Holidays and new relationships (or relationship)!

So! I figured, while waiting for my next batch of bread dough to rise (I thought I'd try another recipe and see how it turns out! I like it so far...WAY easier than the first loaf), I would do some blogging!

Anyway- CHRISTMAS! I think this is the first Christmas I was ever physically...alone. No family here, I didn't hang out with my coworkers and their families, and I also didn't go to some random church member's house for an awkward Christmas with people I don't know. Not to mention that I'm single so there wasn't a significant other to spend moy time with either. So I was fully prepared to spend this family oriented holiday by myself. I mean, I knew I was going to try and call home and talk to my family, but it's just not the same as being there or being able to see them. Cue my brother calling my phone via FaceTime (an Apple version of video chatting between Apple products like Iphones and Ipads)... I was confused (didn't know he had an Iphone to begin with), but then I was happy because I could SEE my family! I could see Arianna (who by the way, has definitely gotten taller, and also reminds me of me haha)! It was great being able to see and talk to everyone, and watch Arianna open her present from me (I got her some clothes, a Dora DVD, a toy smartphone, and a microphone), and see the other presents she recieved as well. It was just so great to see her be her. And she's so HAPPY, I could tell. I'm happy that she's able to be around famioly that will love her in ways that I can't right now. I can't wait to see them next year (just not sure when... ) before I go to Korea for round 2. So basically, what I thought was going to be a depressing Christmas, turned into a pretty AWESOME one :)

While reading up on the CurlyNikki Forums that I particpate in, I came across a post that mentioned a Christian female blogger, who writes about spending time with God daily, allowing God to show you His purpose for you, different posts on courting...There's a lot. Her name is Heather Lindsey, and you can find her blog {HERE}! I've been reading every one of her posts, and I've learned A LOT. The most important lesson? Before I even THINK about a relationship with another man, I NEED to work on my relationship with JESUS CHRIST. In every single one of her posts, she mentions how important it is to spend time with God EVERY DAY, and to make it a PRIORITY. That is the relationship that I need to work on. My relationship with Christ. I've been feeling so lost with my life, not sure what to do or how to go about doing it... I need to build my relationship with Christ, get as close as I possibly can to Him, let Him lead and guide me to where HE wants me to be... I need to make spending time with Him a PRIORITY. I'm not sure how much more I can emphasize how important this is. Anyway, point is, my new relationship is with Jesus Christ! :D

Well I guess that's all I wanted to blog about. Time to go finish making bread! :)

A little bit of darkness, to come into the light

Sam and I talked about finding my deeper inner self. He thinks that I'm afraid to find out that I really am shallow and naive and that I'm scared to actually be a deep person. Thinking about it, I'm inclined to agree. I don't like it, but sometimes I am content with just acting like a teenage girl although I'm twenty years old. When he asked me what I wanted to do/be, I told him that I wanted to write but that it's been too long since I've done that. To which he said that when I write is one of the few times he's seen the deeper side of me. That and when I actually have intelligent things to say and when I'm serious (and not depressed). So...I guess I have to figure out how to bring this deeper side of me to the surface and show people that I'm smarter than I let on. -Excerpt from a journal entry from 2008 on my livejournal account.

I'm not sure what prompted me to even look up that account, and sadly when I went to look for my first livejournal account, I found that I had deleted it :/ Why would I want to go back and read about that past with Sam? I really don't know. But reading this part of one of my old posts... It really made me wonder. Why am I so worried about being a deeper person? About being in touch with my emotions?

For example (and I might be seen as heartless for this, but I'm just being honest); the shooting at the elementary school in NewTown, Conneticut. Is it a horrible thing to happen to harmless children and teachers? Yes. Am I crying about it, having a hard time sleeping at night because I can't believe that someone had the gall to go shoot up an elementary school and then wasn't even man enough to face his crimes so he shoots himself? No. My heart didn't fall through the floor when I read the articles after it happened. I do think it's sad that it took something like this to get people to look harder into tightening gun control laws. This whole situation is a sad one. But like a friend on Facebook said in a post, she barely flinched when she heard about the news. I believe that there are some of us who have really just gotten used to hearing about school shootings, mall shootings, theater shootings... I mean, they're all horrible. But after awhile, you just get used to hearing about these things on the news. You become desensitized to the whole thing. Which is a BAD sign of how things have been. To be honest, I feel like a monster because I don't feel more emotion about this shooting in Conneticut. It kind of scares me.

Do I really want to be that person? I would like to be more in touch with my emotions, actually have legitimate, smart thoughts. I still feel naive, like I did back in school. How do I show myself that I'm not some emotionless freak? Should I get back into writing again? I'm not sure I want to write again. Although it would require tapping into my feelings, since I write more poetry than I do stories (and at least I finish those)... I know though, that I do have some dark thoughts. Do I really want to bring those to the surface? It's not that anyone would have to read them I suppose, and maybe it would help me be more...me. And not hide how I'm feeling...

*sigh* I guess it's time to reopen the door that I've been subconsciouly trying to keep closed...

And...*drum roll*

I'M BACK!!!! I'm so sorry, I suck at blogging, but I PROMISE that I have a reason! When I traveled home with Arianna, I put my laptop in my suitcase in it's carrying case, thinking that it would be okay. Wrong. It got a crack under the screen. Not a physical one, but one that you could see from one corner to the other, with a few black splotches along it. As time passed, the splotches would get bigger and bigger, until the only useful part of my screen was the bottom left corner. That's how I worked on two of my online classes. Until I was working on a math word problem. Here is how I feel about math. I HATE math. Loathe it. Detest it. I also hate word problems, because I have a hard time comprehending what I'm reading/ what the heck I'm supposed to do. Cue moment of intense anger and frustration... And there goes my laptop as I chuck it onto the floor. Effect? The screen (well under it) spiderwebs into tiny cracks, and the screen is useless. So I was without a computer for most of my two classes the semester before last. Lemme tell you- trying to get two class assignments/quizzes and tests done while at the library; NOT EASY AT ALL. So... I have an online class starting up next month, and I knew I did not want to work around library hours again. So I went to Aaron's and rented a laptop. Hopefully after taxes I can buy it. It'll be tight money wise, but if I want to succeed in school, I need to have a laptop.

So, what's been new with me? I moved on base (and after deciding that Arianna should stay with my parents for awhile, realized I should've stayed off base lol), and got an assignment to South Korea again! I'm SUPER excited about it. I'm excited about having a laptop again. I'm excited to be able to actually do quality work for my class.

I don't really know what else to talk about lol. So I guess this is it! I promise I'll be better at blogging, now that I have easier access to it.

Later gators!