Wow. She sang it WAY better than I could ever say it.

Thank you Etta James for singing this song, and Pandora radio for playing it.

It's never a good idea to judge a book by it's cover...

I don't know why the post I texted last night didn't show up on here, but maybe it's a good thing... It wasn't exactly a very nice post, but I felt I needed to say it somewhere. Guess it wasn't meant to be said here. Or maybe it just takes forever for it to show up. I dunno. Anyway, there really isn't much of a point to this post either, except to say that I seem to enjoy torturing myself... I don't know why I do it, but I do. I wish there was some kind of manual on myself. Something like..."Shenise Edmonds for Dummies." Yeah. I could totally use a book like that. I really should be in bed right now, but obviously I'm not. Don't ask why, because I'm not entirely sure...Lately I've been staying up this late just because I can, and I have had to force myself to go to bed most nights. When I do get to bed and fall asleep, I don't want to get out of bed the next morning (I'm sure I'm not the only one there though). Last week, some of the guys that I work with made fun of me for looking at engagement rings online. What, is there a law against single women looking at engagement rings or something? Of course, this was a few days after "that" happened, and it really irritated me that I was being teased for doing something a lot of girls do. One of the guys kept going on about it even after the rest of them had forgotten about it... This guy in particular gets on my nerves and every time he talks to me, I don't think very pleasant thoughts towards him. Some days I wish I had a normal job. No, actually... Everyday I wish I had a normal job... Or at least one that's not directly involved with the flightline. Don't get me wrong, my job is interesting and all of that but, it's not what I wanted to do. I wanted (and still do, for that matter) to be a nonner, sitting behind a desk, wearing blues on Monday, working during the day and actually having a social life (which probably isn't just affected by my job, most of that is probably my fault). I want to be back in Virginia (maybe not in Stafford just yet, but somewhere close would be nice) with my family. I hate not having family out here. I hate myself for being jealous that other people are out there living the life that I want so badly for myself, and yet I do nothing to get what I want. I hate that I won't allow myself to be vulnerable in front of people that I don't really know because I don't know what they'll think of me. I hate that I care so much about what people think. I hate that I have these anxiety issues, and even though I'm talking to someone about it, and was given a packet with different exercises to help deal with it I don't think I'll ever get over it. I hate that the amount of self-esteem that I have changes every day (if not a few times during the day). I hate that I'll probably never have what I really want in life, and it's not like I can complain about it because I brought it all on myself; it's all my fault.

Maybe I should just force myself to go to bed. Clearly blogging right now is not helping me feel better about anything; it's probably making it worse.

I've FINALLY decided!

For the past few months, I've been going back and forth between different protective styles for my hair. Yarn braids, regular braids, sew-ins, I've thought of just about everything that I can get away with while wearing a military uniform. Well, I've finally decided what style I'm going to go with: CROCHET BRAIDS! If you're wondering what they are, they're just your hair cornrowed back (or in whatever pattern you choose), with braided extensions or loose hair latched around the cornrow with a crochet needle. I'm REALLY excited to get these, because it's like having the actual braids without worrying about the braids ripping your hair out if you pull too tight... They last pretty long too if you take care of them right. So in the next few weeks, I plan on getting that done. I'd do them myself, but I can't cornrow to save my darn life LOL! Eventually, when my hair is longer I'll attempt it, but my hair is too short for me to do it myself. I'll leave it to the professionals :)

Here's a Thought

You know the feeling you get when you're with a group of people but you still feel alone? I kind of felt that way tonight while watching fireworks (which were awesome, by the way). I don't know why I feel this way, it always happens when I'm in a crowd or with people that I know. I just feel...closed off. Not that it's their fault, I know it's mine. Like, I would really like to open up to people and actually have friends here that I can talk to about whatever is bothering me, or just have a random conversation about anything but something keeps me from doing that, and I don't know what it could possibly be. It's slightly irritating when you've become your own roadblock...

Testing one, two, three...

Just checking to see if this blog connection to my facebook profile actually worked... I'm not really doing a blog post here. Yet. Maybe in the next day or two, but not now. I need to sleep. I will say this though- I think I'm back to using this blog. I'll most likely explain in a later post. Now, I need to go to bed.

And meaningful in my life. There are things that I would like to accomplish, yet I don't have the motivation to act on any of it. I don't know why. And of course, even though I'm writing all of this, I'm 100% positive that nothing will change. It never does.

I'd be lying if I said that I was happy with the way my life is going. I'm not. I don't feel motivated to do anything productive, and when I do the feeling never lasts and then I get bored and stop really caring or putting forth any effort. I have no idea what direction I want my life to go in. My daughter is supposed to be here in a few months, and while I'm excited about getting things ready for her, I haven't gotten anything for her to even live with me. I can't even keep money in my savings account, let alone my checking. How am I going to be able to take care of a child when I can't even take care of myself? What happens when she's here, and I can't bring myself to care about anything? I don't want her to end up like me; I don't want her to have to see me on those days where I don't want to do anything, or when I just don't care. I don't even know where to look to even begin doing something different