Oh, that clever green-eyed monster

I have a confession to make: I get jealous. Pretty easily, apparently, and over a lot of things. I'm jealous of people with lots of money. Jealous of single moms who can actually handle having their kid(s) with them. Jealous of people who are in relationships, dating, or even have the attention of someone who really likes them and doesn't mind showing it. Jealous of girls that are prettier than me, and have better/ more clothes than I do. Jealous of people who are in shape (yes I know, this is something that I can really get over by myself if I just exercised and ate right consistently). Jealous of people who can start a conversation with anyone. Jealous of people with friends. Jealous of people who carry themselves with confidence (again, something that I could most likely get over on my own). Jealous of people with college degrees (especially if they're younger than me, because then I feel like I've done nothing with my life except fail at getting a degree in a normal time frame). It's really sad that I just came up with an entire paragraph pf things that I'm jealous of, when it should be much shorter or non-existent even. Then again, I'm only human, and I don't think I'm the only person on the planet who deals with jealousy.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this post. I just realized (after hearing the thoughts in my head) just how easily I get jealous about things, and I really don't like it. When I get jealous, I start trying to do things or buy things or act a certain way to fit what I'm jealous about; if that doesn't work, I just retreat and stay quiet (which makes me look moody and like I don't want to be there, and sometimes I don't and want to just leave). My point is, my jealousy is getting ridiculous, and I really don't like that I get jealous over so much stuff. Not everyone/everything I get jealous over is perfect behind closed doors, and I get that, but that doesn't change the fact that I want it too, you know? I know that this issue of mine is really holding me back from being myself because I'm too focused on doing what I can to fit in and get the approval of those around me. At the same time, I know that when I'm not being myself, I get more self-conscious, and then I get paranoid that people can see that I'm not being myself and that my facade of being someone who's part of the "in crowd" is crumbling around me, and exposing me as this awkward person who's horrible in social situations, and usually ends up on the couch watching t.v. and feeling miserable about herself even when she wants to go out and be around other people.

I wish that I could not get so terrified being around large groups of people. I wish I could hold my own in a group of friends and be confident enough to join the conversation/activity instead of shying away into a corner because I'm too afraid to be myself, let go and just enjoy being around friends. I really and truly wish that I was confident enough in myself to not care what other people think (to a certain extent) of how I dress, act, or talk instead of...remodeling myself to fit whoever I'm hanging around with so that they'll like me. I wish I could put on an outfit that I feel like a million bucks in without pointing out every flaw that I see (like a muffin top); and when I come across someone who's dressed nicer (in my opinion) than me, be able to think "Wow, her outfit is hot, just like mine!" instead of "Wow, she looks so much prettier than me, I should have worn something nicer so that others will notice me more too."

I wish I could stop putting so much pressure on myself to fit in and be liked by everyone and instead just focus on being the best me that I can be and accept and live with.