It's kind of a random thought, but I've realized something- for some reason, I seem to enjoy getting emotionally hurt. I don't want to unbury something that's been buried already, but I think back to that whole thing with Alex. He really had me thinking there was something there. I mean, we were talking about going to a ski resort, and jeju island, and just hanging out together- I seriously thought that he was The One! But as we all know, that didn't work out so well and he shattered my heart. After that I guess you could say that I just stopped caring, and actually paid attention to the attention that I was getting from other guys. Of course they would want things and I'd give them what they wanted, simply because they wanted it. There wasn't a "No, I don't want to" option for me, partly because I didn't want one. I just wanted an escape from what he did. Thinking back on it, I know that this has been going on for awhile. All the way back to my first boyfriend, who pretty much used me for whatever he wanted (except sex and blowjobs), and I just let him. Partly because he was much bigger than me, and partly because he was the first guy that actually liked me back and he was my first boyfriend- I didn't really know what I was supposed to do, you know? And then there's my dad, which is a WHOLE nother story in itself...Which I would suppose is partly to blame for the way I am now. Which I wish I could change.
I know I mentioned at least one time before about how I have this vision of another side of me in my head. In this vision I'm confident, I know what I want, and I'm not afraid to say no. I can be myself without worrying about what other people think of me, and I could really care less if everyone likes me or is happy with what I think or how I think. And sometimes in situations I play it through my head as if I'm that other me. And it turns out differently. But, what plays out in my head and what actually happens are two VERY different things, and it's kind of upseting because I want to be that confident person, and everytime I have that opportunity to step out of this shell I've built around myself, I chicken out and stay the same shy, safe, nervous, and quiet person that I always am. I want to change it, but I don't know how to change me without going too crazy...I also wish I could behave more like a Mormon should, but it's kinda hard here at the base I am currently at...Which in a way, sucks. A lot. Maybe it's just the job that I chose (or really had no other choice but to choose this one), but with the language, and the drinking, and the sex...It's just hard for me to stick to what I believe and still be able to hang out with the people I work with. I don't want to just hang out in my room by myself and then not know the people I work with, you know? But how do I balance (not change or remove, but BALANCE), what I believe with what my coworkers do in their free time? Should I not hang out with them anymore because they do things that I know I shouldn't approve of? I really don't like not knowing the answers to my questions, but I guess that's a part of life and growing up...
A Little Look at Our Wedding Through Videos
10 years ago