Realization.

Today, while crying my eyes out, I realized something.

 

I wasn't crying because my emotions were super sensitive and therefore brought on this crying fit because of someone being prettier than me, I was crying because my period temporarily breaks down the walls I've built up around certain parts of my past that to me feel unresolved. It allows all the hurt, lonliness, self-consciousness that I hold back and bury to come to the surface, and aside from destroying my apartment because I'm mad at myself for feeling these things, I have nothing left to do but cry.

 

I cried because I felt alone. A long time ago, whenever I felt that way, I could call or text my closest friend. In my head I imagined sitting next to this person, their arms around me, comforting me as I cried. I don't cry in front of a lot of people; in fact I HATE crying period. But I digress. In my head, they're comforting me, turning all of my negative thoughts into positive ones. Of course in reality, this doesn't happen. It's just me, my bed, my tear soaked pillow. And that's what makes the hurt and lonliness worse. I'm alone. Even if Arianna were here, I'd still have that feeling of aloneness (is that a word?). For thirty minutes I cried over the past. I prayed for the pain to go away. I wanted, at that moment, to be held by someone and to be told that everything would be okay. I thought back to when I heard others talk about how they felt the Savior's arms wrap around them and bring them peace. I prayed for that, I wanted...needed that. Nothing. For those thirty minutes, I felt completely alone. I had "those" thoughts...

 

I was so mad at myself for allowing those feelings to show themselves. I was so sure I'd had it under control. I can't remember the last time I felt that weak about my emotions. I wanted to throw things at the walls. Cry, scream...literally anything to get rid of the anger and frustration that I felt for being so weak as to let the past come back to haunt me again. No matter how many times I tell myself that I'm over it and that I've moved on, I always seem to fail the final test.

 

So many mistakes were made... I wish I could go back and fix them all, but I know that I can't. There's a reason why the walls were built. I feel better now, but I hate feeling weak and open to the emotions I've tried so hard to repress.

 

Thanks, Eve.