't accurately express how you're feeling. I've noticed that for me, crying is a good way to really get in touch with God, and feel His comforting, loving presence around me until I fall asleep, waking up the next morning feeling refreshed and not even remembering what I was crying about the night before. So for me, it's also a reminder that I'm not alone, that God loves me, and He will not leave me.

Well, this post has certainly taken a turn that I was not prepared to take, haha. I guess that's what happens when you just left your fingers type whatever comes to your mind, the only corrections being grammatical/spelling errors.

Anyway, this morning I clicked on a video that was posted on Facebook, because it looked interesting. Turns out that it's a compilation of various service members coming home from deployments and surprising their families. Usually, I purposefully avoid these videos (and the TV show that used to be on TLC, I think) because I know that they would make me cry. And yet, I couldn't close out of that video...5 guesses as to what happened while I was watching the videos lol. What's also funny is that I also had something in my eye, which caused even more tears, so even if I had been around someone and tried to use "oh I've got something in my eye", they probably wouldn't believe me even though it was totally true -_- It got me thinking about how it will go when I get home to VA today for Arianna's birthday. Will there be tears? Most likely (and most likely from me and my mom, ha). I'm both excited and nervous, because I don't know how Arianna will react, let alone how I'll react. I just know that it will be a happy and exciting time, and I can't wait to spend it with my family :)

I CHOOSE...

Happy New Year, you guys (whoever actually reads this thing, lol)! It's 2014, 2013 is in the past! I wonder how long it will take for me to get used to writing 2014 on paperwork now... Anyway, I just wanted to do a quick post at the start of this year, about goals. I used to do resolutions, but those never lasted more than a week or two. So, thanks to a few ideas from a friend of mine, and some wonderfully helpful advice from another friend, I decided to come up with goals instead. And they're not just any kind of goals, they're goals for LIFE, and I just wanted to share them with you all! I'm reading a book that was highly suggested by one of my friends mentioned above, and it has a lot of good information in it, things that really make you think and realize how much certain things can have a major impact on your life. If anyone wants to read it for themselves (and despite the title, I would still suggest this to anyone), it's called Think and Grow Rich, a Black Choice (don't be afraid of the title!). I'm still near the beginning for the most part, but I've learned a lot. Now I'm rambling now, so here is a picture copy of my Goals for LIFE!

I wanted to actually write them down somewhere that I can see easily, which is why I went with the giant dry erase board (although I should've used wet erase markers...). This way, I get a daily reminder of what my goals are, and motivate myself to stick with them even when I don't want to!

I guess that's it, I hope everyone had an awesome New Year's, and will continue to have an awesome year :)

At first I was going to make this a Facebook status update, but decided to go the blog post route instead. There's more to this that I wanted to write about, and didn't want to have a novel for a status update lol. 

Yesterday I wasn't really in the right head space. I was really worrying/trying to understand something, and it was really frustrating for me. It got to the point that I basically went to bed right when I got home at around 5pm. I just felt really overwhelmed, and couldn't understand why. However, after waking up this morning, I felt so much lighter than I did yesterday. I realized that I can't do things for other people because I want them to like me, I should do things for people because I want to. Or I'm doing something for me. I can't please everyone, and I can't make everyone like me by sacrificing what I want. It's time I did things for myself, and stop caring so much about whether people like me or not. It's not going to be easy, but I'm done trying to please people for any other reason than because I want to. Say what you want, but I'm doing things for me and my daughter. That's it. 

Kutless - "Identity" (Official Lyric Video)

This song came on Pandora while I was walking today, and I feel it pretty much sums up my thoughts about myself. Hope you enjoy!

Looking for the heart pieces

Leave it to me to not write a post for awhile, and then when I do I write about something depressing that I'm sure not a lot of people think or talk about very often. I don't either, actually I very rarely think about this, but I find it strange that I thought about it today (I think it's been a few years since I last seriously thought about this). Wondering what it is?

On my drive home today, I found myself thinking about death. Well...not so much death itself, but what happens after death. And not so much to our bodies, but to us. Our personalities. Our memories. Things that aren't so physical and easy to explain. For some reason, I can't accept that things just...stop. Like...what happens to our souls? Wondering about that really just makes it real that you're alive one day, and possibly the next...that's it. The end. There is no "wait, I didn't do this or say that". It's just...nothing. For those of us who believe in something after death, it's either eternal peace with our perfect bodies in Heaven with God, or eternal torment in the fiery pits of Hell. If you really think about it, eternity is FOREVER. Like, ongoing. Today I found myself wondering, "what if there wasn't a Heaven or a Hell"? What if our spirits just wander- well, maybe not wander, more like...stay- here on Earth? Where's Heaven; where's Hell? I guess that's where faith comes in. But for some reason, I was having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you die, and either go to Heaven or Hell (if you believe in that) for all of eternity. Is the afterlife just like living a real life, only your body is dead and your spirit is in another...place? Maybe it's just how my brain is, and how I think, I don't know. What I do know, is that when I think about things like the afterlife, it really makes me nervous and anxious about death. Because that's it. There's no restart button. No heart pieces to get extra lives. It's just the end. We won't know if there's an afterlife until we die, and I'm not so sure I like not knowing (not like I really have a choice).

But it does make you think about the life you're living; if you were to die tomorrow, or even in your sleep, would you be at peace with the life that you led? You may not accomplish everything that you wanted or thought you'd accomplish before your life was over, but would you be proud of what you did do with the time that you had? It kinda makes me appreciate life a little more when I think about how final death is... At the same time, it makes me anxious because it's like there's things that I want to do but since I don't know when my time is up, there's no way of knowing if I'll even have time to do what I'd like to do. That's not to say that I shouldn't at least try, but at the same time, I don't want to rush and try to do everything either, you know? I don't know. I just had to get this out there, or else it would've bothered me for who knows how long. But now that I've voiced my thoughts in some way, I can now push it to the back of my mind until it decides to subconsciously make it's appearance again.

Oh and by the way, no, I'm not contemplating suicide. I'm not depressed (at the moment) or overwhelmed, these were just thoughts that were on my mind that I wanted to express.