Let's be honest...

I mentioned how the last hour of church today was great. And it was. At the same time, it kind of depressed me because it talked about the worth of our souls, what defines us, and how we need to be the best we can be. Some other things that were brought up were different kinds of pride, how we shouldn't settle for less than what we deserve, and that it really isn't worth it to lower our standards (and yes, I pulled these from my notes).

This of course, brought up some insecurities that were mentioned in the previous post (for those who actually read my random ramblings). A question was asked that also reminded me of a question that I was asked by the behavioral health consultant that I've been seeing (only twice though). The question asked in church was: "Does having a boyfriend/girlfriend define who you are?" The question my behavioral health asked me (this was after I told him about how there were two guys that I liked, and when he mentioned that I should try asking them to hang out I was really hesitant about it) was: "Would it destroy you if you were rejected?" Now. Let's take a field trip to the past. My first boyfriend... wasn't the greatest in the world. He treated me like crap. He pretended to be nice to me to my face, but behind my back he said some really hurtful things (he actually told my last serious boyfriend that if we had been together when prom rolled around, his plan was to sleep with me and then leave me on the side of the road). He also hooked up with one of my closest girlfriends (this same friend tried hooking up with my last serious boyfriend as well, but it didn't work). I'm not sure why I broke up with him, but that relationship ended. My next relationship didn't last long at all. Maybe two weeks. I ended that one because I caught him holding hands with another girl.

And then, there was he-who-must-not-be-named. I don't hate him, but right now, thinking about him still hurts. Anyway, he was the best. Because of recent events I'm not going to rehash everything that happened. I will say that before I screwed things up, the way that he treated me was... I couldn't believe I had gotten so lucky and blessed. and then I screwed it up. There was a lot that we had been through and thankfully we were able to stay really close friends after everything. What...I guess what hurts me the most is that we've drifted apart and especially now, I'm pretty sure that friendship is basically done. Depressing, but true because there was a certain belief that I've had about best friends, and marriage, and... yeah that was pretty much shattered into a billion pieces.

Now. It's quite apparent to those who know me that I have a daughter, which clearly means I'm not a virgin anymore. Here is where I think it's a good time to try to explain why my self-esteem is the way that it is. I wish that I could just say "Korea" and immediately you all would understand, but that's not the case. The best way I can explain Korea would be to compare it to going to a college that is notorious for it's partying scene. Lots of drinking and sex. I will admit that I got sucked into the sex part of being in Korea, even though that was not my plan at all. I think that my mentality here was just looking for male attention. The sex just kind of...happened, which somehow lead to me thinking that if I wanted that male attention, I had to sleep with them. It worked- for that night. The only time it wasn't like that was with another he-who-must-not-be-named, mostly because he just completely betrayed me and shattered the heart that I was trying to piece back together after I broke it. I seriously thought that there was something between us (along with everyone else who knew what was going on); the things that he would say to me, the way he treated me, it just screamed "hey I think that there could be something more here." Only...he went home and came back married. I'm not sure he would've told me if I hadn't found out by accident on his myspace page (wow, talk about old. Who has a myspace page anymore? LOL). So that really messed me up. Arianna's father and I had a brief relationship; I'm not entirely sure how that one ended, but after not speaking to each other for over a year, we're somewhat on speaking terms again. I forgot to mention that I was sexually assaulted in Korea as well. I dropped the charges, because I hated the way OSI made me feel everytime they questioned me about what happened (apparently they don't believe that you can just shut down when something like that is happened to you, no matter how short they are or how tall you are). I think it would be an understatement to say that Korea was not a good time for me.
This is where some might say that my thinking is kind of skewed and most likely irrational: I feel like because I have a child that I don't really deserve to date, or have a boyfriend, or even get married. I mean, it's not that I don't want that because believe me, I do. SO badly. But... I don't want to place a guy that I like in an uncomfortable situation of being around something he isn't ready for yet; I would also kind of feel like I would be cheating my potential husband out of having that...wholesome woman that he's been dreaming of marrying and spending the rest of forever with. Does that make sense to anyone? This is where the note of "it's not worth it to lower your standards" really affects me, because I feel like any guy who would date me could possibly be lowering their standards, and I don't want to be that person someone just settles for. I feel like I'm the girl that's at the bottom of the barrel, and there are so many other girls out there that just...*sigh*

Anyway, back to the questions that I mentioned at the beginning of this novel. Does having a boyfriend define who I am? I'm not sure, because it's been almost two years since I've been in a relationship and I don't really remember what it's like to have someone like that. Would it destroy me if I asked a guy that I liked to hang out with me and he said no? Most likely. Why? Because with my way of thinking, I would think "well if he said no, why even bother asking any other guy to hang out with me? He'll probably say no too, and every other guy after that, and no guy will ever ask me on a date and I'll be alone for the rest of my life." Let me be clear, I'm NOT saying this to guilt trip ANY guy into saying "yes" or asking me out just because they think I'll think that way; will I think that? Yes. That being said, it won't destroy me for the rest of my life, just for a week or so. For me to ask a guy to do something requires a lot of courage on my part, and not listening to the voice in my head that keeps trying to prevent me from doing so. Heck, it takes a ton of courage to just have a normal conversation with someone that I like, let alone ask them on I guess what would be a...date? Yikes, I haven't been on a date in years...

So...um... I guess this is just me being honest and clafirying the previous post? If any of you have read this whole thing, then kudos to you. I don't know what I'm expecting to get out of this, but I guess it kind of helps to get it all out of my system?

Til next time...

Pity Parties are my specialty. Especially when they're for me, hosted by me, and only attended by me.

Church today was great. The talks in Sacrament were great, Sunday School was...interesting but great as well, and the combined Relief Society/Priesthood talks/lessons were great. During the last hour, the lesson was definitely something I needed to hear, but instead of acknowleding my faults and my low self-esteem and moving on, I stayed stuck on them. And that killed my mood. I concentrated on some of the major things that wrong with me and then assumed that's why I'm still alone. Okay yes, I have family, and friends here and there but I guess I should remind you that my family is 2,000 miles away on the other side of the country, friends that I would hang out with are also on the other side of the country (or not even in the country, for that matter), and then the"friends" I supposedly have here don't seem to really exist. It's more like I have acqaintances instead of friends. I talk myself out of physically talking to guys that I like because let's face it; guys don't date single moms. And why should they? I don't deserve that kind of happiness, no matter how badly I want it. I forfeited the right to that when I got pregnant. I don't even know why I'm complaining about something I brought on myself, and talking about it only makes it worse so... I'm done. I'm done trying. I'm done caring.

I quit.

I had a title for this post, but then I forgot

As I sit here on my couch, watching In Plain Sight, doing laundry, and eating beef jerky (go mulititasking! And most likely causing my keyboard and/or phone to smell like beef jerky...*sigh*), and everytime I think back to today (well, yesterday now) and Friday I can't help but smile about it.

The camp outwas SO much fun. I'm happy that I was able to get off of work somewhat early enough to make it (even if I did get lost for maybe an hour or so out in the middle of nowhere... It was scary). Fun times, really. Capture the flag when it's pretty much pitch black out, sitting by the campfire and trying to protect your eyes from the smoke, going on my first climb EVER (and I didn't die or hurt myself! I may have stepped in the creek on accident, but I managed with one wet foot LOL)...Just hanging out with some awesome people. It was great. With my work schedule (which is 3-11pm for those who didn't know that), it's hard to make it to YSA activities during the week, so I get really excited when there are activities that I can actually go to (and I try my hardest to make it to the activities that I can actually go to). And I totally lost my train of thought. Um... oh! I came home and took a nap with the intention of going grocery shopping, cleaning and doing laundry... That didn't happen until after 8pm or so. I woke up with MASSIVE heartburn, and I felt like I was going to throw up (and I HATE throwing up...ugh), so I sat my behind on my couch and watched tv until I felt better and then went about my errands!

So basically, I'm enjoying my weekend. I know that tomorrow will rock too, because it's Sunday! I'm almost done with reading "The Holy Temple" too. I think I'm going to need a bigger bookshelf, because I already have a few books that won't fit anymore... Guess that will go on my to-do list!

I've noticed that most of the bloggers that I follow use their blogs on a daily basis as their actual journal... I think I'm the opposite. I have an actual journal that I write in about daily events, or I write in there every couple of days, but for some reason I find that I blog when I have something serious to say or when something is bothering me. I think it's because I type faster than I write, so I'm able to just think at the normal speed my mind runs and my fingers can keep up! It's probably backwards, but it works for me. I'm not even sure why I added this paragraph to this post, but for some reason I felt it needed to be said...? *shrugs*

Wow. She sang it WAY better than I could ever say it.

Thank you Etta James for singing this song, and Pandora radio for playing it.

It's never a good idea to judge a book by it's cover...

I don't know why the post I texted last night didn't show up on here, but maybe it's a good thing... It wasn't exactly a very nice post, but I felt I needed to say it somewhere. Guess it wasn't meant to be said here. Or maybe it just takes forever for it to show up. I dunno. Anyway, there really isn't much of a point to this post either, except to say that I seem to enjoy torturing myself... I don't know why I do it, but I do. I wish there was some kind of manual on myself. Something like..."Shenise Edmonds for Dummies." Yeah. I could totally use a book like that. I really should be in bed right now, but obviously I'm not. Don't ask why, because I'm not entirely sure...Lately I've been staying up this late just because I can, and I have had to force myself to go to bed most nights. When I do get to bed and fall asleep, I don't want to get out of bed the next morning (I'm sure I'm not the only one there though). Last week, some of the guys that I work with made fun of me for looking at engagement rings online. What, is there a law against single women looking at engagement rings or something? Of course, this was a few days after "that" happened, and it really irritated me that I was being teased for doing something a lot of girls do. One of the guys kept going on about it even after the rest of them had forgotten about it... This guy in particular gets on my nerves and every time he talks to me, I don't think very pleasant thoughts towards him. Some days I wish I had a normal job. No, actually... Everyday I wish I had a normal job... Or at least one that's not directly involved with the flightline. Don't get me wrong, my job is interesting and all of that but, it's not what I wanted to do. I wanted (and still do, for that matter) to be a nonner, sitting behind a desk, wearing blues on Monday, working during the day and actually having a social life (which probably isn't just affected by my job, most of that is probably my fault). I want to be back in Virginia (maybe not in Stafford just yet, but somewhere close would be nice) with my family. I hate not having family out here. I hate myself for being jealous that other people are out there living the life that I want so badly for myself, and yet I do nothing to get what I want. I hate that I won't allow myself to be vulnerable in front of people that I don't really know because I don't know what they'll think of me. I hate that I care so much about what people think. I hate that I have these anxiety issues, and even though I'm talking to someone about it, and was given a packet with different exercises to help deal with it I don't think I'll ever get over it. I hate that the amount of self-esteem that I have changes every day (if not a few times during the day). I hate that I'll probably never have what I really want in life, and it's not like I can complain about it because I brought it all on myself; it's all my fault.

Maybe I should just force myself to go to bed. Clearly blogging right now is not helping me feel better about anything; it's probably making it worse.

I've FINALLY decided!

For the past few months, I've been going back and forth between different protective styles for my hair. Yarn braids, regular braids, sew-ins, I've thought of just about everything that I can get away with while wearing a military uniform. Well, I've finally decided what style I'm going to go with: CROCHET BRAIDS! If you're wondering what they are, they're just your hair cornrowed back (or in whatever pattern you choose), with braided extensions or loose hair latched around the cornrow with a crochet needle. I'm REALLY excited to get these, because it's like having the actual braids without worrying about the braids ripping your hair out if you pull too tight... They last pretty long too if you take care of them right. So in the next few weeks, I plan on getting that done. I'd do them myself, but I can't cornrow to save my darn life LOL! Eventually, when my hair is longer I'll attempt it, but my hair is too short for me to do it myself. I'll leave it to the professionals :)

Here's a Thought

You know the feeling you get when you're with a group of people but you still feel alone? I kind of felt that way tonight while watching fireworks (which were awesome, by the way). I don't know why I feel this way, it always happens when I'm in a crowd or with people that I know. I just feel...closed off. Not that it's their fault, I know it's mine. Like, I would really like to open up to people and actually have friends here that I can talk to about whatever is bothering me, or just have a random conversation about anything but something keeps me from doing that, and I don't know what it could possibly be. It's slightly irritating when you've become your own roadblock...

Testing one, two, three...

Just checking to see if this blog connection to my facebook profile actually worked... I'm not really doing a blog post here. Yet. Maybe in the next day or two, but not now. I need to sleep. I will say this though- I think I'm back to using this blog. I'll most likely explain in a later post. Now, I need to go to bed.