I feel like I condemn myself to hell with some of the thoughts that go through my head...lol

So I've been home in VA for two weeks (holy crap, time is FLYING!). It's okay I guess, it's different learning to take care of yourself AND a child, but eventually I'll figure it out. I guess I like being a mom? I mean, there are moments that I do enjoy watching her play and do what she does, but I also have moments where I feel like I'm going to straight lose my mind. I'm hoping that it's part of being a parent, otherwise, I have some reason to be concerned...

Anyway! Arianna is napping right now, so I'm taking this time to actually update this thing before she wakes up and decides she wants to type on here too lol. Life is life, I guess. Nothing is really changing, besides my being an actual mom now. I am terrified of going out and running into Sam and Brianna, because then I'll really be faced with failure, and I don't handle failures too well (especially this one). Ugh. I really hate that he's always in the back of my mind somewhere. Just lurking like a creeper. How do I get rid of him? You know what the sad part is, though? Even though he removed me from his Facebook friends list (without warning too, might I add. Definitely messaged him about that one. Of course, he didn't respond.), I still look at his and Brianna's pages just to see if there's any more mention about wedding stuff. Or pictures (which there never are). Sometimes I wonder why if he (claimed to) care(s) about me so much as a person and a friend, why he hasn't asked if I wanted an announcement, even though I won't be able to go to the wedding. Not like I would anyway. I don't know why I'm so... emotionally masochistic when it comes to Sam. I mean, yeah, he was my first. We went through a lot while we were together. Like, A LOT. But I mean, he's been able to move on, so why can't I? What's holding me back? *thunks head against a wall* I wish I could just forget all about him and our relationship. I really do.

So. Since I've been home, I've been going to some Jazzercise classes with my mom. They're fun, and I definitely get a workout, but it makes me feel SO uncoordinated lol! Anyway, my mom took me to a Christmas party last weekend at one of the Jazzercise centers she goes to, and let me tell you. Not including all of the sexy black celebrities that are out there (*ahem* Idris Elba, LL Cool J...), my mom introduced me to a son of one of her friends... OH.MY.GOODNESS. I felt so bad because I knew from my mom that he was very much a Christian, but I really couldn't help the thoughts that were going through my head lol. Let's just say that he was delicious. And sexy. And just plain ol good looking, SMH at me. I could not stop staring at him! I definitely kept my sweat pants on, even though I had shorts on underneath, because I remembered that I hadn't shaved my legs in awhile...LOL. Anyway, he's a jazzercise instructor too. The Christmas party was hosint a famous choreographer, and there was one point he split us up into two groups. Of course I couldn't help but watch Mr. Sexy, and I felt even more ashamed at myself because I just couldn't stop STARING. Like, if other people weren't watching the group, my staring would've been on creeper status lol. I can't even describe to you how he moved. There are no words. None. At. All. I'll just leave it at that. Mm. I really should change topics. But he was the best looking non-celebrity black man I have EVER seen in my 23 years of existence.

Which brings me to...David. Who is not black, but still attractive, to me. He and I were in a relationship for about a week (at my insistence, because I'm just stubborn like that), before I realized that right now we're better as friends (which is how HE saw it, I'm just stubborn lol). Anyway, we both have feelings for each other, it's just we're not sure if now is a good time to act on those feelings since he's technically stationed overseas in Alaska. Not sure how that counts as overseas since it's part of the United States, but who am I to question the military and how they operate? Moving right along though. He and I have been having these dreams where we're together. I don't know what to make of them. Of course there's the obvious, "oh, it means that you two are meant to be together". Um, I've gone that route before, and now 2 1/2 almost three years of my life are gone because of that very thought. Obviously if we're dreaming it, it's something we've thought about and most likely want. But just because we want it, doesn't always mean it's the right thing (I learned that the hard way too smh). So for now we remain friends (which I think we're both okay with. At least I am. Read a few posts back to really get why), and if it's God's plan, something will happen to where we can be together.

And I think that's all the updating I have for right now. Arianna almost woke up from her nap, but she's back sleeping now. I think I will end this though. I'm fairly certain people don't read most of what I post anyway, which I am okay with.

Ciao!