There are so many things in my life that I wish I could understand. I look back on the past and wish things could've turned out so differently. In my head, there is a whole nother view of what I wanted my life to be like before I joined the military. Now I look back and see all the people that I know from back home, people that I was friends with, people that I went to school or church with, and it seems like they're all either living their own dreams or living the dream that I laid out in MY head. I should be graduating from college with my friends, or at least still attending college. I should be that happily engaged girl, looking forward to a temple wedding and being sealed to her eternal companion for time and all eternity. Why are they all living MY dreams? The dreams that I want so badly to come true, but have now been derailed because of where I am now. I want to be married, and start my own family...None of which I can forsee happening until I separate, and that won't be until I'm 26. Why do I have to wait so long before I can finally be happy? I wish I knew...

Life In a Box

I sit here and I can't help but wonder
Why life is like this
All these problems that you think you know the answer to-
But in reality, we don't.
There is no real answer, just the consequences of the path that we choose
How we react
Work to prevent
Ourselves from becoming that one thing
That we hate the most.
Do any of us really know though,
If we're accomplishing that goal
Until it too late?
Once we realize our mistake
Is it too late to turn back and start over?
We only have this one life to live

What's wrong with this picture?

Why is it that I can't have my own things, yet I have to put up with other people and how they do things, and when I try to do things that I like (like listening to music), people have to complain?

Take my music for example. We have room inspections in the next three days, and since I'm home most of the day, I thought I'd knock out some of the cleaning that needed to get done. Of course I had my music playing so it would be more bearable. My roommate comes home from her shift at work, and starts complaining about my music. She said that one of the artists that was currently playing (Brandy) sounded like she was about to have asthma attack, and that I listen to the most annoying stuff. I told her that she could turn it off since it's been playing all day and she says "Exactly!". Like she's been forced to hear it all day or something. Yet you don't see me complaining when she plays her rock and country music.

Not only that, I've been cleaning almost all day trying to get everything ready for this inspection. We're in the middle of moving furniture around, and had a bookshelf sitting right where the door opens. So since there was space where we're planning to move her dressers, I just put my nightstand and the bookshelf there because I wasn't sure if she was planning on moving her dressers or not. She gets upset because I put those things there and says that she was planning on moving her dresser tonight. I told her that I wasn't sure so I just thought it would be better to be prepared in the event she didn't move them before the inspection. So I move all that out of the way. She asks me if the stuff that's under my bed will be easy to pull out of if they're all piled on top of each other and I told her that they were easy to pull out. I guess she plans to move all of her stuff tonight while I'm at work. I went on ahead and started moving my things out from under the bed, and she gets upset AGAIN and starts complaining that I'm taking up all this space with my stuff and that she won't have space to move anything if she moves things tonight. To which I told her that they were just going on my bed.

And then it clicked. She didn't want me to move her dressers because she didn't want me to come across things she didn't want me to see, but yet she was thinking about moving MY stuff around?! Where does that make ANY sense?! It's bad enough that she used my computer without my permission last night to call her boyfriend and then closed the lid which closed everything that was open, and then had the nerve to turn the light off that I had turned on so I could see just so she could sleep! The light was in the foyer/sink area! She said that I eat crap food, food that doesn't have substance, and then asked me when I was planning another commissary trip. I mean, really? Come on now, just because I get BAS doesn't mean that I'm the ONLY one that can go to the commissary and get stuff. If you want something, GET IT YOURSELF. She didn't even say "Hey, thanks for doing most of the cleaning today, I'll finish it up." Or even OFFER to help me finish what cleaning I WAS doing. She just came home, changed, and sat on her computer. I hope she doesn't expect me to wash the dishes, because I ALWAYS do and she just says "Oh you washed the dishes." Like I'm EXPECTED to wash them or something.

Why is it that I can deal with people's annoying habits and whatnot, but when I try to do my own thing or do things for others, it goes unnoticed? Why are some people so darn INCONSIDERATE?! And why do I even put up with it?? I really wish I had my own room, because then I could play my "annoying" music whenver I wanted to and eat my "crap" food without having to worry about people complaining about it. I'm so tired of trying to please everyone...

It's just one of those moments...

It's kind of a random thought, but I've realized something- for some reason, I seem to enjoy getting emotionally hurt. I don't want to unbury something that's been buried already, but I think back to that whole thing with Alex. He really had me thinking there was something there. I mean, we were talking about going to a ski resort, and jeju island, and just hanging out together- I seriously thought that he was The One! But as we all know, that didn't work out so well and he shattered my heart. After that I guess you could say that I just stopped caring, and actually paid attention to the attention that I was getting from other guys. Of course they would want things and I'd give them what they wanted, simply because they wanted it. There wasn't a "No, I don't want to" option for me, partly because I didn't want one. I just wanted an escape from what he did. Thinking back on it, I know that this has been going on for awhile. All the way back to my first boyfriend, who pretty much used me for whatever he wanted (except sex and blowjobs), and I just let him. Partly because he was much bigger than me, and partly because he was the first guy that actually liked me back and he was my first boyfriend- I didn't really know what I was supposed to do, you know? And then there's my dad, which is a WHOLE nother story in itself...Which I would suppose is partly to blame for the way I am now. Which I wish I could change.



I know I mentioned at least one time before about how I have this vision of another side of me in my head. In this vision I'm confident, I know what I want, and I'm not afraid to say no. I can be myself without worrying about what other people think of me, and I could really care less if everyone likes me or is happy with what I think or how I think. And sometimes in situations I play it through my head as if I'm that other me. And it turns out differently. But, what plays out in my head and what actually happens are two VERY different things, and it's kind of upseting because I want to be that confident person, and everytime I have that opportunity to step out of this shell I've built around myself, I chicken out and stay the same shy, safe, nervous, and quiet person that I always am. I want to change it, but I don't know how to change me without going too crazy...I also wish I could behave more like a Mormon should, but it's kinda hard here at the base I am currently at...Which in a way, sucks. A lot. Maybe it's just the job that I chose (or really had no other choice but to choose this one), but with the language, and the drinking, and the sex...It's just hard for me to stick to what I believe and still be able to hang out with the people I work with. I don't want to just hang out in my room by myself and then not know the people I work with, you know? But how do I balance (not change or remove, but BALANCE), what I believe with what my coworkers do in their free time? Should I not hang out with them anymore because they do things that I know I shouldn't approve of? I really don't like not knowing the answers to my questions, but I guess that's a part of life and growing up...

I kind of feel like Dwight from The Office...

This past weekend I was a little under the weather with some kind of cold (I'm fairly certain that it's not swine flu). It was bad, there was sneezing, coughing like a dog, sore throat...It wasn't pretty. Anyway, my roommate suggested that I take medication and I was just like, no way I hate taking medication. My dad never let me stay home from school when I was sick, so why should I take medication? Besides, most cold medication is DISGUSTING (cue childhood memories of Robitussin and Dimetapp *shudder*). I'd rather just tough it out. Which I have, and now it's down to just a cough and the occasional sore throat. Hopefully it will go away soon :)

Wow...

My boyfriend suggested that I look up Heather Headley's cd, and I have to say- she has an AMAZING voice. I immediately went looking for it and I'm now adding it to my itunes. Wow- I don't even know what to say it's all just REALLY GOOD. Her lyrics are so real, and her voice has the soulful touch to it. Nice vocal range as well. I'm jealous lol.

Life here has been okay, just trying to have fun without getting too insane, figuring out who I really am (which probably isn't a good idea seeing as this IS Kunsan...LOL). Things have been pretty crazy lately, but they're finally starting to cool down some, especially now that I have Steffon. It's a little ironic that he has the same last name as the guy I went to school with and had a crush on- who is now in jail. He's a good guy though, and he treats me nice, so I have nothing to complain about (and hopefully I never will :). Um...I'm not sure what else to talk about, I really just wanted to talk about Heather and how AMAZING she is, and I'm happy Steffon told me about her because I would've been totally missing out, and I would've had to hurt somebody LOL