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Thursday 31 May 2012

Grateful

Ever since Women's Bible study on Wednesday night (aka last night lol), I've been feeling like I need to really let go of the past, stop letting myself get in my way, and really, truly, turn to God. Something about watching the video for next week really opened my heart to what I feel God was trying to tell me and show me. I know that it was Him, because even after I got home, I kept getting that feeling of "Hey, go write these down on your mirror so everyday you see the positive affirmations I want you to know." So, now they're on my mirror. I'm playing catch up on the bible study we're doing, because I got lazy and didn't go last week so now I'm doing two (three?) weeks worth of bible study readings before next Wednesday. Anyway, I was doing my bible reading, and before I started I prayed. It was a long prayer, but I was able to get what I was feeling out to God. All of my concerns, my genuine requests that I felt prompted to ask Him for without feeling guily... I felt so different doing those bible readings. I could comprehend things I probably wouldn't have understood before. I felt God speaking to me throughout the reading, and now I think I know what He wants me to do with my life. I'm still praying on it, but at the same time I'm stepping out on faith and taking those steps to accomplish what I feel He's placed on my heart. I'm actually excited about it, too :) I'm looking forward to finishing some more of readings tonight, and hopefully I'll be all caught up by next Wednesday.

But I digress. I'm just feeling so grateful today. It was a good day, and I honestly believe it's because I prayed this morning and throughout the day. When I woke up, my first thought was "This is the day that the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it." I don't usually think thoughts like that. Usually I'm hating that I have to get up and go to work, but today and last night it was different. I think it was because of what I prayed for last night. I'm not sure if I should keep praying for those same things, because I know that God doesn't like repetitive prayers, but I feel like if I don't keep asking, it won't happen. Hm. I'll have to ask Him about that one, and do some reading on that. But anyway, I'm just grateful that today was a good day. I  was patient and kept my cool whenever Arianna wouldn't listen to me, I just stuck to my usual warning tactics to let her know that I meant business (and I think I'm getting pretty good at it too, she's not waiting until I get to 2 most of the time before she does what I asked her to do in the first place). I didn't feel bad when I had to put her in timeout today, and the times I was happy, I was genuinely happy. I didn't have to force it. At work, I wasn't overly sarcastic, I was in a fairly good mood.


Something that I'm REALLY grateful for though, is that He was with me when I went grocery shopping, and I didn't venture too far off of my shopping list (which is a bad habit that I have... I'm an impulsive shopper sometimes). I was able to get everything on my list minus the oranges, because I forgot, and still stay under budget thanks to rewards coupons and having a rewards card. I am trying REALLY hard to be better about how I spend money, because I'm pretty skilled at blowing it all very quickly on things that I don't remember spending money on. So I was VERY happy that I was able to have money left over from grocery shopping. And even though I couldn't get cash because the ATM was broken (thank you, bank employees for letting me sit there for a good 10 minutes wondering why I wasn't given an option to take out cash -_-), thinking back on it, I believe that God planned it that way so that I could have that opportunity to really test myself to see if I could stay within my grocery budget, knowing that I could go over it and still be covered by what was in my bank account. I trusted Him to guide me through every item choice that I made, and in the end, His guidance left more money in my bank account for other things. How do I know that it was God, and not me? I went to the Vegetarian food aisle to see if they had a brand of meatless product that one of the Youtubers that I follow eats (I'm trying to eat cleaner, and she had high reviews for this brand), and lo and behold, they did (along with some other things that I will need for a recipe that I want to try next pay period). Now, if it hadn't been for God, I would've gotten almost every product under that brand name (sad, but true). But God reminded me of my budget, and I stuck to the items that were on sale.

Not only did I save money on my grocery shopping for the next two weeks, the food that I bought has a purpose! Usually I just go through the circular and build my list from what's on sale, but I got a premium lifetime membership to a  weekly meal planning service online for free, and picked two recipes that I wanted to try. The site built my grocery list off of what was needed for those recipes, and I was able to take out the ingredients that I already had (I had completely forgotten that I had tilapia in my freezer, and that's the main ingredient in one of the recipes I'm trying!), and that's what I stuck to. I added a few things to that list though, but still I stuck to that list. Because I was under budget, I was able to get the things I needed for a third recipe that I wanted to try, but wasn't sure if my budget would allow it. But now I can, and I'm really excited to start making these this weekend (one of the recipes is a crockpot one!)!

Basically, this post is a complete 180 of what my last post was... It's amazing what going to bible study can do. And to think, I almost didn't go this week either. But I'm glad I did :)

Sunday 13 May 2012

Motivation, Life, Truth

I can't guarantee that I'll write this post in the order of the title, I just like the way that title looks and sounds in my head. This past weekend I decided to start writing in my journal again, and while I'm doing that I realize that there will be times when writing just won't be enough and I'll need to type out what's going on in my head because honestly, I can type faster than I write and my typing keeps up with my thoughts. With all of that being said, let's get this party started, shall we?

It's time I stopped trying to lie to myself. I'm not happy with my life. I feel stuck. In my job, in this state, as a person. I enrolled in school, because I figured that would help me realize what I want to do with my life. It also doesn't hurt to have a bachelor's degree in something that will actually be worth something whenever I decide to get out of the Air Force. Thinking about it though, I have to wonder- why do I keep going through the motions? I mean, yes. I want to go to school. Yes, I'd like to get a degree in Human Resources Management. Not sure why yet, but it seems interesting. I'd like to get into Psychology, but I don't want to be a therapist when I have my own problems to deal with. Although I do have an interest in learning how people's minds work. Moving on. I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't really know what I like or don't like. I know that I like reading, but I don't really have time for it much anymore. It's hard to read when there's a toddler you have to take care of all the time. But seriously, who the hell am I? I thought I knew. Clearly that's not the case, or else I wouldn't feel this way. There's just so much that I have to be aware of. Arianna, work, school, money, my family... So much to keep track of and try to take care of and do a good job at... At the end of the day I just don't care about anything anymore, and I don't want to do anything but sleep. It seems like that's the only time I can actually get away from everything. Unless I end up dreaming about it. Or I get woken up by Arianna who can't seem to sleep unless she's right under me sharing my pillow, or using me as one. By the time I get back to sleep, my stupid alarm goes off. My life is the same stupid routine: wake up, get ready for work, get Arianna ready for day care, drop her off at day care and go to work, work all day, go pick up Arianna, go home and attempt to do chores, play with Arianna, maybe fix dinner, get both of us ready for bed, and then sleep. The next day, repeat the day before. It gets so repetitive and frustrating and boring... How do I make my life fun and interesting again? I'm tired of just going through the motions and doing things because I think that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm tired of pretending that my life is okay and that I have everything together, because I don't. And now I'm irritated. Ugh. I hate when these stupid moods get triggered by the littlest things (like certain a certain child that won't go to sleep and keeps whining when her blanket isn't on her because she won't lie still).

I don't even want to write anymore, but I suppose I might as well keep going. Not sure how this is going to sound now, because I'm irriated. Anyway. I guess that was life and truth mixed into one paragraph, so now I get to talk about motivation (or lack thereof). See, this week I want to start getting into shape (how many times have I said that in the past? I'm pathetic, I know) and eating healthier so I can lose some of this stupid baby weight and tone up. Only I have no motivation. Nor do I know where to get it. Or how to stay motivated. I'm frustrated by this, because I know that for a week or two, I'll do great. And then the third week will hit, and I'll get lazy and not want to do a darn thing. Tie all of this into the already crappy life I'm living, and that leaves ZERO motivation to want to do something productive. Why can't I figure this out?! How to be a single mom who's got her life together, while having no family support anywhere near her? Yes, I feel like my life freaking sucks right now. Or at least it has been for the past who knows how long. I can never stay motivated about anything for long, and once that motivation is gone, I don't know how to get it back to I'm back to hating my life because I'm a freaking quitter. Man I hate being in this irritated, frustrated mood because now this is turning into some kind of pity post or something. I don't know. I'm done writing this stupid thing. I'm pretty much saying the same thing over and over again, just using different words and it's a stupid idea. Why do I even bother doing stuff like this if it only makes me feel angry at myself for letting my life turn into this giant mess? Maybe journaling was a bad idea. I think I like pretending that I have no problems is a much better way to live. Time to put the mask back on, and lock up my feelings. I don't want to have to deal with any of that crap anymore.