Okay...

T.V. is off, now I'm just here in the silence, with my thoughts. Which is generally why I always have the t.v. on as soon as I get home, because I HATE silence...Leaves me with my thoughts, and some of these thoughts I don't want to think about. Like Alex. I would suppose that it's a good thing Arianna isn't here, because I know that everyday that I look at her I'll be thinking about Alex, and I know I shouldn't because he's married. Granted, I wish that he was married to me, and in the back of my mind I hope that one day he'll do that, but in reality I know that it won't. So not thinking about him keeps me from being depressed about the fact that we aren't together, yet we have a daughter together. Too bad one of the guys in my shop reminds me of Alex when he talks and laughs; too bad I kinda like him even though he has a girlfriend...What is up with me liking guys who are taken?? I mean SERIOUSLY, I'm only setting myself up for more heartache, and how much heartache can one person take? Personally, I don't want to find out. On one hand, I know that Alex is married, and he kinda has his own family and all of that. On the other hand though, when we talk to each other, I find myself thinking back to when we had that something special (since he didn't consider it a relationship)...which leads to me wondering where on earth it all went wrong, and why he went home and got married after telling me that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, and then didn't even tell me that he got married- I had to find out for myself from his Myspace page. I can't accurately describe how I felt after that, but I can compare it to a time in middle school when I had a crush on my best guy friend back then, and even though I can't remember what exactly he said, I do remember that I literally felt my heart shatter...That's what it felt like when I found out that Alex was married. My heart just...broke. Into tiny little pieces. And everytime I thought about him being married, wondering how on earth that happened, asking myself repeatedly why he said what he said to me and treated me like I truly was someone special to him, and getting angry everytime he couldn't give me the answer that I wanted. He's the second guy I've cried over, and the first guy I actually allowed to see me cry. I think that I thought that if he saw how much he hurt me that he would leave her and try to fix things with us...No go there. And you would think that I would hate him for what he did, but I didn't. He would ask me if I did, and all I could say was that I could never hate him and why would he think that. I don't think I could truly hate anyone, even if I wanted to. I'm still a little sad that things ended this way and I wish that it had gone differently, but I don't hate him for what he did. Even now that Arianna is here...I know that if we were together he would be a great father to her. It's sad to know that he probably will never get the chance to see her or hold her, and that's when I start thinking "well he'd be able to if he hadn't gotten married", and the whole thing starts all over again. I wonder if he thinks about us in Korea...

And then there's Sam. My closest friend on the entire planet next to my twin Hannah, and was in a relationship with for almost three years. Lately-well more like ever since Arianna was born- Just from his reactions to her pictures, and how he was there for me with all of this drama with Alex and Steffon, along with everything that we've gone through as friends and as a couple...I can't help but wonder if he's the one that I'm meant to be with. I mean, when I think about who I would want to raise Arianna with (since Alex is out of the question), Sam's the one who comes to mind, and I can totally see that he would without a doubt be an amazing father to her, even though he hasn't seen her, and won't see her until he gets back from his mission. But anyway, I think back to all that we've been through (and it's been so much that I'm probably forgetting a lot of it), and when I look at his outdated Facebook profile (lol) I'm reminded of why I loved him then and why I still love him now. I love him because he respects me, and he treats me unbelievably well even when I didn't deserve it. He's one of the few people who completely understands me (which is helpful because I don't even understand me), and he's so patient with me when I'm being stubborn or I can't make a decision on something. A few days ago I got this feeling that I shouldn't be looking for someone else to be with, because I already know who it is I'm meant to be with for time and all eternity...I got that answer years ago when he and I first started dating and I felt like there was something there that I've never felt in my other relationship (not like I had much to go off of, my first boyfriend treated me like crap), and I just had that feeling that I didn't have to look anymore. When I prayed about it and asked if Sam was that one, I could just feel it in my heart that he was. I can't fully explained why our relationship felt like a roller coaster, but I'm fairly certain there was a reason for that...But now I just feel like he really is the one and that I need to just be patient and wait for him to come home. I know how he used to feel about me, but I'm not sure how he feels about me now...I'd ask but seeing as he's on his mission, I don't want to distract him too much with talk like that. He's finally doing something that I know he's wanted to do since before we started dating, and I feel bad because it's mostly my fault it's taken him this long to go on his mission, but I'm so happy for him now that he's out there doing something that he's always wanted to do, and distracting him with relationship talk probably isn't the best idea...All I can do is pray, go back to Church (which I keep telling myself that I will do every Sunday, and I've yet to go back since Arianna was born), and leave it up to God because He knows what He's doing. I keep saying that I trust Him and that I have faith in His plan for me...It's time I put the impatience aside and truly work on being patient and to just let Him take control. After all, it's not completely my life, it's His too.