You.

I went to donate plasma today, and one of the people working there completely butchered my name. They called me by the nickname you used to call me when we were dating. Shensie/Shenzi. Why can't you just vanish from my memory? When will I be 100% over you, and not thinking about you anymore? It's not fair...

I can't help but wonder...

Would anyone really notice or care of I just...vanished? Sometimes I wish I could retreat into the world inside my head and never come out again.

Procrastinating, or one track minded?

So, I came to the library to work on some classwork/homework for my classes, and ended up doing everything but. Mainly catching up on blogs, since I can't do that on my computer anymore :-/ Man, I've missed a lot in the last few weeks. I'm happy I was able to catch up though :)

Okay. Something that's been irritating me as of today... Something that's known as the "black girl experience". Apparently, it's when a white guy has never dated/hooked up with a black girl, and wants to do so just to say that they did. Um, WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT?? Since when is it such an accomplishment to date a black girl?! Is this on every white male's checklist of things they want to do before they die??? I just had to deal with this this morning... Had a guy message me on a social dating site wanting to hook up because he had never been with a black girl and that they're a super huge turn on for him. Get the eff outta here with that mess, man! Damn, I'm so tired of dealing with the males in this state... They either don't give me the time of day because I'm not LDS (or at least an active one...), or they just want sex from me. Pretty sure I already commented on this last night? Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. I'm tired of being talked to simply because someone's never dated or been with a black girl. It's not just about skin color, idiots. *sigh*

What else was I going to talk about... oh! I went to Walgreens and got some much needed stuff for my hair. I got three new hair products that I want to try (Pantene curly shampoo and conditioner, and Nubian Heritage's Indian something something custard), along with two new face moisutrizers (Yes to Tomatoes, and I can't remember the name of the other one). I'm currently using the Nubian Heritage in my hair, and it smells AHMAZING! My hair STILL feels soft and moisturized, and it's been in for about an hour or so? If this keeps up, I'll definitely be using this as my leave-in/styler. Oh! I also bought Cantu Shea Butter's growth treatment? I can't remember the name. I'm not sure how I want to use that yet... As for the face moisturizers, I got two. I can't remember the name of the one I used this morning, I think it's called Formula 10.6 or something. Anyway, it has aloe vera and bamboo in it, and the bamboo is supposed to help soak up any extra oil that the skin produces. Perfect for me, because my face always turns into shiny skin city from all of this extra oil. So far, no shiny city! It was really light when I put it on, thank goodness I didn't use a lot of it!

I'm not entirely sure what to talk about now...Oh! Both of my classes are going really well so far! I haven't lost that motivation to not complete assignments or anything like that (and hopefully that will not happen at all this semester), and I'M NOT FAILING MATH (yet)! Right now in Math (Basic Algebra) I have a 91.3%, and in my computer applications class, I have a 89.1%. Not bad for two classes along with 10-12 hours of work! Not to mention, I don't have a laptop anymore, so I'm either here at the library or down at the Devry Campus getting homework done (thank goodness I'm able to go down there!). So far, everything is okay.

Oh, did I mention how I wasn't going to deploy to Korea? *thinks* Yes. Yes I did. Well, this Thursday I have my LEEP procedure scheduled. I had to Google it because I'd never heard of it before. Basically (sorry, this is about to be a little TMI maybe), a cone-shaped chunk of my cervix is getting removed, to make sure that it's not cancer or something. At least that's what the doctor told/showed me when he drew a very simple picture haha. I'm a little nervous, because I've never been put to sleep before, and I don't know how the results will turn out, and I don't know how much recovery time will be needed. Hm. I guess we'll see about it on Thursday.

Totally random thought: Not gonna lie, but I do kinda miss going to my single's ward. Not sure why, seeing as how everytime I went I always felt depressed, but for some reason I do.

Another thought: I bought Fifty Shades of Grey today... This book is crazy. And funny. There are times where I wonder if I should even be reading this thing, but I can't put it down! It's good, but holy crap, man! I know I'm going to end up getting the next two books too. Call me strange, but a guy like Christian Grey does sound interesting...minus the play room and some of his rules...

Is it just me?

Why do guys feel the need to lie to get certain things that they want? Don't say that you'll do this or that and get me to think that you actually care about me, and then don't even go through with it. Ugh. Why am I so focused and hell-bent on having a boyfriend? Why can't I just be content with being single, and making friends and just hanging out with them? Like for real, I just don't even want to focus on dating right now. But I know that I will, because I miss being in one. I miss having someone to actually cuddle with. Someone that I could talk to anytime, about anything, and not having to worry about him not caring, because I know he does. Someone who's affectionate for no reason, not because he wants something. Among other things. Why does it seem like I'm asking for too much?

Oh-my-goodness...

There's an app on my phone called notepad, and before I got this one, that's what I used to blog for awhile. Mainly whenever I needed to vent. A great majority of those notes mention how I regret not giving Arianna up for adoption, and in one note I was just plain mean to her. I blamed my parents for guilt-tripping me into keeping her, and how I should've stuck with my original plan to give her up.

I'm a horrible person. Not to say that I don't think that still, but I feel like a horrible person for even thinking those thoughts. I mean, in the end it was my choice, but at the same time, I felt like I didn't have one. I don't know. But reading those notes made me feel horrible for thinking that way.

I'm done.

I'm done with pretending that I'm okay and everything is fine and fucking dandy. It's not. I have no one that I can trust. All because of a stupid friend from high school who I trusted completely stabbed me in the back. My dad kicked me out, and my mom did absolutely NOTHING to stop it or get him to change his mind. I gave up my friends, my faith, all for a stupid boy who, in the end determined that I was settling for him and that it just wouldn't work. I was WILLING TO MAKE IT WORK, DAMNIT. I was willing to give up EVERYTHING for you! I quit. I'm done caring about anyone, because I'm always the one who gets hurt in the end.

Don't ask if I'm okay. Because I'm not. I just broke my laptop screen because I couldn't understand any of the word problems on my homework. So I threw my laptop. And other things. Now I'll have to drop both my classes because I don't have a computer. I fail at life. I can't even keep a boyfriend, let alone find someone who wants to do more than sleep with me and then only contact me when they want sex. My parents are better parents to my daughter than I am. Maybe I should just give them custody, because I suck at being a parent. I might as well not even bother with college anymore, because I can't even pass a math class that I've been taking since high school SIX FUCKING YEARS AGO! How stupid am I? Apparently a complete fucking idiot. I can't be this composed person that people want me to be, where everything in my life is okay, because IT'S NOT. I fail at everything. Why even bother trying when I mess up everything???

I'm done. I'm done with everything.

You know what?

 

 

I'm not gonna lie. I DO really like this song...But I don't want to find someone like you. I want to find someone who's themself (themselves? Feel free to edit as you see fit). While I made more than my fair share of mistakes, I tried to change everything for you. I put up with things that I shouldn't have, for you. I don't even know who I am anymore, and I'm not sure how long it will take for me to find that person. Hopefully not long. Hopefully at least some of the changes I made were for the best. One thing I'm sure of...I don't want to find someone like you.

 

I'm going to find someone better.

 

(I need this one in a frame as a constant reminder)

 

God's silver linings

I feel like this has been my life lately. Just a little shitty. Between getting ready to deploy, to finding out you might be leaving earlier than planned (which spurred an onslaught of thoughts, mostly about having to move out sooner and pack, and where I'm getting the money to do so), to finding out in the same day that you can't go, to all kinds of craziness going on at work (no kidding, it's straight chaos. Stress all around for everyone!), it was hard to think that there would be ANY good coming from this shitty time in my life.

 

It would seem God saw things differently.

 

 

I'm not going to lie, I was looking forward to this deployment. I was looking forward to not having to deal with drama. Actually being able to save money and keep it in a savings account. Not being too distracted to work on my online classes. Hearing that I wouldn't be able to deploy because of a procedure I need to get done... Well it sucked lol. All kinds of thoughts were going through my head; most involved this procedure, others involved who they would send in my place since we were strapped for people already, and then I had to hurry and call base housing so I could get on their waiting list since I already gave my apartment complex my 30 day notice :-/

 

 

Today, at a particularly stressful time at work, I had a few random thoughts that I now see as God's silver linings.

 

While I'm not able to deploy...

I don't have to worry about getting a new computer to work on assignments for my online classes because my laptop screen is a little messed up.

I won't have to worry about turning assignments in late because of the time difference.

I WON'T MISS THIS SEASON OF GLEE!!!

There won't be any stress involved with having to finding a storage place, pack up, and move out in a few weeks.

I'm on the waiting list for base housing...The leasing agent told me of a house that's available and I drove by it on my way home. It's so quiet, and the house is cute (on the outside). The yards weren't large, and the cul-de-sac it's on is quiet, but near a toddler park for Arianna. It's looking pretty good that I'll get it at the end of next month :)

Instead of having 2-3 weeks to move, I get two months (until my lease ends). Even then, I get to move into a house, not a hotel and a storage unit :)

 

So far, that's all He's shown me. But, it was enough :) Even though I'm failing in attending church and reading my Bible (I know, shame on me), God still shows me that He loves me enough to show me that while my day may seem shitty, God will always be there to provide a silver lining.

 

 



Random, scattered thoughts

On the drive into work, I had two thoughts:

1) I wonder if hypnotism therapy (or whatever it's called) could help with getting over certain memories

2) Sometimes (well, most of the time) I find that it's so much easier to not care about things, than to get emotionally invested and developing real interests in things like politics and other things that affect me. Maybe that's what my problem is.

3) I wonder if I could get a referral to see a Christian therapist off base...

Realization.

Today, while crying my eyes out, I realized something.

 

I wasn't crying because my emotions were super sensitive and therefore brought on this crying fit because of someone being prettier than me, I was crying because my period temporarily breaks down the walls I've built up around certain parts of my past that to me feel unresolved. It allows all the hurt, lonliness, self-consciousness that I hold back and bury to come to the surface, and aside from destroying my apartment because I'm mad at myself for feeling these things, I have nothing left to do but cry.

 

I cried because I felt alone. A long time ago, whenever I felt that way, I could call or text my closest friend. In my head I imagined sitting next to this person, their arms around me, comforting me as I cried. I don't cry in front of a lot of people; in fact I HATE crying period. But I digress. In my head, they're comforting me, turning all of my negative thoughts into positive ones. Of course in reality, this doesn't happen. It's just me, my bed, my tear soaked pillow. And that's what makes the hurt and lonliness worse. I'm alone. Even if Arianna were here, I'd still have that feeling of aloneness (is that a word?). For thirty minutes I cried over the past. I prayed for the pain to go away. I wanted, at that moment, to be held by someone and to be told that everything would be okay. I thought back to when I heard others talk about how they felt the Savior's arms wrap around them and bring them peace. I prayed for that, I wanted...needed that. Nothing. For those thirty minutes, I felt completely alone. I had "those" thoughts...

 

I was so mad at myself for allowing those feelings to show themselves. I was so sure I'd had it under control. I can't remember the last time I felt that weak about my emotions. I wanted to throw things at the walls. Cry, scream...literally anything to get rid of the anger and frustration that I felt for being so weak as to let the past come back to haunt me again. No matter how many times I tell myself that I'm over it and that I've moved on, I always seem to fail the final test.

 

So many mistakes were made... I wish I could go back and fix them all, but I know that I can't. There's a reason why the walls were built. I feel better now, but I hate feeling weak and open to the emotions I've tried so hard to repress.

 

Thanks, Eve.

Today, I'd rather be emotionless.

I can't believe that I'm actually jealous of a teenager because I think she looks so much prettier than me. Actually, many of my female friends are prettier than me. Why do I feel so ugly compared to other girls? Why do I feel the need to please everyone but myself? Stupid period... I hate being super sensitive to even the simplest of things. I'm in the mood to throw things...

I should probably stop drinking...

I don't drink that much or often, but I'm realizing that when I do I feel more depressed and lonely and then I start thinking about old memories that I wish I could just erase which makes me feel even more lonely and depressed and then all I want to do is go home and sleep everything away. I'm not too sure I want to be so in touch with my emotions and feelings...