Motivation, Life, Truth

I can't guarantee that I'll write this post in the order of the title, I just like the way that title looks and sounds in my head. This past weekend I decided to start writing in my journal again, and while I'm doing that I realize that there will be times when writing just won't be enough and I'll need to type out what's going on in my head because honestly, I can type faster than I write and my typing keeps up with my thoughts. With all of that being said, let's get this party started, shall we?

It's time I stopped trying to lie to myself. I'm not happy with my life. I feel stuck. In my job, in this state, as a person. I enrolled in school, because I figured that would help me realize what I want to do with my life. It also doesn't hurt to have a bachelor's degree in something that will actually be worth something whenever I decide to get out of the Air Force. Thinking about it though, I have to wonder- why do I keep going through the motions? I mean, yes. I want to go to school. Yes, I'd like to get a degree in Human Resources Management. Not sure why yet, but it seems interesting. I'd like to get into Psychology, but I don't want to be a therapist when I have my own problems to deal with. Although I do have an interest in learning how people's minds work. Moving on. I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't really know what I like or don't like. I know that I like reading, but I don't really have time for it much anymore. It's hard to read when there's a toddler you have to take care of all the time. But seriously, who the hell am I? I thought I knew. Clearly that's not the case, or else I wouldn't feel this way. There's just so much that I have to be aware of. Arianna, work, school, money, my family... So much to keep track of and try to take care of and do a good job at... At the end of the day I just don't care about anything anymore, and I don't want to do anything but sleep. It seems like that's the only time I can actually get away from everything. Unless I end up dreaming about it. Or I get woken up by Arianna who can't seem to sleep unless she's right under me sharing my pillow, or using me as one. By the time I get back to sleep, my stupid alarm goes off. My life is the same stupid routine: wake up, get ready for work, get Arianna ready for day care, drop her off at day care and go to work, work all day, go pick up Arianna, go home and attempt to do chores, play with Arianna, maybe fix dinner, get both of us ready for bed, and then sleep. The next day, repeat the day before. It gets so repetitive and frustrating and boring... How do I make my life fun and interesting again? I'm tired of just going through the motions and doing things because I think that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm tired of pretending that my life is okay and that I have everything together, because I don't. And now I'm irritated. Ugh. I hate when these stupid moods get triggered by the littlest things (like certain a certain child that won't go to sleep and keeps whining when her blanket isn't on her because she won't lie still).

I don't even want to write anymore, but I suppose I might as well keep going. Not sure how this is going to sound now, because I'm irriated. Anyway. I guess that was life and truth mixed into one paragraph, so now I get to talk about motivation (or lack thereof). See, this week I want to start getting into shape (how many times have I said that in the past? I'm pathetic, I know) and eating healthier so I can lose some of this stupid baby weight and tone up. Only I have no motivation. Nor do I know where to get it. Or how to stay motivated. I'm frustrated by this, because I know that for a week or two, I'll do great. And then the third week will hit, and I'll get lazy and not want to do a darn thing. Tie all of this into the already crappy life I'm living, and that leaves ZERO motivation to want to do something productive. Why can't I figure this out?! How to be a single mom who's got her life together, while having no family support anywhere near her? Yes, I feel like my life freaking sucks right now. Or at least it has been for the past who knows how long. I can never stay motivated about anything for long, and once that motivation is gone, I don't know how to get it back to I'm back to hating my life because I'm a freaking quitter. Man I hate being in this irritated, frustrated mood because now this is turning into some kind of pity post or something. I don't know. I'm done writing this stupid thing. I'm pretty much saying the same thing over and over again, just using different words and it's a stupid idea. Why do I even bother doing stuff like this if it only makes me feel angry at myself for letting my life turn into this giant mess? Maybe journaling was a bad idea. I think I like pretending that I have no problems is a much better way to live. Time to put the mask back on, and lock up my feelings. I don't want to have to deal with any of that crap anymore.