Let's be honest...

I mentioned how the last hour of church today was great. And it was. At the same time, it kind of depressed me because it talked about the worth of our souls, what defines us, and how we need to be the best we can be. Some other things that were brought up were different kinds of pride, how we shouldn't settle for less than what we deserve, and that it really isn't worth it to lower our standards (and yes, I pulled these from my notes).

This of course, brought up some insecurities that were mentioned in the previous post (for those who actually read my random ramblings). A question was asked that also reminded me of a question that I was asked by the behavioral health consultant that I've been seeing (only twice though). The question asked in church was: "Does having a boyfriend/girlfriend define who you are?" The question my behavioral health asked me (this was after I told him about how there were two guys that I liked, and when he mentioned that I should try asking them to hang out I was really hesitant about it) was: "Would it destroy you if you were rejected?" Now. Let's take a field trip to the past. My first boyfriend... wasn't the greatest in the world. He treated me like crap. He pretended to be nice to me to my face, but behind my back he said some really hurtful things (he actually told my last serious boyfriend that if we had been together when prom rolled around, his plan was to sleep with me and then leave me on the side of the road). He also hooked up with one of my closest girlfriends (this same friend tried hooking up with my last serious boyfriend as well, but it didn't work). I'm not sure why I broke up with him, but that relationship ended. My next relationship didn't last long at all. Maybe two weeks. I ended that one because I caught him holding hands with another girl.

And then, there was he-who-must-not-be-named. I don't hate him, but right now, thinking about him still hurts. Anyway, he was the best. Because of recent events I'm not going to rehash everything that happened. I will say that before I screwed things up, the way that he treated me was... I couldn't believe I had gotten so lucky and blessed. and then I screwed it up. There was a lot that we had been through and thankfully we were able to stay really close friends after everything. What...I guess what hurts me the most is that we've drifted apart and especially now, I'm pretty sure that friendship is basically done. Depressing, but true because there was a certain belief that I've had about best friends, and marriage, and... yeah that was pretty much shattered into a billion pieces.

Now. It's quite apparent to those who know me that I have a daughter, which clearly means I'm not a virgin anymore. Here is where I think it's a good time to try to explain why my self-esteem is the way that it is. I wish that I could just say "Korea" and immediately you all would understand, but that's not the case. The best way I can explain Korea would be to compare it to going to a college that is notorious for it's partying scene. Lots of drinking and sex. I will admit that I got sucked into the sex part of being in Korea, even though that was not my plan at all. I think that my mentality here was just looking for male attention. The sex just kind of...happened, which somehow lead to me thinking that if I wanted that male attention, I had to sleep with them. It worked- for that night. The only time it wasn't like that was with another he-who-must-not-be-named, mostly because he just completely betrayed me and shattered the heart that I was trying to piece back together after I broke it. I seriously thought that there was something between us (along with everyone else who knew what was going on); the things that he would say to me, the way he treated me, it just screamed "hey I think that there could be something more here." Only...he went home and came back married. I'm not sure he would've told me if I hadn't found out by accident on his myspace page (wow, talk about old. Who has a myspace page anymore? LOL). So that really messed me up. Arianna's father and I had a brief relationship; I'm not entirely sure how that one ended, but after not speaking to each other for over a year, we're somewhat on speaking terms again. I forgot to mention that I was sexually assaulted in Korea as well. I dropped the charges, because I hated the way OSI made me feel everytime they questioned me about what happened (apparently they don't believe that you can just shut down when something like that is happened to you, no matter how short they are or how tall you are). I think it would be an understatement to say that Korea was not a good time for me.
This is where some might say that my thinking is kind of skewed and most likely irrational: I feel like because I have a child that I don't really deserve to date, or have a boyfriend, or even get married. I mean, it's not that I don't want that because believe me, I do. SO badly. But... I don't want to place a guy that I like in an uncomfortable situation of being around something he isn't ready for yet; I would also kind of feel like I would be cheating my potential husband out of having that...wholesome woman that he's been dreaming of marrying and spending the rest of forever with. Does that make sense to anyone? This is where the note of "it's not worth it to lower your standards" really affects me, because I feel like any guy who would date me could possibly be lowering their standards, and I don't want to be that person someone just settles for. I feel like I'm the girl that's at the bottom of the barrel, and there are so many other girls out there that just...*sigh*

Anyway, back to the questions that I mentioned at the beginning of this novel. Does having a boyfriend define who I am? I'm not sure, because it's been almost two years since I've been in a relationship and I don't really remember what it's like to have someone like that. Would it destroy me if I asked a guy that I liked to hang out with me and he said no? Most likely. Why? Because with my way of thinking, I would think "well if he said no, why even bother asking any other guy to hang out with me? He'll probably say no too, and every other guy after that, and no guy will ever ask me on a date and I'll be alone for the rest of my life." Let me be clear, I'm NOT saying this to guilt trip ANY guy into saying "yes" or asking me out just because they think I'll think that way; will I think that? Yes. That being said, it won't destroy me for the rest of my life, just for a week or so. For me to ask a guy to do something requires a lot of courage on my part, and not listening to the voice in my head that keeps trying to prevent me from doing so. Heck, it takes a ton of courage to just have a normal conversation with someone that I like, let alone ask them on I guess what would be a...date? Yikes, I haven't been on a date in years...

So...um... I guess this is just me being honest and clafirying the previous post? If any of you have read this whole thing, then kudos to you. I don't know what I'm expecting to get out of this, but I guess it kind of helps to get it all out of my system?

Til next time...