Things Parenting has taught me so far:

- If you're busy in another room and you don't hear or see your child, she is most likely getting into something she shouldn't.
- Someone should REALLY invent a toddler proof toilet paper holder.
- Handing your child a water toy filled with water is not a good idea. Especially when you do it twice.

I'm sure that list will continue, but those are some that have come to me in this...week that I've been completely on my own as a parent.

SO! I'm ending my first week as a single parent ALL ON MY OWN, no grandparents to give me a break from Arianna, nothing. It has been...Easier than I thought it would be (and what I experienced back home in VA)/c

Time for a new blog?

(singing)It's one o'clock in the morning, folding laundry got boring, so I opened up my laptop, and...started surfing could not stop...

Okay I'm done. I was thinking of a clever way to open this post, and T-Pain's song "5 o'clock" or whatever it's called featuring Lily Allen came to mind, so I thought I would come up with my own lyrics to their chorus! Well, it was funny to me :P Anyway, I'm sacrificing sleep (and valuable packing time) to update my blog with one final post before Arianna and I fly back to Utah.

Honestly, I'm more nervous about the flights than me taking care of her all by myself out in Utah. I think it's because of the takeoffs and landings...I know her ears will be popping, but I've got some remedies for that (hopefully they will work)! One interesting thing that I've learned-well, two interesting things- while being here is 1) I'm a sympathy crier. Like, my mom started crying once and I felt my eyes tear up, and then another time we took Arianna to the doctor because she got a carpet burn right by her eye after she and I fell down the stairs, anyway she was crying so bad and just not wanting to be there AT ALL and then I felt the tears falling because she was crying. It's weird how before I had her, I hated crying, and now I can't help but tear up during the sad/sappy parts in movies or when other people are crying. 2) I have the hardest time disciplining this child without smiling! Like, I try to tell her no about something, and I feel myself cracking a smile. Or if she's throwing one of her 30 second fits, I'm seriously fighting the urge to laugh. What's with that? I feel so bad for it, but I just can't help it. Maybe with practice, I'll get better at keeping a straight face.

So. Regarding the title of this post. I'm toying with the idea of either revamping this blog to match up with this new chapter in my life, or just starting a whole new blog all together. I mean, new blog for a new chapter, right? Or maybe I should just redo this one? My time will be limited, so maybe I should just revamp and update this blog and see how things turn out. Hmm...

Oh! So I finally got my hands on my keepsake box, and went through it to actually finish my "Sam cleanse" that I started out in Utah. Dude. Over half of that box was stuff that dealt with Sam in some way, mostly notes. After getting all of that stuff out, I found myself wishing that I could get those two and a half years of my life back. There is no way half of my box of keepsakes should consist of things from him while being in high school, right? But it's all thrown away now ( I wished I had been able to burn it, that's way more permanent), so hopefully he won't be on my mind so much anymore. Shoot, I'll be so preoccupied with Arianna that he won't cross my mind at all (hopefully)!

Well, I think that's all I wanted to update. I should probably fold this last load of laundry so I can pack it up and try to get at least an hour or two of sleep. It's going to be a loooong day...


Ciao!!!

I feel like I condemn myself to hell with some of the thoughts that go through my head...lol

So I've been home in VA for two weeks (holy crap, time is FLYING!). It's okay I guess, it's different learning to take care of yourself AND a child, but eventually I'll figure it out. I guess I like being a mom? I mean, there are moments that I do enjoy watching her play and do what she does, but I also have moments where I feel like I'm going to straight lose my mind. I'm hoping that it's part of being a parent, otherwise, I have some reason to be concerned...

Anyway! Arianna is napping right now, so I'm taking this time to actually update this thing before she wakes up and decides she wants to type on here too lol. Life is life, I guess. Nothing is really changing, besides my being an actual mom now. I am terrified of going out and running into Sam and Brianna, because then I'll really be faced with failure, and I don't handle failures too well (especially this one). Ugh. I really hate that he's always in the back of my mind somewhere. Just lurking like a creeper. How do I get rid of him? You know what the sad part is, though? Even though he removed me from his Facebook friends list (without warning too, might I add. Definitely messaged him about that one. Of course, he didn't respond.), I still look at his and Brianna's pages just to see if there's any more mention about wedding stuff. Or pictures (which there never are). Sometimes I wonder why if he (claimed to) care(s) about me so much as a person and a friend, why he hasn't asked if I wanted an announcement, even though I won't be able to go to the wedding. Not like I would anyway. I don't know why I'm so... emotionally masochistic when it comes to Sam. I mean, yeah, he was my first. We went through a lot while we were together. Like, A LOT. But I mean, he's been able to move on, so why can't I? What's holding me back? *thunks head against a wall* I wish I could just forget all about him and our relationship. I really do.

So. Since I've been home, I've been going to some Jazzercise classes with my mom. They're fun, and I definitely get a workout, but it makes me feel SO uncoordinated lol! Anyway, my mom took me to a Christmas party last weekend at one of the Jazzercise centers she goes to, and let me tell you. Not including all of the sexy black celebrities that are out there (*ahem* Idris Elba, LL Cool J...), my mom introduced me to a son of one of her friends... OH.MY.GOODNESS. I felt so bad because I knew from my mom that he was very much a Christian, but I really couldn't help the thoughts that were going through my head lol. Let's just say that he was delicious. And sexy. And just plain ol good looking, SMH at me. I could not stop staring at him! I definitely kept my sweat pants on, even though I had shorts on underneath, because I remembered that I hadn't shaved my legs in awhile...LOL. Anyway, he's a jazzercise instructor too. The Christmas party was hosint a famous choreographer, and there was one point he split us up into two groups. Of course I couldn't help but watch Mr. Sexy, and I felt even more ashamed at myself because I just couldn't stop STARING. Like, if other people weren't watching the group, my staring would've been on creeper status lol. I can't even describe to you how he moved. There are no words. None. At. All. I'll just leave it at that. Mm. I really should change topics. But he was the best looking non-celebrity black man I have EVER seen in my 23 years of existence.

Which brings me to...David. Who is not black, but still attractive, to me. He and I were in a relationship for about a week (at my insistence, because I'm just stubborn like that), before I realized that right now we're better as friends (which is how HE saw it, I'm just stubborn lol). Anyway, we both have feelings for each other, it's just we're not sure if now is a good time to act on those feelings since he's technically stationed overseas in Alaska. Not sure how that counts as overseas since it's part of the United States, but who am I to question the military and how they operate? Moving right along though. He and I have been having these dreams where we're together. I don't know what to make of them. Of course there's the obvious, "oh, it means that you two are meant to be together". Um, I've gone that route before, and now 2 1/2 almost three years of my life are gone because of that very thought. Obviously if we're dreaming it, it's something we've thought about and most likely want. But just because we want it, doesn't always mean it's the right thing (I learned that the hard way too smh). So for now we remain friends (which I think we're both okay with. At least I am. Read a few posts back to really get why), and if it's God's plan, something will happen to where we can be together.

And I think that's all the updating I have for right now. Arianna almost woke up from her nap, but she's back sleeping now. I think I will end this though. I'm fairly certain people don't read most of what I post anyway, which I am okay with.

Ciao!

I am the very model of a modern major...procrastinator

So. It's Saturday night, and instead of folding this nicely sized pile of laundry sitting next me, or running the dishwasher, or even taking care of more laundry that's in the washer and dryer, I've been sitting on here, playing around on the internet and now, blogging. Don't ask me why, I guess it's because I've been thinking about doing a post for a bit and I've just been WAY too lazy to do one. I also think I'm doing this to put off doing homework (which I have a feeling I will be doing tomorrow...*sigh*). Anyway, I guess I should make this post somewhat coherent.

I can't believe I'm going home on Monday. Granted, it's only for 30 days, but still. I'm going home, and taking charge of being in charge of Arianna. Scary, when you think about it. How do I go from not physically caring for her for 23 months, to caring for her basically as soon as I get into the car after I land (I'm assuming, I'm hoping I have until I get home at least)? What if I absolutely suck at it? Ugh I know I'm going to have a hard time... Last time I was home I'm fairly certain I spoiled her. I guess we'll see what happens when I get there. Hopefully she remembers me...

What else should I talk about...Oh! I only have one day of classes left! I took both of my finals this week, AND I PASSED MY MATH FINAL!!!! I mean, it was an open notes and book test, but still- I PASSED! So I think I'm passing my class now, but I need to do this week's homework, to hopefully make sure I pass and then I won't have to pay back the TA! I'm not sure how I did on my African American Literature classes. Hopefully I passed that one; I wasn't really thinking straight seeing as I had just finished working a 12 hour shift before I took that thing. NOTE TO READERS: Don't take a final after working for 12 hours. It was hard for me to think coherent thoughts and sentences lol.

I'm not sure what else to talk about....OH! I FINALLY saw Breaking Dawn Part 1. It was GREAT! I want to see it again; probably once I'm home. It was SOOO good... I'm excited for the second part of the movie. I can safely say that I really liked Jacob in this one. I felt bad for him, but I still liked him in it. *sigh* I'm reading the book again too, and reading through it, I think it would've been cool to see some of the playful banter between Rosalie and Jacob, because I'm finding those quite amusing in the book. I won't go too much into details, sadly because I don't remember much of it (what is WITH that lately? I've been randomly forgetting things, and it's REALLY frustrating ugh). So I'm basically ready for it to come out on DVD already so I can add it to my collection.

COUPONING!!! I'm not all that great at it, quite discouraging actually. But I'm not giving up! Practice makes perfect, right? RIGHT??? Let's hope so, because...well...saving money is always a good thing :)

And now I think I will go do some laundry!

Ciao!!

My next tattoo...

So for awhile I've been thinking about what I want my next tattoo to be, and I think I've finally (kind of ) decided on what I want it to be. For the most part. I know that I want it to be Proverbs 3:5-6, but I can't really decide if I want to do the actual words of this scripture, or just the scripture reference itself. I know that if I just do the scripture reference, I'll probably put it on the underside of my left wrist. If I do both verses though, I'm thinking about getting a Precious Moments child outline (I'm thinking praying), with the words of both verses on the inside. I'm not sure yet if I want to do print or cursive... I'll probably do print if I go with the Precious Moments outline, cursive for the one on my wrist. I'm also not sure where I would put the other one... The place that makes the most sense would probably be on one of my shoulder blades, but I want to be able to see it, you know? I think it might be a little weird to have it somewhere on my sides, stomach, or lower back. I don't know. It took awhile for me to decide on what I wanted for my next tatoo, so it will probably be another while before I decide on where I want it to go :)

Finding Morris Notes

Part 2 of the notes I mentioned from my previous post

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=tn_tnmn#!/note.php?note_id=10150372322868568

Part 1. I really need to take the time to read all of his notes. A lot of the titles have caught my attention!

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=tn_tnmn#!/note.php?note_id=10150262860653568

It's been a long time since I last posted on here.

Actually, it's been a long time since I've done any kind of journaling. Well, that's a lie. I recently starting using an old blog on my phone to get my feelings out while I'm at work. So, what have I been up to lately?

I moved into a bigger apartment last month. It was a hard decision to make, whether to move on base or into a bigger apartment. After a lot of praying and weighing the pros and cons between each choice, and decided on moving to a bigger apartment. The rent is only $100 more, but I'd rather that than lose all of my BAH. The apartment is a two bedroom, with the second bedroom being for Arianna. So far her bed and dresser are all set up; I still need to put some winter clothes in there, put together her stroller, and strap in her car seat. I'm both excited and nervous about going home and actually being her mom... I haven't been an actual parent to her basically since she's been born. I know NOTHING about being a parent; how will I know what I'm doing, or if it's even the right thing? I know that she recognizes my voice, will she recognize me as her mother? Will she listen to me? I'm just REALLY nervous... I will be TOTALLY new to this whole parenting thing, and I really don't want to mess up.

For the past...eh, month or so? I've been going to a different church. Faith Baptist Church. Why, you ask? Because I didn't feel comfortable going to a Single's Ward where I didn't fit in (because I'm a parent), or the Family Ward (because I'm not married). I was always depressed giong to Church and the different events. I'm not even sure I had a testimony about whether being LDS is where I was supposed to be. I got baptized because of something Sam had said to me when we first started our relationship. He said that he couldn't marry someone who was LDS. And of course, I thought for sure that he and I would get married, and when he told me that, I felt this burning in my chest which I was sure meant that he was The One, and that I had to convert to ensure that we would get married when the time came. I've been a member for 5 years. Sam and I aren't together anymore. We don't even talk to each other anymore. In fact, he's engaged to someone else now. My parents didn't approve of the fact that I got baptized LDS. But me being the stubborn person that I am, stayed LDS. But now, I guess you could say that I don't really have a reason to be LDS. I didn't do it for the right reason. I will admit that I didn't really feel much of anything when I went to church. I just felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. In the single's ward, my singleness was pointed out to me every time I went to church or an activity. In the family ward, I was constantly reminded that although I'm a parent, I'm not married. Which led to the depression I felt all the time. I shouldn't have to feel the way that I did. So, I started looking for a different church to attend. Like I said at the beginning, I've been attending Faith Baptist Church. I really like going there. The congregation is diverse; the preaching is great (it seems like many of the messages are speaking to me); I feel accepted there. The people that I've met are so friendly (some uncomfortably so, but I think I'll get used to that with time), and even though I'm not a member there, the people care about me. I'm really excited to continue attending this church, and bringing Arianna here too :)

I can't believe that I only have two weeks left in the two classes that I'm taking this semester: African American Literature, and Intermediate Algebra. African American Literature hasn't been that bad, I don't mind the reading, but I realize that I hate writing papers lol. As for math... let's just say that I'm already planning on paying back the TA (tuition assistance) for this class. It probably wasn't a good idea to 1) take this class while taking another one, knowing full well that math is not my strong point, and 2) take this class online, knowing full well that I would need all the help I could get lol. I'm pretty sure I can salvage my African American Literature grade, but Algebra...There's no saving that one. Unless I somehow magically do an awesome job on my final, which I highly doubt *sigh*. But hey, at least I won't have to worry about classes while I'm home on leave! This semester conveniently ends the day before I go on leave :)

I don't really know what else to talk about now... I'm still single *SIGH*, but I'm working on doing things differently. Instead of looking for a boyfriend, I'm looking for what I REALLY want: a husband. And even with that, I'm not going to do the looking. There are two pages on Facebook that I'm following, one called Finding Morris, the other While I'm waiting- Diary of a Single Christian. I've learned so much between these two pages, most recently being from Finding Morris. He has two notes on... Well I can't really explain it, but I will find them and post the links to them so I can least have them on here. Basically, I don't really want to have a boyfriend per say, but I would like to be courted. Reading these notes, I realized that I really don't like to be tied down in a relationship while trying to find the guy I'm meant to marry. From my understanding from Finding Morris' notes, a relationship should go like this: acquaintances/strangers; friends (where you're still getting to know each other, but also getting to know other people; this could be similar to dating); 'friends' (you're more serious about each other, and not really seeing other people); and hopefully engagement and marriage. I want to find my best friend here on this earth. I know that I can't do it on my own; I've been praying for this, along with patience because I tend to want instant results. And when that doesn't happen, I have the tendency to take things into my own hands. And I've learned that my way definitely isn't always best LOL. The hard way, unfortunately... But, I'm hoping that through prayer and faith, I can have that patience and trust that in time God will place that man in my life, and I will be ready for him. I know that first I have to be a mom to my daughter first. I hope that things will fall into place...

Well I think I've pretty much updated whoever I let read this on my life at the moment; I really hope that I can get better at this blogging thing. Since it's private now, maybe I'll be able to open up more and get better about expressing my thoughts and feelings.

Til next time!