Confidence.

For those of you who know me in real life, you know that I don't always have the highest opinion of myself. I could pull out journals where there are days that are nothing but writing about putting myself down in some horrible way, and really just shattering my self-esteem. There was a time when I felt that I needed to be in a relationship to feel complete, to feel like myself again. I would beat myself up over things that happened in the past, whether they were my fault or not. Let's face it, I was pretty pathetic.

But then my therapist gave me an assignment. Well she gave me a few, but this one is important. She told me to make a list of things that I would want in a guy. That list is pretty long, but most of it are things I'd compromise on. And then a friend of mine on a hair forum that I participate brought up a great point when it comes to looking for guys to date, especially since I believe in God too. She told me about a sermon given by a female preacher where she basically said that these 4 things should make a man ineligible to date you: 1) if they're still living with the parents (I'd compromise on this one, if it's an extenuating circumstance); 2) doesn't have a job; 3) doesn't have a car (or some mode of transportation that does not involve me playing the taxi driver); and 4) doesn't believe in God. I completely agree with those, because that's where I am in life. I have my own place, my own car, a job, and I believe in God. Why shouldn't the guy I date at least be at the level that I'm on, right? Oh and on top of that, I've made it my goal to not have sex until I'm married (sorry if that's TMI, but it's my blog and I do what I want LOL). If a guy can't handle that, then he should just keep it moving.

ANYWAY...I'm rambling. The point that I'm getting at is this. I made these standards for myself of what I will and won't accept (they're not all mentioned in this blog), and ever since then I've felt a little more confident. I don't feel bad for telling guys no, or that I'm not interested. I don't feel like I need to impress a guy every time I walk out the door and go on an errand. I even bought some new clothes, something I haven't done in a LONG time, and I like them because I like them, not because it could attract a male. I think I'm finally okay with being single for now. I've got a lot on my plate right now anyway, with a job, two classes, preparing for my PT test next month, and cross-training that I probably couldn't handle a boyfriend right now anyway. I don't know what it is, but I definitely feel different. An old guy "friend" that I was friends on Facebook with and hadn't talked to in a long time messaged me the other day basically insulting me and saying that I didn't look as good as I did before, and that I needed to go to the gym and "tighten up". He ended the conversation saying that he was deleting me as a friend because I was "too ugly." Wanna know what I did? Of course I stood my ground and told him that it wasn't really necessary for him to message me just to insult me, and that his opinion didn't really matter because I was comfortable with how I am (although I do have a few problem areas that I want to work on) and being healthy, and then I removed him from my friends list. I do not need that kind of negativity in my life. The old me though, probably would've internalized all of what he said and would've taken it and let it get to me, convincing myself that I'm fat and ugly and no one would ever want a girl like that. Not this new me though. I just brushed it off and kept it moving. I don't know why he felt the need to talk to me after all this time, and I personally don't care. The fact that he deleted me because he felt I was "too ugly" just goes to show how superficial he really is. All I can say to that is good riddance.

So basically I just wanted to say that it's weird how something simple like coming up with standards for the guys you date, or doing things just for you and no one else can really boost your self-esteem and your confidence. Now I'm not confident about everything, but at least this is a start.

Til next time, guys!