For those who follow HSM (and for those who don't)

I think it's safe to say that this song comes pretty close to describing how I feel right now, and how I've been feeling for the past few days. It's weird how time changes the feeling of love; from the crazy not quite matured high school love, to the now we're grown up and know what we're doing love. Kinda what I'm feeling right now. Too bad it took me until after he was gone (and reading these Twilight books that oddly enough, had me envisioning us in the place of Bella and Edward...) to realize that it was okay to love him...

And for those who know the song, it is NOT the overdone Ryan and Sharpay version. It's the more romantic, Troy and Gabriella version.

What I've Been Looking For


It's hard to believe
That I couldn't see
You were always there beside me


Thought I was alone
With no one to hold


But you were always right beside me
This feeling's like no other
I want you to know



I've never had someone that knows me like you do
The way you do
I've never had someone as good for me as you
No one like you
So lonely before I finally found
What I've been looking for

Looking at my pictures on Facebook made me realize

How much I miss my best friend =( Still have a ways to go before he comes home...

Today I realized...

So in my job we have loading competitions every quarter between the different fighter squadrons. And today at the load comp, the girlfriend of one of the guys from my shop was there with their newborn son. Seeing them together after the competition was over...seeing how he held his son and talked to him, and looked at him, and just loved him... It made me sad because I realized then that Arianna will probably never meet Alex. She'll never see him outside of pictures, and who knows what I'll tell her when she gets old enough to ask where he is and why he's not with us... It hurts seeing couples with their children, or just families in general because Arianna doesn't have that. Her father's not here, it's just me and my family. And if I ever get married, it still won't be the same because they won't be blood-related. Sometimes when I think about her all I want to do is cry because HE ISN'T HERE, and I want so badly for him to be, even though I know it's impossible. On the bad days, I think about when I found out he was married, and I find myself asking repeatedly what I had done so wrong for him to just do something like that after saying the things that he did to me. I know that he cares about me and her, but sometimes caring just isn't enough. I know that he's pretty happy in his marriage (at least I think he is), and I'm happy that he's happy (for the most part), but I can't help but feel extremely selfish in this regard, and I think I'm allowed to be selfish in this case. I have no clue as to who my biological parents are, and I don't want Arianna wondering who her father is... What I want is for him to be here, with us, as a family. Who am I kidding though- sometimes I take wishful thinking a little TOO far.

Friends

If you were to look at the number of friends that I had back in high school, and compare it to the number of friends that I have now, you would probably wonder what on earth went wrong. It's true that I used to have a lot of friends before graduating high school, but between graduating high school to the present, I've either grown apart from my high school friends (including my best friend in high school) or had a falling out with one friend, which resulted in losing friends that I knew through that one friend. Now, I can safely say that I have three friends, and these three people are people that I know that I can trust. Friends is a word that I don't use lightly, so even though there are a lot of people at work that I talk to, they may not necessarily mean that they are my friends. Mostly just acquaintances. Anyway, even though I only have two friends right now, I know that these three friends will be there for me in any way that they can be, and I know that I can go to them when I have problems or need someone to talk to.

Hannah Brooks Scheungrab (I really hope I spelled that right) is one of those friends. I consider her my Twin (something that started awhile ago, and is now a running inside thing), and even though we've only met each other in person maybe once or twice, I'd say we're pretty close :) I'm really excited to see her and little man when I go home on leave. It sucks that I'm all the way over here in Utah...I'd rather be closer to my family and my Twin. Anyway, even though we're on different sides of the country, she is still able to make me feel better and see the brighter side of things. Aside from my mom, she's the strongest woman that I know, and I'm blessed to have her in my life.

Heather Shields and I have been friends since June of 2008. We were in the same Tech School class, and then we got stationed at the same base together for a year. All this time that we spent together brought us pretty close as friends, and I like the fact that she will be honest with me, whether I like it or not. Our personalities are so different, it's hard to imagine that we're friends. The funny thing is, when we first started Tech School, we HATED each other lol. I think it was because we had just spent 6 1/2 weeks with a bunch of girls, and we were just tired of being around another girl again lol. The guys in our class would always joke about us being "best friends" because we were always arguing with each other. Little did they know that we would end up being really good friends... =)

Sam Relitz...What to say about this guy. I'd have to say that he is my closest friend ever because we've been through so much together, both as a couple and as friends. We've seen each other at our lowest of lows, and some of our highest moments. He's the only one who I feel truly understands me, and I know that he will be honest with me too whether I like it or not.

All in all, I don't know where I would be if I didn't have these friends to help keep me sane- I'm not even sure if I want to even think about it. I'm just grateful that out of all the "friends" that I thought I had, the ones that truly matter are in my life now =)

Okay...

T.V. is off, now I'm just here in the silence, with my thoughts. Which is generally why I always have the t.v. on as soon as I get home, because I HATE silence...Leaves me with my thoughts, and some of these thoughts I don't want to think about. Like Alex. I would suppose that it's a good thing Arianna isn't here, because I know that everyday that I look at her I'll be thinking about Alex, and I know I shouldn't because he's married. Granted, I wish that he was married to me, and in the back of my mind I hope that one day he'll do that, but in reality I know that it won't. So not thinking about him keeps me from being depressed about the fact that we aren't together, yet we have a daughter together. Too bad one of the guys in my shop reminds me of Alex when he talks and laughs; too bad I kinda like him even though he has a girlfriend...What is up with me liking guys who are taken?? I mean SERIOUSLY, I'm only setting myself up for more heartache, and how much heartache can one person take? Personally, I don't want to find out. On one hand, I know that Alex is married, and he kinda has his own family and all of that. On the other hand though, when we talk to each other, I find myself thinking back to when we had that something special (since he didn't consider it a relationship)...which leads to me wondering where on earth it all went wrong, and why he went home and got married after telling me that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, and then didn't even tell me that he got married- I had to find out for myself from his Myspace page. I can't accurately describe how I felt after that, but I can compare it to a time in middle school when I had a crush on my best guy friend back then, and even though I can't remember what exactly he said, I do remember that I literally felt my heart shatter...That's what it felt like when I found out that Alex was married. My heart just...broke. Into tiny little pieces. And everytime I thought about him being married, wondering how on earth that happened, asking myself repeatedly why he said what he said to me and treated me like I truly was someone special to him, and getting angry everytime he couldn't give me the answer that I wanted. He's the second guy I've cried over, and the first guy I actually allowed to see me cry. I think that I thought that if he saw how much he hurt me that he would leave her and try to fix things with us...No go there. And you would think that I would hate him for what he did, but I didn't. He would ask me if I did, and all I could say was that I could never hate him and why would he think that. I don't think I could truly hate anyone, even if I wanted to. I'm still a little sad that things ended this way and I wish that it had gone differently, but I don't hate him for what he did. Even now that Arianna is here...I know that if we were together he would be a great father to her. It's sad to know that he probably will never get the chance to see her or hold her, and that's when I start thinking "well he'd be able to if he hadn't gotten married", and the whole thing starts all over again. I wonder if he thinks about us in Korea...

And then there's Sam. My closest friend on the entire planet next to my twin Hannah, and was in a relationship with for almost three years. Lately-well more like ever since Arianna was born- Just from his reactions to her pictures, and how he was there for me with all of this drama with Alex and Steffon, along with everything that we've gone through as friends and as a couple...I can't help but wonder if he's the one that I'm meant to be with. I mean, when I think about who I would want to raise Arianna with (since Alex is out of the question), Sam's the one who comes to mind, and I can totally see that he would without a doubt be an amazing father to her, even though he hasn't seen her, and won't see her until he gets back from his mission. But anyway, I think back to all that we've been through (and it's been so much that I'm probably forgetting a lot of it), and when I look at his outdated Facebook profile (lol) I'm reminded of why I loved him then and why I still love him now. I love him because he respects me, and he treats me unbelievably well even when I didn't deserve it. He's one of the few people who completely understands me (which is helpful because I don't even understand me), and he's so patient with me when I'm being stubborn or I can't make a decision on something. A few days ago I got this feeling that I shouldn't be looking for someone else to be with, because I already know who it is I'm meant to be with for time and all eternity...I got that answer years ago when he and I first started dating and I felt like there was something there that I've never felt in my other relationship (not like I had much to go off of, my first boyfriend treated me like crap), and I just had that feeling that I didn't have to look anymore. When I prayed about it and asked if Sam was that one, I could just feel it in my heart that he was. I can't fully explained why our relationship felt like a roller coaster, but I'm fairly certain there was a reason for that...But now I just feel like he really is the one and that I need to just be patient and wait for him to come home. I know how he used to feel about me, but I'm not sure how he feels about me now...I'd ask but seeing as he's on his mission, I don't want to distract him too much with talk like that. He's finally doing something that I know he's wanted to do since before we started dating, and I feel bad because it's mostly my fault it's taken him this long to go on his mission, but I'm so happy for him now that he's out there doing something that he's always wanted to do, and distracting him with relationship talk probably isn't the best idea...All I can do is pray, go back to Church (which I keep telling myself that I will do every Sunday, and I've yet to go back since Arianna was born), and leave it up to God because He knows what He's doing. I keep saying that I trust Him and that I have faith in His plan for me...It's time I put the impatience aside and truly work on being patient and to just let Him take control. After all, it's not completely my life, it's His too.

If I REALLY let myself think about it....

I find myself missing him and what we had...I wish it could've worked out, then we would be our own little family =/ I feel like I have moved on, but every now and then I think back to that timewhen I once again felt special...Maybe one day I'll feel like that again =)

Update on Food Diary

So I've been keeping track of everything I've eaten for the last five days and so far it's been alright. I am thinking about what I want to eat before I eat it because I know I'll have to write it down, and I've been trying to eat a little healthier because of that. Now I'm looking into the 3-2-1 Slim Fast plan to see how that will do for me as well. I went to the gym today and worked out for awhile, and I felt really good afterwards so I'm definitely going to keep that up :) It's nice to have a little gym here at the apartment complex because I get self-conscious at the bigger gyms. So hopefully this will motivate me to start working out more to help get in shape :) My goal is to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight (which was between 160 and 170lbs) by my birthday. I think I'm going to have to buy a scale next week so I can see how much I weight now so I can keep track of how much weight I lose. Not that I want to go back to being super thin again, but I need to tone up my tummy and my waist...I personally think it's too flabby. Here's to losing weight (and hopefully keeping it off)! =)

Okay, I'm going to give this a try

I was watching the Tyra Show today, and she was talking about how she lost weight and got back into shape- she kept a food diary. Every day, she wrote down EVERYTHING she put in her mouth. Over time, what she ate changed after seeing what she would eat and have to write down. I think the thing that makes this work is just knowing that you're writing down everything you're eating, and because of that you'll think twice about eating something that's not quite so healthy. I've tried not eating as much and so often as I usually do, but it doesn't work and I end up wanting junk food LOL. So I'm hoping (REALLY hoping) that by writing down everything that I eat, I'll think twice about eating the things that I know aren't good for me.

I'm always wondering...

How is it I've been here since October and still not have any friends to hang out with? I've been in my apartment and/or by myself every weekend...