Today, I'd rather be emotionless.

I can't believe that I'm actually jealous of a teenager because I think she looks so much prettier than me. Actually, many of my female friends are prettier than me. Why do I feel so ugly compared to other girls? Why do I feel the need to please everyone but myself? Stupid period... I hate being super sensitive to even the simplest of things. I'm in the mood to throw things...

I should probably stop drinking...

I don't drink that much or often, but I'm realizing that when I do I feel more depressed and lonely and then I start thinking about old memories that I wish I could just erase which makes me feel even more lonely and depressed and then all I want to do is go home and sleep everything away. I'm not too sure I want to be so in touch with my emotions and feelings...

Why am I still here?

So! Guess what I'm doing! Blogging from my PHONE!!! Yep, just downloaded the app. I figured since whenever I do get the idea to blog about something I'm never near my computer, and I don't really have people who read the other blog I have, I just got this one as well!

Anyway, the point of this post is to talk about why I'm still here in Utah. I have no clue. I know why I came out here (silly me), and now I feel like I'm just stuck out here for no reason at all. But that's just how the military is, you get stationed somewhere stateside, and you're stuck there for who knows how long. I can't help but wonder though, if there's a reason why I'm still in this state. Is it really just the military, or does God have something else in store for me? I'm sure most (if not all) of you have realized that I'm quite the inactive Mormon girl... Haven't been to church in months, I drink (occasionally, and only after I came back from leave without my daughter), haven't ready scriptures consistently... I just haven't been very active in the church lately. Going to church every Sunday and going to activities with a singles ward is depressing. Going to a family ward is depressing. At least for me, seeing as I'm a single parent, it was. I don't fit anywhere. So I stopped going. A certain someone got married, and I questioned why I even became a member. I decided to go back to the basics of what my parents have taught me, but I've yet to find a church that I feel comfortable going to every week. Now, I can't help but wonder why that is. Part of me is like, "well DUH, God is telling you to go back to being LDS again." Another part of me isn't so sure. I don't know why I'm still here in Utah... Am I supposed to meet someone? Go back to being LDS? I don't know. I really wish I was better at listening and... Recognizing when God tells me something or answers a prayer or whatever, because I honestly have. I idea what I'm supposed to be doing right now. What I wouldn't give for some neon signs pointing me in the right direction...

I know, I know, I fail at blogging

I'm sorry guys... Every time I think about blogging and updating you on what's going on in my life, something always came up to keep me from doing so. However, now that I've turned in my final (that I'm sure I bombed, because I kinda gave up on the essays...), I have the time to do so! Now, on to the update!

Not entirely sure what to start with... I don't have Arianna at the moment. I'm supposed to deploy in about a month and a half, so she and I went home to Virginia to visit my parents, and she stayed there :/ She's doing really well, about to start "school" in about a week. I talked to my parents the other day, and it was great to see her on Facetime (for you Iphone and Ipad users, you know what I'm talking about). My mom taught her how to count to 20, which I got to hear when I called. I will admit that I cried for a few seconds, because I couldn't believe that she could speak that clearly at times! Most of the time, I can understand maybe a few words; the rest is gibberish lol. She's getting better though, and that's good :) As for my life without her being here... It's weird. There is so much...empty time that I have now that I'm not constantly dealing with the needs of a two year old. I don't really know what to do with myself. Even though I know that I have things to do (like cleaning, homework, laundry), I sit on my couch and watch TV instead. I don't know why. Sometimes I have a strange burst of "HEY LET'S GET STUFF DONE!" energy, and then I'm a cleaning and laundry fiend. Why can't I be like that all the time? Heck, why can't I just be motivated, period? Take working out and eating healthy for example. I do an okay job for about a week, being consistent with working out everyday and doing my best to eat right. The problem starts after that. Work, being tired all the time, homework... It all just made me even more tired and that's when I would start to slip off the path. First it would be one week, then two... and I would never get back on the path again. It was so much easier to not even care and do whatever. Which is why I weigh 197 lbs right now... ANYWAY back to the original topic. Back to being a single parent, but now just technically, single. It's weird. Quiet. As I stated before, I don't really know what to do with myself. Although, if any of you are friends with me on Facebook (and I know at least one of you are), you've seen pictures of some of my cooking adventures. I really like cooking, and I guess now that I don't have to worry about a toddler running into the kitchen and possibly getting hurt, it's not as stressful. I know that whenever I get a house, I want a big open kitchen with lots of cabinet space for the extra cookware I'll have ( hey, a girl can dream, right?).

Moving on! Like I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I'm taking online classes (again)! This time it's at Devry University, and I even have a major this time! Human Resources Management. After this first class though (Introduction to Business and Technology), I'm wondering if I should change my major back to English... It's just a thought though, and for now I'm just going to keep taking classes for this major. But, I have a MAJOR problem. Like my exercising and eating healthy dilemma, I just can't seem to stay motivated enough to do my homework effeciently past week 1! I just get so bored doing the assignments, and the fact that it's an online class really just leads me to goof off on the Internet instead of doing my homework. This leads to me just about failing a class. I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail this one, because I just gave up on the final exam essays... Once again, I got bored, and just, quit. I HATE that I'm such a quitter! Why is it so hard for me to put forth effort into the important things? Why am I just plain...LAZY (yeah...I'll admit it... -.-)??? I swear, I need friends to keep me accountable with homework and working out and eating healthy (I know it sounds really childish, but maybe it will help me?)... Since keeping a detailed schedule does nothing but stress me out when I end up running behind schedule (usually because of work *sigh*)... I've run out of ideas. Not to mention I've been completely scatterbrained lately, to include forgetting important things, and not so important things (to include conversations that happened 30 seconds prior to my forgetting). I don't know what's going on with me... But now I pretty much have to write down everything that I need to remember. I even have a post-it note app that puts those notes on my "locked" screen so I won't forget anything. ONCE AGAIN, BACK TO THE ORIGINAL TOPIC! See what I mean by scatterbrained *raised eyebrow*. This next semester, I'm taking TWO classes. Yep, two. A math class (Basic Algebra) and a Business computer class. Yikes. We'll see how this goes, since I suck horribly at math, and I'm taking both of these classes online, while we have an inspection AND a deployment coming up. I CANNOT fail these classes. I can't even tell you how many times I've taken this level of math. Pretty much every year since high school, and that was what? Five or six years ago? I feel stupid admitting that, but it's true. It's just that hard for me to get the stuff. So I know that I'll have to work EXTRA SUPER hard at passing this class. Now if only I could manage my time better... Does anyone have any ideas? Is there a planner app that has alarms maybe?

What else... oh! I had a boyfriend. For about a day and a half. Lesson learned: DO NOT DATE 20 YEAR OLDS IF YOU'RE 24!!! Maybe it was just my experience with this one boy, but now I'm completely turned off of dating anyone under the age of 23. I mean, I get that your parents are the super strict Mormon parents and all, but you're 20 freaking years old! You should NOT be afraid to tell your parents that you have a girlfriend! Ugh I'm glad I told him that I didn't want to be a secret (been there, done that, NEVER AGAIN!), otherwise who knows how long that relationship would've gone on O.o Oh well... Back to square one I suppose...

Thanks to this four day weekend, I'm using this time to take down my braids! I've only had them in for a month, but they're looking pretty messy, and it's time for my hair to be free! Hopefully it won't take forever and a day; thankfully, I have the Twilight Series and the Pirates of the Carribbean movies that can keep me amused while I sit through hours of tortuous unbraiding. Does anyone want to come help me? Pretty pretty please *Puss in Boots eyes*

I think that's it! My life is pretty boring and uneventful... Sorry guys. Does any of my readers even read this thing? Oh well, I've gotten pretty good at talking to myself anyway lol.

Til next time!

Hairscapades!

It's hard to believe that my hair went from this

My accidental big chop back in 2010

To this

July 2012

It's definitely been an interesting two years in regards to my hair... I'm looking forward to many more years to come! I'm thinking I might loc it up soon (once I'm out of the military, of course!) though, to do something really different with it. 



Sorry!!!

I realize that I fail at updating this thing on a somewhat regular basis... So to make up for it I'll upload pictures that I've finally been able to upload from my phone! These will mostly contain pictures of Arianna, because I have NO recent pictures of her on my blog, and she's hardly ever mentioned. So hopefully the pictures will make up for it, and I will try to be a better blogger.

I really need to start taking pictures with my digital camera...

Today (well, yesterday) I ventured into the world of healthy eating! For the past while I've been looking up (and drooling over) healthy recipes, and there were a few that I really wanted to try. Well yesterday I picked up the ingredients for two new healthy recipes that I've been wanting to try. One was refrigerated oats, and the other was a smoothie from my Nike training app. The oatmeal recipe I'm sure is on my pintrest somewhere, most likely on my "Foods to try" board or something like that. Anyway, it was DELICIOUS! I can't wait to make more of it. The green smoothie I made, on the other hand... I couldn't make myself finish that thing. I think it was the cucumber, because that was ALL I COULD TASTE. Now, I like cucumber with ranch, and I thought it was weird to have that in a smoothie, but I wanted to try it and now I wished I had kept it out lol. It was just gross, never again. I'll find some better tasting green smoothies somewhere (actually, I just downloaded a green smoothies app today... It's got different green recipes on there!).

Today I also peeled, chopped, and froze carrots for the first time ever. It took a few tries to get the peeling down right, but near the end of the bag those carrots were looking good :) I'm excited to use those in a new recipe that I will probably cook tomorrow. Ugh, tomorrow... I have cooking, cleaning, and laundry (does that count as cleaning) to do tomorrow. I swear sometimes there aren't enough hours in the day. Even if there were though, would I use those hours to actually be productive? Probably not...oh well. I'll just make do with what I'm attempting to do now.

I think that's all I wanted to blog about...Sorry it's so short, but I was originally just going to write about peeling carrots, which would've made this much shorter than it turned out to be.