Is there a confidence building camp somewhere around here?

Most people have a wall that can be broken down. I find that I have a wall that regenerates itself at the slightest crack. I don't understand how I can take two steps forward and enjoy myself, only to go like, 5,000 steps back and end up feeling worse about myself than I usually do. Most people have days when they just feel amazing, and everything goes how they want it to go, they're confident... It seems that I just have moments like this. Very brief moments. It seems I'm more...depressed than I am anything else. I've just now figured out how to look good for myself, and not other people (like guys). I couldn't even tell you how long it to me to figure that out. But at least I'm comfortable in what I'm wearing... If only I could figure out the rest (ie self confidence, social skills...dating ha). Oh, and dating. Geez. It's been...years since I've been on a date. Doesn't really help my self-esteem much. I don't understand... Oh! And something that REALLY aggravates me- when I was stationed in Korea, my roomie and best friend that I have in the military would tell me SO many times how guys have told her that they thought I was cute or hot...Ummm hello???? Is there some reason why you couldn't just TELL ME THAT YOURSELF??? *sigh* I know that I shouldn't depend on guys to build my self esteem or whatever, but it doesn't make me feel any better about myself when it doesn't seem like guys notice me. At all. I don't know. I just wish there was a book, or a life coach that could magically appear and help me out here... It really bothers me that I'm so quiet when I'm in groups of people (and especially around guys that I like haha)...And when it seems that a crack or two has been made in the wall that's up, it magically regenerates. It doesn't help that it seems like everytime the wall rebuilds itself, it's always 10x thicker. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. I really don't. I want so badly to not be this quiet, reserved person who has a hard time making friends and gets asked on dates... I just want to feel like I belong SOMEWHERE. Is that too much to ask? Apparently... *sigh*

I hate to sound like I'm complaining about my life or whatever, but it's my blog, and no one has to read it if they don't want to. It's just... I feel like something is missing. I feel like I've missed out on something, but I don't know what it is. I HATE NOT KNOWING! I dunno. I just... Is is weird that I have a hard time praying, talking to God, and just applying what I read in the scriptures to myself? I know that we should use words like Thee, Thou, Thine, and whatever else there is like that when we pray but... I find that I'm focusing more on making sure I use those words than actually praying, or just talking to God period. I mean, how are we supposed to talk to Heavenly Father like He is in fact our father, but be so formal at the same time? I just want to be able to TALK to someone, and get help for things I need help with. Maybe I just need to learn how to meditate. And do some yoga. SOMETHING that can calm me down when I feel stressed. Not only that, I need to find ways to emotionally pick myself up when I'm having down days (which happen so often it's not even funny). Well, I actually have a way to pick myself up, I just need to work on getting that binder together. *sigh* Maybe I just need to find a place that sells motivational sayings or something that I can hang up in my apartment... I get down and out WAY too quickly and easily... I need to find ways to stay positive... somehow.