Wanna know a somewhat secret?

On the inside, where no one can really see, I'm tearing myself apart. Even though it's what's best, I still have to distract myself from the guilt and shame that always seems to pop up without any kind of warning... And then I hate myself, and then I wish I had my own little TARDIS (sorry, watching Doctor Who on Netflix) to go back in time with and fix everything. Why? Because I regret it.

Sick :(

So last week I went to the clinic, because it hurt to do basic things like talk, eat, drink, and swallow. My throat was also swollen. The doctor said that it was negative for strep throat, but since he wasn't sure what else it could be, he prescribed me medication for it and gave me other options to deal with the pain, and put me on quarters. However, the symptoms got worse. To the point where I cringed when I swallowed, attempted to eat or drink anything. Pretty much lived on a gatorade and applesauce diet, with attempts at eating noodles and cereal (the cereal actually didn't hurt that bad). Not to mention, I started having to spit a lot because it hurt to swallow. It pretty much sucked, so I called the clinic today and they told me to go to the ER (did I ever mention that I hate hospitals? I do). So I went there, and after they did the whole strep test swab thing (blech), and drew around 5-6 vials of blood, it turns out I have mono. Not entirely sure how I got mono, since the last time I kissed a guy was Memorial Day weekend (not ashamed, he's cute ^.^). Maybe it just took awhile for it to manifest or something? I'm going to have to yell at him for getting me sick. I'm pretty sure he owes me now... Hm. Anyway, so I have mono, and now I'm on quarters until next Tuesday. Which means I have to get my Staff Sergeant test rescheduled, and I'm missing a day of backshop FTD next week. And since it takes around 4-6 months to fully recover from mono, I'm wondering how this will affect my assignment to Korea.

Anyway, the doctor gave me some medication to help with the swelling, and thank goodness I can swallow without cringing! I can drink gatorade without being afraid to swallow it! I had three hot dogs (kinda regretted that) and two waffles! And it doesn't hurt (as much)! Hooray! Granted, I'll still probably have a sore throat for awhile, but at least it doesn't kill me to try and eat and drink.

The only downside to being on quarters is that I'm alone. It's just me in the house. Thankfully, my online classes started tonight, so that will be a good distraction. So I have classes and How I Met Your Mother! I think I'm coming to the end of that though, so now I'll have to find another good show to watch (I will gladly take suggestions for new shows/movies!). Still, I'm by myself. It's boring, and kinda depressing. It's times like these where I wish I had family nearby. Or a boyfriend. Or both. Or a dog. Or all of the above. However, I have none of the above, and I have to be okay with that. So before this gets unnecessarily depressing, I'm going to end this post on a positive note!

Later guys!

Productivity!

Yep! I was actually productive today! I went and did laundry (and even FOLDED them! :gasp: Now they just need to be put away... Which will happen. Eventually), ran some errands (picked up some oils for my oil cleansing "face wash"... Just google oil cleansing method! I also picked up some stuff to try this gelatin and milk face mask deal, along with some other necessities), and washed my hair. 

I've been researching the oil cleansing method for awhile, because none of the other cleansers I was using seemed to work. My skin always ended up dry immediately afterwards, and throughout the day my face would get super oily. I'm not sure where I saw it first, but reading about it definitely had my interest. Basically, you're using a combination of oils to clean your skin. Crazy, right? Well I tried it today.

Here is what I used: 2oz of castor oil, 1oz of extra virgin olive oil, and a few drops each of jojoba, sweet almond, and tea tree oil. My skin definitely felt really nice after that. It wasn't too dry, or too oily. It was just moisturized enough :) I will keep using this every night to get rid of the dirt of the day, and see how my skin improves :) 

After that, I used a mix of gelatin and milk to make an equivalent of a biore pore strip, but for your face. It was fun to put on, but taking it off... Holy crap. That was kinda painful. Plus, it got in my eyebrows lol. So that was painful too lol. On the plus side, my skin is pretty darn smooth :) That might be something I do every week or two weeks. 

Overall, today was a good day :) 

How episode 3 of season 6 of HIMYM made me realize...

That I've spent way too much of my free time watching this show on Netflix lol. But seriously, that episode where Ted decides, in the middle of his lecture, to follow his lifelong dream of getting his first building design built made me realize that I have no purpose or direction in my life. I mean sure, I had dreams at one point of being a model, singer, member of the chorus in a Broadway musical (or not Broadway musical... Thank you, Fame of 2006!), and at one point, a writer. But I let a certain ex who will not be named get into my head and basically shatter all of my dreams when he told me that the were all sluts and whores, and slept around to make it in those careers (with the exception of the writer). So yeah... there went those dreams (and I really wanted to be a model too. Like, seriously). However, I haven't really found my next dream. I mean, I suppose I could go back to writing, but I have NOTHING to write about! In high school, there was drama that I could pull from. It was easy to be creative. I haven't really written since I joined the military. A few poems here and there, but that's been it.

Honestly, though? What am I doing with my life? Do I always want to be in the military? What would I be doing now if I wasn't in the military? If I had actually done well in college the first time around, and graduated? (Totally off topic, but has any other HIMYM fans who also happen to watch Glee noticed that Ranjeet is kinda like Glee's pianist in that he's always around when he's needed? Weird. And amusing lol)

Back on topic. How do I figure out what my purpose is in life (along with being a real parent), what I'm meant to do? WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??

Is this considered a midlife crisis? I mean, I'm 25, and that's halfway to 50 so... Yes?

But seriously. Life is short. I should be doing more with the life God gave me than sitting on my couch watching t.v. all the time. I should be out, experiencing life, and doing things outside of my house (and indoors, like cleaning consistently). I'm disappointed in myself. My future self should come back to now and slap me for being such a recluse. My present self should slap myself right now for being such a recluse (if you were wondering, no I didn't slap myself just now). Seriously though... something's gotta change. It's a shame my mind feels like it needs an instruction manual to function properly...and that even the simple answers don't seem complicated enough (I don't know why I feel like everything in life has to be difficult...), and I always psych myself out before trying new things (to include going out in public). I am ashamed of myself.

I really need to change...

And the final numbers are....

So the other day I mentioned how I only had a $20 grocery budget to hopefully make it through to next payday. Here is what I bought at Smith's (top) and WinCo (bottom): 

Care to guess what my total was, and if I stayed within the budget?? The answer is.....

....

....

....

Yes! I spent a total of $17.93! I only used cash, so I'm grateful I came under budget :) Hooray for spending smart (and having recipes to cook from)!! 

Bread and other shenanigans

If you're not my friend on Facebook, or part of the curlynikki forums I participate in, you wouldn't know that today I made Amish white bread for the first time!! Well I've made white bread before, but this is SO much better! I got the recipe from allrecipes.com. 

Here are the two loaves I made today. One is in the freezer, and the other is almost halfway gone (it is THAT good, people). I'm going to have to buy some more white bread flour to make that again (and maybe make more loaves next time). 

Also, I realized today at work that my upper body strength sucks, and I need to get back into shape! So I went searching on bodybuilding.com, and came across this one woman's program that I'm going to use. I can't remember her name, but her initials are JNL. I think it's Jennifer Nicole Lee or something like that. Anyway, I'm going to try her fusion at home circuit workout starting tomorrow (which is hard for me, because when I do workout I like to start on Mondays so I can do the M W F workout schedule, but then I never get around to actually doing anything. But this time I put it on my to do list!). I want to do it three days a week, and mix in some cardio on the other days somehow. I just know that I can be in way better shape than I am now, and if I ever do wear a swimsuit this summer, I want to look awesome in it, dang it! Lol. 

I think that's really all I wanted to talk about... Having this blogger app on my phone really makes blogging handy sometimes, especially when I don't feel like being on my computer. 

Oh! My classes start next week. I'm taking an intro to online classes course (something everyone starting at American Military University has to take if they're doing online classes, even though I've been doing online classes for a few years now), and an African American history class. I'm actually excited about that one, because I was looking up the textbook for it online, and it got really good reviews and it seems like it's not outlined like other textbooks. So I'm interested to see how that class will go. I also test for Staff next week, so hopefully that goes well (3rd time'a a charm, right?). 

Okay now I think that's it. I might be coming down with something... My throat has been sore all day, and it's still sore :/ Hopefully it doesn't get any worse than this. 

Good night/morning!! 

Budgeting!

I think it's safe to say that I fail at budgeting. Well not fail necessarily, because when I decide to keep track of my bills and paychecks and how much will be left over (which isn't always all that much, or anything at all for that matter lol), I do pretty good at budgeting for a good month or so. So! I'm getting back on back with that, and keeping track of bills and paychecks on an Excel spreadsheet. Although (thanks to Google), I did come across a program called mvelopes (http://www.mvelopes.com/). It's basically an online version of the envelope budgeting system that's most known by Dave Ramsey. So! This week, I'm working with a $20 dollar grocery budget. Which may seem practically impossible, but thanks to http://www.budget101.com/ I was able to get a pretty good list and a few recipes! It probably also helps that Smith's is having a sale on a few things I needed to get... So! On Thursday I'll go grocery shopping (my plan is to shop at two stores, Smith's (where I have a reward card) and WinCo), and we'll see if I stick to my $20 budget (which I REALLY will try to stay with, the items I plan on picking up from Smith's have prices on my shopping list)!

I'd really like to stick with my blogging, because sometimes typing really is better and quicker for me than  writing! Also... I might also be addicted to the show How I Met Your Mother... I LOVE this show!!! Thank you, Netflix!