I don't want your pity, I just want to vent and express myself the best way I know how

I hear laughing and people being social, and then there’s me; alone, in my hotel room. I hate myself, I’m mad at myself, because no matter how much I want to be social, and make friends, and have people to hang out with, and talk to, it just doesn’t seem to happen. Everyone’s all “Just go out and do something/ Talk to someone…” They think it’s so easy for me to just go out somewhere in a crowd of people and strike up a conversation with the complete stranger next to me. I want to ask them, “Do you not see my fingers, my hands? Do you not pay attention to how I shy away from people, large groups; how quiet I am? IT’S NOT FUCKING EASY.” Going out in public makes me so anxious that I pick my fingers to pieces. I see all the happy couples, families, friends; and then there’s me, by myself. It’s so overwhelmingly depressing sometimes, the reminder that I’m alone, and have the hardest time asking people to hang out, or just to talk because I don’t want to be a bother and interrupt whatever they’ve got going on that’s most likely way more important than my stupid issues that are always the same… Sure, I might open up a little, but I’m still quiet and reserved. Outside of my sarcastic statements, I don’t know how to hold a conversation past the basic ‘get to know you stuff’. I don’t know what to ask, without seeming like I’m being nosy. There was a time when I was really quite social, back in my freshman year of high school. Heck, I made a high school best friend simply because one of us mentioned Dream Street on the walk to math class, and then we became friends after that. So yeah, at one point it was easy for me to make friends, talk to people, be somewhat sociable. And then relationships happened; and things started changing. People would say things, and I’d try to prove them wrong so they would like me. Then THE relationship happened, and things LITERALLY changed; all over a stupid feeling that I thought I had…. And while it was okay in the beginning, it eventually wasn’t okay. A lot of mistakes were made, and I really wish I had had the strength, the courage, to just end it instead of taking “breaks”. Of course, when it did actually end, I regretted it and wanted to take it back, but it was too late. I know things that happened in that relationship changed me; things that happened after that relationship changed me, and I don’t think it was for the better. I shouldn’t be terrified to go out to run simple errands; I shouldn’t be afraid of talking to real people, in person; I shouldn’t feel the need to physically shrink away from people when they get too close to me. I want to be the person that I imagine in my head; strong, confident, has self-esteem, doesn’t care what people think about her, and doesn’t compromise on her beliefs/standards in the off chance that a guy is remotely interested in her. I know that guys see me, and see how weak, shy, and timid I am. They take advantage of the fact that I look like the type of girl who has a hard time saying “no”, and just wants people to like her. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve told guys “no” before, in my sporadic moments where I actually care about myself and my standards, and know that I’m worth much more than someone’s sex buddy. But most of the time I’m not, and that mentality is ingrained in my mind for some reason that sex is all I’m good for. I focus on my failures; my shortcomings; my flaws; my faults. I see other people living the life that I want to live SO BADLY, but feel like I will never live because it didn’t work out with the one person that I realized a little too late that I wanted to be with, despite all of the crap that he put me through, because of what I did to him and I felt I deserved what I got (but really, who deserves to be someone’s “secret girlfriend” just to prove to them that you can handle being in a faithful relationship with them while they’re in another relationship with someone that they didn’t even have feelings for? WHO FREAKING DOES THAT SHIT???). Because life happened, stupid choices were made, and more stupid choices were made, all because I didn’t want people to be mad at me, or hate me. Even when I knew I was right, and all I wanted was someone to be there to support ME, and be there for ME. It’s okay though, apparently I’m not allowed to think or do anything for myself. Clearly I don’t know myself well enough to know what I can and can’t handle. Whatever. I just wish… I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I didn’t have to try and reach impossible standards that were set before me, and then feel like a complete failure because I didn’t reach them. I wish I wasn’t afraid to say what’s on my mind, because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, or make them not like me anymore ( I don’t even know why I worry so much about whether people like me or not…). I wish I don’t have to worry about anxiety, or possibly depression, and unhealthy thoughts. I wish I could just completely erase certain parts and people from my past, like I never met them, or those events never happened. I wish I could be the person that’s in my head… But I don’t know how to do any of that. I want to have a life, and meet people, and make friends… How does someone do that when large crowds make them anxious? Even around friends, I’m quiet and eventually fade away into the background because I don’t know what to say, or talk about. I’ve gotten used to being by myself. I’ve gotten used to not having expectations anymore. I’ve gotten used to settling for what I can get, because I’m too afraid to say what I want, and stand up for what I want, and not budge from what I want and settle for less than what I want/deserve. But maybe it’s because I don’t feel like I deserve what I want. Whenever anything good happens, I do something to mess it up. Maybe I deserve to be alone, to see others living a life that I’ve wanted for myself, but at the same time, I’m afraid to have. I go out, and I find that I’m always comparing myself to someone else that I see, and I always come up short. I know that no one’s life is perfect, and I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but for whatever reason that doesn’t change the fact that when I look at myself and my life compared to someone else that I see, I feel less…accomplished in my life. And then I think “if I hadn’t messed things up back then, my life would be so much different now. I would be happy, because I got what I wanted.” That’s not the case, though. For whatever reason (and I know this is completely backwards), I’m not happy with me unless others are happy with me. I try to set goals for myself, I try to better myself…and then I fall behind somehow. Sometimes, I can pick myself back up again and just keep on trucking. Most of the time… I’m my own worst enemy. Maybe I’m too hard on myself; I expect perfection and when I don’t get it I feel worthless and stupid, and then it’s no wonder I’m not where I want to be, because I fail at everything I try to accomplish. Why do I even bother trying, right? It’s whatever though; I’ll just suck it up, squeeze it in the bottle inside and keep moving somehow… Maybe one day I’ll care enough, long enough to be the person that I probably would have been, had life gone differently or something.

Oh, that clever green-eyed monster

I have a confession to make: I get jealous. Pretty easily, apparently, and over a lot of things. I'm jealous of people with lots of money. Jealous of single moms who can actually handle having their kid(s) with them. Jealous of people who are in relationships, dating, or even have the attention of someone who really likes them and doesn't mind showing it. Jealous of girls that are prettier than me, and have better/ more clothes than I do. Jealous of people who are in shape (yes I know, this is something that I can really get over by myself if I just exercised and ate right consistently). Jealous of people who can start a conversation with anyone. Jealous of people with friends. Jealous of people who carry themselves with confidence (again, something that I could most likely get over on my own). Jealous of people with college degrees (especially if they're younger than me, because then I feel like I've done nothing with my life except fail at getting a degree in a normal time frame). It's really sad that I just came up with an entire paragraph pf things that I'm jealous of, when it should be much shorter or non-existent even. Then again, I'm only human, and I don't think I'm the only person on the planet who deals with jealousy.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this post. I just realized (after hearing the thoughts in my head) just how easily I get jealous about things, and I really don't like it. When I get jealous, I start trying to do things or buy things or act a certain way to fit what I'm jealous about; if that doesn't work, I just retreat and stay quiet (which makes me look moody and like I don't want to be there, and sometimes I don't and want to just leave). My point is, my jealousy is getting ridiculous, and I really don't like that I get jealous over so much stuff. Not everyone/everything I get jealous over is perfect behind closed doors, and I get that, but that doesn't change the fact that I want it too, you know? I know that this issue of mine is really holding me back from being myself because I'm too focused on doing what I can to fit in and get the approval of those around me. At the same time, I know that when I'm not being myself, I get more self-conscious, and then I get paranoid that people can see that I'm not being myself and that my facade of being someone who's part of the "in crowd" is crumbling around me, and exposing me as this awkward person who's horrible in social situations, and usually ends up on the couch watching t.v. and feeling miserable about herself even when she wants to go out and be around other people.

I wish that I could not get so terrified being around large groups of people. I wish I could hold my own in a group of friends and be confident enough to join the conversation/activity instead of shying away into a corner because I'm too afraid to be myself, let go and just enjoy being around friends. I really and truly wish that I was confident enough in myself to not care what other people think (to a certain extent) of how I dress, act, or talk instead of...remodeling myself to fit whoever I'm hanging around with so that they'll like me. I wish I could put on an outfit that I feel like a million bucks in without pointing out every flaw that I see (like a muffin top); and when I come across someone who's dressed nicer (in my opinion) than me, be able to think "Wow, her outfit is hot, just like mine!" instead of "Wow, she looks so much prettier than me, I should have worn something nicer so that others will notice me more too."

I wish I could stop putting so much pressure on myself to fit in and be liked by everyone and instead just focus on being the best me that I can be and accept and live with.