Today I realized...

So in my job we have loading competitions every quarter between the different fighter squadrons. And today at the load comp, the girlfriend of one of the guys from my shop was there with their newborn son. Seeing them together after the competition was over...seeing how he held his son and talked to him, and looked at him, and just loved him... It made me sad because I realized then that Arianna will probably never meet Alex. She'll never see him outside of pictures, and who knows what I'll tell her when she gets old enough to ask where he is and why he's not with us... It hurts seeing couples with their children, or just families in general because Arianna doesn't have that. Her father's not here, it's just me and my family. And if I ever get married, it still won't be the same because they won't be blood-related. Sometimes when I think about her all I want to do is cry because HE ISN'T HERE, and I want so badly for him to be, even though I know it's impossible. On the bad days, I think about when I found out he was married, and I find myself asking repeatedly what I had done so wrong for him to just do something like that after saying the things that he did to me. I know that he cares about me and her, but sometimes caring just isn't enough. I know that he's pretty happy in his marriage (at least I think he is), and I'm happy that he's happy (for the most part), but I can't help but feel extremely selfish in this regard, and I think I'm allowed to be selfish in this case. I have no clue as to who my biological parents are, and I don't want Arianna wondering who her father is... What I want is for him to be here, with us, as a family. Who am I kidding though- sometimes I take wishful thinking a little TOO far.