Sam and I talked about finding my deeper inner self. He thinks that I'm afraid to find out that I really am shallow and naive and that I'm scared to actually be a deep person. Thinking about it, I'm inclined to agree. I don't like it, but sometimes I am content with just acting like a teenage girl although I'm twenty years old. When he asked me what I wanted to do/be, I told him that I wanted to write but that it's been too long since I've done that. To which he said that when I write is one of the few times he's seen the deeper side of me. That and when I actually have intelligent things to say and when I'm serious (and not depressed). So...I guess I have to figure out how to bring this deeper side of me to the surface and show people that I'm smarter than I let on. -Excerpt from a journal entry from 2008 on my livejournal account.
I'm not sure what prompted me to even look up that account, and sadly when I went to look for my first livejournal account, I found that I had deleted it :/ Why would I want to go back and read about that past with Sam? I really don't know. But reading this part of one of my old posts... It really made me wonder. Why am I so worried about being a deeper person? About being in touch with my emotions?
For example (and I might be seen as heartless for this, but I'm just being honest); the shooting at the elementary school in NewTown, Conneticut. Is it a horrible thing to happen to harmless children and teachers? Yes. Am I crying about it, having a hard time sleeping at night because I can't believe that someone had the gall to go shoot up an elementary school and then wasn't even man enough to face his crimes so he shoots himself? No. My heart didn't fall through the floor when I read the articles after it happened. I do think it's sad that it took something like this to get people to look harder into tightening gun control laws. This whole situation is a sad one. But like a friend on Facebook said in a post, she barely flinched when she heard about the news. I believe that there are some of us who have really just gotten used to hearing about school shootings, mall shootings, theater shootings... I mean, they're all horrible. But after awhile, you just get used to hearing about these things on the news. You become desensitized to the whole thing. Which is a BAD sign of how things have been. To be honest, I feel like a monster because I don't feel more emotion about this shooting in Conneticut. It kind of scares me.
Do I really want to be that person? I would like to be more in touch with my emotions, actually have legitimate, smart thoughts. I still feel naive, like I did back in school. How do I show myself that I'm not some emotionless freak? Should I get back into writing again? I'm not sure I want to write again. Although it would require tapping into my feelings, since I write more poetry than I do stories (and at least I finish those)... I know though, that I do have some dark thoughts. Do I really want to bring those to the surface? It's not that anyone would have to read them I suppose, and maybe it would help me be more...me. And not hide how I'm feeling...
*sigh* I guess it's time to reopen the door that I've been subconsciouly trying to keep closed...
A Little Look at Our Wedding Through Videos
10 years ago
1 comments:
Not everyone can walk a mile in someone else's shoes so to speak. But, the people who felt deep sorrow saw their own loved one's faces in those children and staff, who died at Sandy Hook Elementary. As a teacher, I felt unspeakable sorrow and horror. I can't imagine what that young man was feeling or how those poor people felt. Are you a monster for not mourning? No, it makes you human. We do not all react the same way to these tragedies. But, I would hope that these acts of violence don't become a way of life. You're a soldier and you're trained to not feel to much, so your feelings are numb. The rest of us don't have military training, so we react differently.
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