Taking a bit of a break

This weekend, I'm in the process of taking down my yarn braids. Thank goodness we have  UTE (down) day on Monday, so I can really finish up my hair! I think what's taking so long, is that after I take out the yarn braids I twist my hair. I'm hoping to keep them in twists until Tuesday, and then I'll take them down before work.

Being a single parent is not easy. It's probably sad that I enjoy going to work, simply because I get a break from taking care of Arianna. I'll admit that there have been quite a few times where I've come REALLY close to straight losing my mind/patience/temper, but thank goodness I haven't acted on any of it. I'm realizing that while it's important to take care of Arianna, it's equally as important to take care of myself. I've had my depressing moments, and moments where I want to just punch a hole in the wall...neither of those are good things to experience. There's a book I'm reading, the title of which I can't remember and won't go check because Arianna is asleep, but it's about dealing with emotional trash/baggage, and how it will help develop healthier relationships. I think it will help me, especially with how I deal with my emotions (which basically is nothing) so I can stop holding myself back. Which is why I'm taking a "me" day on Monday. Arianna is going to daycare, and I'm taking a day to take care of me. I have a feeling it will involve a ton of sleep lol.

Anyway, I have a few guilty pleasure shows. Well, one really. Say Yes to the Dress, and Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta. I know I'm nowhere near getting married, but I just love watching people go wedding dress shopping. It gives me ideas of what I would want in a wedding dress. So, Friday night, at the start of my unbraiding marathon, I was watching Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta and Four Brides, and I took a break to go to davidsbridal.com and dollycouture.com to look at wedding dresses. Now- I have a general idea of what I want in a wedding dress. I'm leaning more towards tea length dresses, mainly because my legs are one of my physical features that I actually like, but also because I DO NOT want to worry about me or anyone else tripping over my dress (I had enough of that at Senior Prom, and it was really annoying), and I'd be concerned all night about the hem of my dress getting dirty. So. Like I said, I was looking at dresses, and I just wanted to post a few pictures of what I like :)

I know I said I don't want a floor length dress, but this one right here, would be an exception. This dress is goregeous!

These along with the ones from dollycouture.com are some of my favorites. I also know that I want a birdcage veil :) So yes, I have some ideas of what I want when I get married, even though I'm still single. Heck, a girl's allowed to dream, right?

Remember when I blogged about this?

I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I actually did this for 30 days. I don't even think I made it a week. Sad, I know smh. Anyway, given how my last PT test went (I almost failed because my waist was right at the minimum), and noticing that I'm starting to get a rather large muffin top around my midsection, I need to kick my butt back into gear. She (being Jilian Michaels) has a new thing out too, that I can't think of the name. It's like the Insanity workout program though. I want to get that. But first, I need to tackle this. A few curlies on the Curly Nikki forums that I frequent pretty darn often are doing the 30 day shred too, so we're going to kinda be partners on this, as far as just checking up on each other and seeing how we're doing. I REALLY need to stick with this. And eating healthier. I definitely need to eat better than I have been.

I really just need to get my life in order. Stop holding myself back. Work on actually getting my CCAF, and then deciding on what I want to get my Bachelor's in. Getting closer to God, and deepening my relationship with Him. 2012 is going to be my year. Well, mine and Arianna's :)

I have a blog on the side!

Probably not something I should be excited about (lol), but I must admit that if you've been reading my recent posts, you've gotten the nicer version of my thoughts. Only because the Android app for this phone apparently sucks, and I don't want to waste my time with that. However, there IS an app for Wordpress, which I do have a blog on. So I've been using that one to really vent on, mainly because it was just easier to post from my phone instead of getting to my computer. It's very handy when it's the middle of the night and you're in bed and can't sleep because something is bothering you and you REALLY want to just vent and let it out...Anyway, I just wanted to post a link to that blog, just in case any of you were somewhat curious about what my vent sessions are like. I'm going to try and see if I can link the two, so that way when I post on there it can post here? I don't even know if that's possible. Anyway, here's the link to my other blog: http://searchingforthetrueme.wordpress.com/. I don't know why it did that.

A little bit of an update (and what REALLY prompted me to do this post)... Sam and Brianna are getting married today. Or this weekend. And you know what? I feel nothing. I don't feel hurt, or depressed, or sad. I don't feel a darn thing. I mean, yes, I'm happy for them, I'm happy for all of my friends who are married or are getting married, or are in relationships, but I'm not feeling like "man, I'm the ONLY single person left in all of my friends... Will I EVER get married??" Actually, that's a lie, I do think that, but it doesn't consume me or my day with depression. I'm just going to go about my day, and do what I do everyday. I can definitely say this is God working in me and on me; I REALLY needed his help to get over this one. Maybe now I can FINALLY and REALLY move on, and do what makes me happy. With God's help, of course :)

I hope everyone has a great day!

Oh-nah, I'll post it on my other blog, and then add it on here. I need to get ready for work!

*Untitled*

First, I'd like to say that this week's Glee episode was AMAZING! I was SO happy to see the actual winner of the first Glee Project Samuel on there. I caught the last few minutes of it on Tuesday, and when I saw him at the end, I literally threw my hat and started dancing around the living room. Arianna found it amusing haha. Anyway, I'm just happy I was able to find the site I watch missed tv episodes on again. I tried looking for it before, and I couldn't find it. Doesn't matter now though, because I have found it and will be catching up on my shows!

So it's been over a month since Arianna and I have been in Utah, and it's definitely been an interesting journey to say the least. I mean, it's definitely not easy being a single parent, but she and I are both adjusting to the situation. Unfortunately, with Utah winters come colds. Or in Arianna's case, the viral version of pneumonia : / She seems to be doing better though, so hopefully it goes away soon! She's actually sitting here watching Yo Gabba Gabba (Elijah Wood is in this one, and he looks really creepy doing his dancey dance, "The Puppet Master" O.o).

I don't know why my blog posts are always condensed versions of what I'm thinking. Maybe it's because I've found other outlets (like praying) for some of my other more serious thoughts?

Hm. I want to write about David, but I don't want to get too crazy. I'll just leave it at... I'm excited for summer to get here :)

Now, I'm exhausted. Between working 12s this week and taking care of a sick baby, I'm really lacking in the sleep department lol.

Til next time (whenever that may be)!

Things Parenting has taught me so far:

- If you're busy in another room and you don't hear or see your child, she is most likely getting into something she shouldn't.
- Someone should REALLY invent a toddler proof toilet paper holder.
- Handing your child a water toy filled with water is not a good idea. Especially when you do it twice.

I'm sure that list will continue, but those are some that have come to me in this...week that I've been completely on my own as a parent.

SO! I'm ending my first week as a single parent ALL ON MY OWN, no grandparents to give me a break from Arianna, nothing. It has been...Easier than I thought it would be (and what I experienced back home in VA)/c

Time for a new blog?

(singing)It's one o'clock in the morning, folding laundry got boring, so I opened up my laptop, and...started surfing could not stop...

Okay I'm done. I was thinking of a clever way to open this post, and T-Pain's song "5 o'clock" or whatever it's called featuring Lily Allen came to mind, so I thought I would come up with my own lyrics to their chorus! Well, it was funny to me :P Anyway, I'm sacrificing sleep (and valuable packing time) to update my blog with one final post before Arianna and I fly back to Utah.

Honestly, I'm more nervous about the flights than me taking care of her all by myself out in Utah. I think it's because of the takeoffs and landings...I know her ears will be popping, but I've got some remedies for that (hopefully they will work)! One interesting thing that I've learned-well, two interesting things- while being here is 1) I'm a sympathy crier. Like, my mom started crying once and I felt my eyes tear up, and then another time we took Arianna to the doctor because she got a carpet burn right by her eye after she and I fell down the stairs, anyway she was crying so bad and just not wanting to be there AT ALL and then I felt the tears falling because she was crying. It's weird how before I had her, I hated crying, and now I can't help but tear up during the sad/sappy parts in movies or when other people are crying. 2) I have the hardest time disciplining this child without smiling! Like, I try to tell her no about something, and I feel myself cracking a smile. Or if she's throwing one of her 30 second fits, I'm seriously fighting the urge to laugh. What's with that? I feel so bad for it, but I just can't help it. Maybe with practice, I'll get better at keeping a straight face.

So. Regarding the title of this post. I'm toying with the idea of either revamping this blog to match up with this new chapter in my life, or just starting a whole new blog all together. I mean, new blog for a new chapter, right? Or maybe I should just redo this one? My time will be limited, so maybe I should just revamp and update this blog and see how things turn out. Hmm...

Oh! So I finally got my hands on my keepsake box, and went through it to actually finish my "Sam cleanse" that I started out in Utah. Dude. Over half of that box was stuff that dealt with Sam in some way, mostly notes. After getting all of that stuff out, I found myself wishing that I could get those two and a half years of my life back. There is no way half of my box of keepsakes should consist of things from him while being in high school, right? But it's all thrown away now ( I wished I had been able to burn it, that's way more permanent), so hopefully he won't be on my mind so much anymore. Shoot, I'll be so preoccupied with Arianna that he won't cross my mind at all (hopefully)!

Well, I think that's all I wanted to update. I should probably fold this last load of laundry so I can pack it up and try to get at least an hour or two of sleep. It's going to be a loooong day...


Ciao!!!

I feel like I condemn myself to hell with some of the thoughts that go through my head...lol

So I've been home in VA for two weeks (holy crap, time is FLYING!). It's okay I guess, it's different learning to take care of yourself AND a child, but eventually I'll figure it out. I guess I like being a mom? I mean, there are moments that I do enjoy watching her play and do what she does, but I also have moments where I feel like I'm going to straight lose my mind. I'm hoping that it's part of being a parent, otherwise, I have some reason to be concerned...

Anyway! Arianna is napping right now, so I'm taking this time to actually update this thing before she wakes up and decides she wants to type on here too lol. Life is life, I guess. Nothing is really changing, besides my being an actual mom now. I am terrified of going out and running into Sam and Brianna, because then I'll really be faced with failure, and I don't handle failures too well (especially this one). Ugh. I really hate that he's always in the back of my mind somewhere. Just lurking like a creeper. How do I get rid of him? You know what the sad part is, though? Even though he removed me from his Facebook friends list (without warning too, might I add. Definitely messaged him about that one. Of course, he didn't respond.), I still look at his and Brianna's pages just to see if there's any more mention about wedding stuff. Or pictures (which there never are). Sometimes I wonder why if he (claimed to) care(s) about me so much as a person and a friend, why he hasn't asked if I wanted an announcement, even though I won't be able to go to the wedding. Not like I would anyway. I don't know why I'm so... emotionally masochistic when it comes to Sam. I mean, yeah, he was my first. We went through a lot while we were together. Like, A LOT. But I mean, he's been able to move on, so why can't I? What's holding me back? *thunks head against a wall* I wish I could just forget all about him and our relationship. I really do.

So. Since I've been home, I've been going to some Jazzercise classes with my mom. They're fun, and I definitely get a workout, but it makes me feel SO uncoordinated lol! Anyway, my mom took me to a Christmas party last weekend at one of the Jazzercise centers she goes to, and let me tell you. Not including all of the sexy black celebrities that are out there (*ahem* Idris Elba, LL Cool J...), my mom introduced me to a son of one of her friends... OH.MY.GOODNESS. I felt so bad because I knew from my mom that he was very much a Christian, but I really couldn't help the thoughts that were going through my head lol. Let's just say that he was delicious. And sexy. And just plain ol good looking, SMH at me. I could not stop staring at him! I definitely kept my sweat pants on, even though I had shorts on underneath, because I remembered that I hadn't shaved my legs in awhile...LOL. Anyway, he's a jazzercise instructor too. The Christmas party was hosint a famous choreographer, and there was one point he split us up into two groups. Of course I couldn't help but watch Mr. Sexy, and I felt even more ashamed at myself because I just couldn't stop STARING. Like, if other people weren't watching the group, my staring would've been on creeper status lol. I can't even describe to you how he moved. There are no words. None. At. All. I'll just leave it at that. Mm. I really should change topics. But he was the best looking non-celebrity black man I have EVER seen in my 23 years of existence.

Which brings me to...David. Who is not black, but still attractive, to me. He and I were in a relationship for about a week (at my insistence, because I'm just stubborn like that), before I realized that right now we're better as friends (which is how HE saw it, I'm just stubborn lol). Anyway, we both have feelings for each other, it's just we're not sure if now is a good time to act on those feelings since he's technically stationed overseas in Alaska. Not sure how that counts as overseas since it's part of the United States, but who am I to question the military and how they operate? Moving right along though. He and I have been having these dreams where we're together. I don't know what to make of them. Of course there's the obvious, "oh, it means that you two are meant to be together". Um, I've gone that route before, and now 2 1/2 almost three years of my life are gone because of that very thought. Obviously if we're dreaming it, it's something we've thought about and most likely want. But just because we want it, doesn't always mean it's the right thing (I learned that the hard way too smh). So for now we remain friends (which I think we're both okay with. At least I am. Read a few posts back to really get why), and if it's God's plan, something will happen to where we can be together.

And I think that's all the updating I have for right now. Arianna almost woke up from her nap, but she's back sleeping now. I think I will end this though. I'm fairly certain people don't read most of what I post anyway, which I am okay with.

Ciao!

I am the very model of a modern major...procrastinator

So. It's Saturday night, and instead of folding this nicely sized pile of laundry sitting next me, or running the dishwasher, or even taking care of more laundry that's in the washer and dryer, I've been sitting on here, playing around on the internet and now, blogging. Don't ask me why, I guess it's because I've been thinking about doing a post for a bit and I've just been WAY too lazy to do one. I also think I'm doing this to put off doing homework (which I have a feeling I will be doing tomorrow...*sigh*). Anyway, I guess I should make this post somewhat coherent.

I can't believe I'm going home on Monday. Granted, it's only for 30 days, but still. I'm going home, and taking charge of being in charge of Arianna. Scary, when you think about it. How do I go from not physically caring for her for 23 months, to caring for her basically as soon as I get into the car after I land (I'm assuming, I'm hoping I have until I get home at least)? What if I absolutely suck at it? Ugh I know I'm going to have a hard time... Last time I was home I'm fairly certain I spoiled her. I guess we'll see what happens when I get there. Hopefully she remembers me...

What else should I talk about...Oh! I only have one day of classes left! I took both of my finals this week, AND I PASSED MY MATH FINAL!!!! I mean, it was an open notes and book test, but still- I PASSED! So I think I'm passing my class now, but I need to do this week's homework, to hopefully make sure I pass and then I won't have to pay back the TA! I'm not sure how I did on my African American Literature classes. Hopefully I passed that one; I wasn't really thinking straight seeing as I had just finished working a 12 hour shift before I took that thing. NOTE TO READERS: Don't take a final after working for 12 hours. It was hard for me to think coherent thoughts and sentences lol.

I'm not sure what else to talk about....OH! I FINALLY saw Breaking Dawn Part 1. It was GREAT! I want to see it again; probably once I'm home. It was SOOO good... I'm excited for the second part of the movie. I can safely say that I really liked Jacob in this one. I felt bad for him, but I still liked him in it. *sigh* I'm reading the book again too, and reading through it, I think it would've been cool to see some of the playful banter between Rosalie and Jacob, because I'm finding those quite amusing in the book. I won't go too much into details, sadly because I don't remember much of it (what is WITH that lately? I've been randomly forgetting things, and it's REALLY frustrating ugh). So I'm basically ready for it to come out on DVD already so I can add it to my collection.

COUPONING!!! I'm not all that great at it, quite discouraging actually. But I'm not giving up! Practice makes perfect, right? RIGHT??? Let's hope so, because...well...saving money is always a good thing :)

And now I think I will go do some laundry!

Ciao!!