The Spirit of God

“Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also has become my salvation.” 2 Nephi 22:2

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6 (New King James Version)

Looking at these two verses, it amazes me at how similar they are, and how similar the effect is on my heart. Proverbs 3:5-6 are my favorite verses in the Bible, and reading that verse from The Book of Mormon immediately reminded me of that scripture from the Bible. I’m a few chapters away from finishing 2 Nephi for this 40 day Book of Mormon challenge, where instead of giving up something for Lent, a group of us are reading straight through The Book of Mormon. I had a bit of a head start, but I haven’t been very consistent with my reading either so I’m sure I’ll end up following the schedule eventually J

The connections that I’m noticing are slowly building my testimony of the truthfulness of this book. I can feel it in my spirit, when it brings to mind things that I’ve never noticed or considered before. Connecting passages with American history, or church history. The teachings that are prominent in 2 Nephi. What Nephi and Jacob write about Christ, His teachings, and how all of us can receive eternal life ( I almost wrote achieve, but we can’t achieve eternal life; we can only receive it as it is a gift from God)… It’s amazing, that’s really all I can say about it J

Thanks, Eve

“And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden…”

“And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.”

“But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.”

“Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.”

-          2 Nephi 2:22-25

I’m sure that most of us here are familiar with the story of Adam and Eve, and how because Eve listened to the serpent and Adam listened to Eve and they both ate the forbidden fruit. I’m sure we all know what happened after that as well; they were kicked out of the garden of Eden, cursed to work the land, and Eve was cursed with painful childbearing, so on and so forth (this can be found in Genesis 3, if you want to read it!).

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m guilty of this (and I apologize if it’s a little TMI), but during that time of the month, if the cramps are especially bad or I’m just in a crappy mood because of it, I sarcastically state, “Thanks, Eve.” Because we all know that if she hadn’t have listened to that serpent, we wouldn’t have to deal with periods, or times of painful childbearing.

But what would we have had instead?

Slowly but surely, I’m making my way through reading The Book of Mormon. I just finished reading (and practically highlighting the entirety of) Chapter 2. It’s about how we can be saved through Jesus Christ and His Atonement; how there has to be an opposition to everything in life; WHY Adam had to fall; and that because of the Atonement, we have the agency to make our own decision to choose eternal life in Christ, or death. As first I felt weird for highlighting just about this whole chapter (really, I just underlined in red pen, and shaded the parts that really stood out to me), but as I was re-reading while I was underlining, I couldn’t help but think, Why wouldn’t I highlight so much of this chapter? There is SO much to learn from this, so much that explains why things are the way that they are. It’s ALL important, and it ALL should be highlighted or underlined.

Now, back to my original question- what would we have, if Eve hadn’t done what the serpent said, and Adam hadn’t done what Eve said? To put it simply, we wouldn’t be here. Verses 22 and 23 explain what would’ve happened if The Fall didn’t happen:

“And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden…”

“And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.”

How crazy is that? If Adam and Eve had obeyed God, and refused to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, WE WOULD NOT BE HERE. Reading those verses really opened my eyes. Maybe some time down the road, God would’ve come up with some idea for His spirit children to come to Earth, but as far as we know, we wouldn’t be here without Adam and Eve’s disobedience.

“Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy. (v.25)”

Think of some event, person, anything that has happened in your life, that has brought you joy. I can think of a few myself: spending time with my family, falling in love for the first time, graduating high school, joining the military (kind of), but mostly anything having to do with my daughter. Now, try to imagine those events minus the feeling of joy. Could you do it? I couldn’t. For a while, I didn’t understand why this particular verse was my ex’s favorite verse; but now I see the significance of it, and how it plays an integral part in the Plan of Salvation. Adam and Eve fell, so that we could come to Earth and have our own experiences. They fell, so that we could experience the happiness and joy that we couldn’t experience without bodies. How amazing is that?

I don’t 100% know if The Book of Mormon is true or not, as I’m still reading it. At the same time, when God shows me realizations such as this, it does strengthen my testimony. I believe that this part of The Book of Mormon that I just read is true. I believe that if I continue reading, that I will slowly gain my testimony about the truthfulness of this book, and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I’m grateful for the prompting God placed on my heart to write this. I hope that it has an impact on someone, and if not, I’m grateful for being able to share my thoughts on this. I’m excited to continue reading and seeing what else God has to show/teach me!

Powerful Words

For those who know me and still read this blog, I love to read. I enjoy being sucked into a good story, and actually seeing the story play out in my head. I don't so much enjoy the downside of finishing a book, but I do enjoy finding a good one and sticking through with reading it until I'm done. That's my problem. I enjoy reading so much, that I find myself reading 3 or 4 books. At once. I don't know why; I just start one book, and then want to start another, and another, and another... It's a never ending cycle haha. Anyway, I just recently finished a few books on my Kindle (GO ME!!!), and am in the process of finishing another one. I don't know what it is, but since I read "Confessions of a Prayer Slacker" (a REALLY good and relatable book, I don't think I've read a religious self-help book like it before), and started back reading T.D. Jakes' "Power for Living", some of the things that he's written has REALLY stood out to me, and I wanted to share some of those things with you guys who still read this thing. I'd explain why I like these quotes so much, but I'm sure my added emphasis (via the bold, underlined, and italicized words) can shed some light on my reasons. So if you're looking for a good Christian self-help book to add to your reading list, I highly suggest this one, and "Confessions of a Prayer Slacker"!

Here are the quotes:

“There is a root that produces an embalming agent the Bible calls myrrh. Myrrh was one of the major ingredients used by the priests and prophets to anoint and ordain people, places, and things that were set aside for the sacred service of the Lord. Myrrh is a fragrant substance. It grows from a small stick-like shrub. On the surface, there’s nothing spectacular about it. It’s not appealing to look upon. It is just a root-like shrub. Myrrh is also very bitter to taste. But if you throw it down on the ground and crush it, it exudes a lovely, wonderful, and heavenly fragrance.

The more you crush it, press on it, bruise it, and beat it, the more wonderful and delightful the scent that emanates. The more it becomes battered, bruised, and treaded upon, the more potent the release. It’s nothing delightful to the eyes. It’s a shattered root, but it sure smells good. God says in this hour to His servants, “If I’m going to use you to show forth MY glory and MY power, I’m going to have to crush you to extract MY fragrance (the anointing) out of you. TRUST ME IN THE CRUSHING, because when the crushing is all over with, it’s going to bring about MY purpose…. I’m going to make you so aromatic that whenever you come into a room people will know that they have encountered someone who has been in the presence of Almighty God.”

“If you want to be anointed-if you want to receive the power for living- you’ve got to be crushed. If you want to be anointed, you’re going to have to go through some things.”

“Sometimes we’re confronted with problems and situations that are so complex that they very often go beyond our ability to understand and comprehend. That’s exactly why the apostle Paul said “…the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: FOR WE KNOW NOT WHAT WE SHOULD PRAY FOR AS WE OUGHT: BUT THE SPIRIT ITSELF MAKETH INTERCESSION FOR US with groanings which cannot be uttered” (Romans 8:26). By Infirmities, Paul means human weakness that indicates the inability to produce the desired results or fulfill the necessary need. The notation for infirmities in the Ryrie Study Bible, as it relates to Roman 8:26, says that these particular infirmities are “our inability to pray intelligently about ‘certain’ situations.”

“As the saints of God, if we are serious about submitting to and obeying the will of God for our lives, we need to have TOTAL RELIANCE upon the Holy Spirit to direct us in all our daily affairs, “…because He [the Spirit] maketh intercession for the saints ACCORDING TO THE WILL OF GOD” (Romans 8:27).”

“You need to speak the Word of God with boldness, not with your feelings, your problems, or situations. You need to set your mind on God’s promise and God’s Word, and begin to speak the Word of God with boldness. We need not let external circumstances and situations dictate our feelings, behavior, and mindset. STOP BELIEVING WHAT OTHERS SAY AND START BELIEVING WHAT THE WORD OF GOD SAYS. What does the Word say?”

“If you don’t have peace, feel free to petition and request of the Lord answers for your situation.”

 

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Finding my way to God

Originally written August 3, 2014

Yesterday I went to the Ogden Temple open house. I wanted to go because I've never been inside a temple, and I also wanted to see if going inside would help give me insight on whether being LDS was the right choice for me. While walking through the temple, I had various thoughts about the different rooms I was seeing (mainly on the decoration), but two thoughts were more prominent: 1) I want to get married here (as in the temple, not a specific one); and 2) the hymn "Come Thou Font of Every Blessing" was playing in my head the whole time. I didn't feel confused about whether I should be LDS or not. Maybe that's God's way of saying that I should?  Also, I wasn't sad or depressed that I was there by myself. I wanted to focus on being in the temple and having that experience, and that's what I did.

There's a blog that I follow on Tumblr called Spiritual Inspiration, and lately parts of a few of their posts have really spoken to me:

"Many people expect the voice of God to boom like a loudspeaker, but scripture tells us that He speaks in a still, small voice. To us, it seems like an impression inside."

"Scripture says, "Seek first." That indicates that we should take time for God at the start of the day. Don't give Him your leftover time. Make Him a part of your normal routine. Make Him your first priority. Seek Him first, seek Him earnestly, and watch what He will do on your behalf."

"When a grain goes

through a tunnel and

it gets dark, you don't 

throw away the ticket

and jump off. You sit

still and trust the

engineer. Trust God

today no matter how

dark your situation.

God says, "You are

coming out!"

I know that I need to put God first in my life, and to trust that He has a plan for my life and that I need to stop trying to control it all the time (I mean, look where it's gotten me?). I know it's not something that will happen immediately, but if I stay consistent, I know that good things will happen.

My thoughts on becoming an NCO

Originally written July 30, 2014

I'm going to be sewing on Staff Sergeant soon...and I thought occurred  to me while I was at work:

What kind of NCO do I want to be?

How do I want to portray myself- my work ethic, beliefs, personality, to my airmen, coworkers, and supervisors? How do I want to lead, guide, and counsel my airmen? What kind of example do I want to set? What should I expect from them? What should they expect from me, as their supervisor?

Being a Staff Sergeant, or any NCO or SNCO rank is more than just getting a larger paycheck (although that's a nice bonus/incentive to make rank) and being able to tell people what to do, or expecting people to automatically respect you as a person because of your rank.

Being an NCO or SNCO is about leading by example. Caring for and about the people who work for you. Respecting those same people as actual people, and not just their rank. Earning their respect (without being a complete pushover just to get people to like you). It's about being tough on them when they need it, or pushing them to do better because you can see their potential. 

Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. Everyone is different, and does things their own way, but I feel that leading by example and being a good role model for those we supervise should be an important -if not the most important- universal characteristic of an NCO and SNCO.

That's just my two cents.

Jesus take the wheel...literally.

*This is part of an entry from my journal that I wanted to share with you guys (if there's anyone that still reads this thing, haha). I've felt an impression that there are things that I've written in my journal that I should also share on my blog, so the next three posts are either full entries or excerpts for recent journal entries.*

Original date written: July 27, 2014

I've been reading a book suggested to me by a friend called "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success", by Deepak Chopra. I've been doing A LOT of underlining in this book, starting at chapter 2 since my notes from chapter 1 are in a notebook. I'll transfer what I underlined into that notebook once I'm done reading it. Anyway, I'm currently on chapter 4, The Law of Least Effort, and I underlined this part that really stood out to me:

"Attention to the ego consumes the greatest amount of energy. When your internal reference point (mentioned also in chapter 1) is the ego, when you seek power and control over other people or seek approval from others, you spend energy in a wasteful way."

This stuck out to me because I have this problem, where I feel I HAVE to be in control of things that I do, or that could concern me. When I have plans made, or an idea of how I want my day to go (outside of work), I expect it to go that way. When they don't go how I planned or how I thought it would, I get frustrated and irritated. The smallest thing could go wrong, and my whole day could be ruined. However, this quote stuck out to me. I'm wasting my energy trying to exert too much control over my life (and also trying to please others, but that's not the point right now). I could let this incident ruin my whole day, or I could sulk and be mad for a little bit, try to focus on the positive aspects of the incident (not being stressed over time, having more time for homework, getting more sleep), and go about my day. So I went with option 2 and sulked, after which I cut my backyard, worked out for an hour, ran the dishwasher, cooked dinner, and worked on my beachbody coach website. 

I know that it's not something that's going to happen overnight, but I can't keep trying to have so much control over things that aren't really in my control, and stressing out or being frustrated when it doesn't go according to my plan. The same goes for things that are in my control.

"Acceptance simply means that you make a commitment: "Today I will accept people, situations, circumstances, and events as they occur." This means I will know that this moment is as it should be... When you struggle against this moment, you're actually struggling against the entire universe." 

I think that once I learn how to properly meditate, along with prayer, reading my scriptures, and God's help, I'll be able to relinquish the iron grip of control that I have on my life and be able to actually be happy and realize my purpose and go after it. 

This book is really good so far. I'm eager to read the other book that I bought (by the same friend's suggestion) that Deepak Chopra wrote. This is some insightful stuff!

*current edit: I finished the book mentioned in this post, and it was definitely something that I needed to read. It had a lot of things that I needed to think about and incorporate into my life now. I would suggest this book to other people, for sure.

I don't want your pity, I just want to vent and express myself the best way I know how

I hear laughing and people being social, and then there’s me; alone, in my hotel room. I hate myself, I’m mad at myself, because no matter how much I want to be social, and make friends, and have people to hang out with, and talk to, it just doesn’t seem to happen. Everyone’s all “Just go out and do something/ Talk to someone…” They think it’s so easy for me to just go out somewhere in a crowd of people and strike up a conversation with the complete stranger next to me. I want to ask them, “Do you not see my fingers, my hands? Do you not pay attention to how I shy away from people, large groups; how quiet I am? IT’S NOT FUCKING EASY.” Going out in public makes me so anxious that I pick my fingers to pieces. I see all the happy couples, families, friends; and then there’s me, by myself. It’s so overwhelmingly depressing sometimes, the reminder that I’m alone, and have the hardest time asking people to hang out, or just to talk because I don’t want to be a bother and interrupt whatever they’ve got going on that’s most likely way more important than my stupid issues that are always the same… Sure, I might open up a little, but I’m still quiet and reserved. Outside of my sarcastic statements, I don’t know how to hold a conversation past the basic ‘get to know you stuff’. I don’t know what to ask, without seeming like I’m being nosy. There was a time when I was really quite social, back in my freshman year of high school. Heck, I made a high school best friend simply because one of us mentioned Dream Street on the walk to math class, and then we became friends after that. So yeah, at one point it was easy for me to make friends, talk to people, be somewhat sociable. And then relationships happened; and things started changing. People would say things, and I’d try to prove them wrong so they would like me. Then THE relationship happened, and things LITERALLY changed; all over a stupid feeling that I thought I had…. And while it was okay in the beginning, it eventually wasn’t okay. A lot of mistakes were made, and I really wish I had had the strength, the courage, to just end it instead of taking “breaks”. Of course, when it did actually end, I regretted it and wanted to take it back, but it was too late. I know things that happened in that relationship changed me; things that happened after that relationship changed me, and I don’t think it was for the better. I shouldn’t be terrified to go out to run simple errands; I shouldn’t be afraid of talking to real people, in person; I shouldn’t feel the need to physically shrink away from people when they get too close to me. I want to be the person that I imagine in my head; strong, confident, has self-esteem, doesn’t care what people think about her, and doesn’t compromise on her beliefs/standards in the off chance that a guy is remotely interested in her. I know that guys see me, and see how weak, shy, and timid I am. They take advantage of the fact that I look like the type of girl who has a hard time saying “no”, and just wants people to like her. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve told guys “no” before, in my sporadic moments where I actually care about myself and my standards, and know that I’m worth much more than someone’s sex buddy. But most of the time I’m not, and that mentality is ingrained in my mind for some reason that sex is all I’m good for. I focus on my failures; my shortcomings; my flaws; my faults. I see other people living the life that I want to live SO BADLY, but feel like I will never live because it didn’t work out with the one person that I realized a little too late that I wanted to be with, despite all of the crap that he put me through, because of what I did to him and I felt I deserved what I got (but really, who deserves to be someone’s “secret girlfriend” just to prove to them that you can handle being in a faithful relationship with them while they’re in another relationship with someone that they didn’t even have feelings for? WHO FREAKING DOES THAT SHIT???). Because life happened, stupid choices were made, and more stupid choices were made, all because I didn’t want people to be mad at me, or hate me. Even when I knew I was right, and all I wanted was someone to be there to support ME, and be there for ME. It’s okay though, apparently I’m not allowed to think or do anything for myself. Clearly I don’t know myself well enough to know what I can and can’t handle. Whatever. I just wish… I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I didn’t have to try and reach impossible standards that were set before me, and then feel like a complete failure because I didn’t reach them. I wish I wasn’t afraid to say what’s on my mind, because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, or make them not like me anymore ( I don’t even know why I worry so much about whether people like me or not…). I wish I don’t have to worry about anxiety, or possibly depression, and unhealthy thoughts. I wish I could just completely erase certain parts and people from my past, like I never met them, or those events never happened. I wish I could be the person that’s in my head… But I don’t know how to do any of that. I want to have a life, and meet people, and make friends… How does someone do that when large crowds make them anxious? Even around friends, I’m quiet and eventually fade away into the background because I don’t know what to say, or talk about. I’ve gotten used to being by myself. I’ve gotten used to not having expectations anymore. I’ve gotten used to settling for what I can get, because I’m too afraid to say what I want, and stand up for what I want, and not budge from what I want and settle for less than what I want/deserve. But maybe it’s because I don’t feel like I deserve what I want. Whenever anything good happens, I do something to mess it up. Maybe I deserve to be alone, to see others living a life that I’ve wanted for myself, but at the same time, I’m afraid to have. I go out, and I find that I’m always comparing myself to someone else that I see, and I always come up short. I know that no one’s life is perfect, and I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but for whatever reason that doesn’t change the fact that when I look at myself and my life compared to someone else that I see, I feel less…accomplished in my life. And then I think “if I hadn’t messed things up back then, my life would be so much different now. I would be happy, because I got what I wanted.” That’s not the case, though. For whatever reason (and I know this is completely backwards), I’m not happy with me unless others are happy with me. I try to set goals for myself, I try to better myself…and then I fall behind somehow. Sometimes, I can pick myself back up again and just keep on trucking. Most of the time… I’m my own worst enemy. Maybe I’m too hard on myself; I expect perfection and when I don’t get it I feel worthless and stupid, and then it’s no wonder I’m not where I want to be, because I fail at everything I try to accomplish. Why do I even bother trying, right? It’s whatever though; I’ll just suck it up, squeeze it in the bottle inside and keep moving somehow… Maybe one day I’ll care enough, long enough to be the person that I probably would have been, had life gone differently or something.

Oh, that clever green-eyed monster

I have a confession to make: I get jealous. Pretty easily, apparently, and over a lot of things. I'm jealous of people with lots of money. Jealous of single moms who can actually handle having their kid(s) with them. Jealous of people who are in relationships, dating, or even have the attention of someone who really likes them and doesn't mind showing it. Jealous of girls that are prettier than me, and have better/ more clothes than I do. Jealous of people who are in shape (yes I know, this is something that I can really get over by myself if I just exercised and ate right consistently). Jealous of people who can start a conversation with anyone. Jealous of people with friends. Jealous of people who carry themselves with confidence (again, something that I could most likely get over on my own). Jealous of people with college degrees (especially if they're younger than me, because then I feel like I've done nothing with my life except fail at getting a degree in a normal time frame). It's really sad that I just came up with an entire paragraph pf things that I'm jealous of, when it should be much shorter or non-existent even. Then again, I'm only human, and I don't think I'm the only person on the planet who deals with jealousy.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this post. I just realized (after hearing the thoughts in my head) just how easily I get jealous about things, and I really don't like it. When I get jealous, I start trying to do things or buy things or act a certain way to fit what I'm jealous about; if that doesn't work, I just retreat and stay quiet (which makes me look moody and like I don't want to be there, and sometimes I don't and want to just leave). My point is, my jealousy is getting ridiculous, and I really don't like that I get jealous over so much stuff. Not everyone/everything I get jealous over is perfect behind closed doors, and I get that, but that doesn't change the fact that I want it too, you know? I know that this issue of mine is really holding me back from being myself because I'm too focused on doing what I can to fit in and get the approval of those around me. At the same time, I know that when I'm not being myself, I get more self-conscious, and then I get paranoid that people can see that I'm not being myself and that my facade of being someone who's part of the "in crowd" is crumbling around me, and exposing me as this awkward person who's horrible in social situations, and usually ends up on the couch watching t.v. and feeling miserable about herself even when she wants to go out and be around other people.

I wish that I could not get so terrified being around large groups of people. I wish I could hold my own in a group of friends and be confident enough to join the conversation/activity instead of shying away into a corner because I'm too afraid to be myself, let go and just enjoy being around friends. I really and truly wish that I was confident enough in myself to not care what other people think (to a certain extent) of how I dress, act, or talk instead of...remodeling myself to fit whoever I'm hanging around with so that they'll like me. I wish I could put on an outfit that I feel like a million bucks in without pointing out every flaw that I see (like a muffin top); and when I come across someone who's dressed nicer (in my opinion) than me, be able to think "Wow, her outfit is hot, just like mine!" instead of "Wow, she looks so much prettier than me, I should have worn something nicer so that others will notice me more too."

I wish I could stop putting so much pressure on myself to fit in and be liked by everyone and instead just focus on being the best me that I can be and accept and live with.

Is it really this normal/common for birds to be flying around this airport? O.o

Today is a very special day. It's hard to believe that 4 years and 5 days ago, my daughter Arianna was born at 8:46am. And now she's 4. FREAKING FOUR YEARS OLD! Where has the time gone?? It's so crazy, and I think it feels even crazier for me because I'm not around her 24/7, but she really is growing up so fast... Maybe too fast? I've already missed so much, and I hate having to miss more of her milestones and other accomplishments that she will reach as she continues to grow. That.  will change though, I have a plan that I believe God has shown me, the next steps that I need to take to not miss out on anything else, and be a happier person.

Not many people know this (and by not many, I mean hardly anyone, until now), but I HATE crying. Not so much when other people cry, but I hate when I cry. For the longest time I've always linked crying to being weak, but I've learned since Sam, and since I've had Arianna, that sometimes it's okay to cry. Sometimes that's the only way to really deal with everything that's going on in your life. Sometimes it's good to just have a good cry and let out all of the stress and frustration that's going on in your life. Sometimes tears are the only worthy replacement when you can't accurately express how you're feeling. I've noticed that for me, crying is a good way to really get in touch with God, and feel His comforting, loving presence around me until I fall asleep, waking up the next morning feeling refreshed and not even remembering what I was crying about the night before. So for me, it's also a reminder that I'm not alone, that God loves me, and He will not leave me.

Well, this post has certainly taken a turn that I was not prepared to take, haha. I guess that's what happens when you just left your fingers type whatever comes to your mind, the only corrections being grammatical/spelling errors.

Anyway, this morning I clicked on a video that was posted on Facebook, because it looked interesting. Turns out that it's a compilation of various service members coming home from deployments and surprising their families. Usually, I purposefully avoid these videos (and the TV show that used to be on TLC, I think) because I know that they would make me cry. And yet, I couldn't close out of that video...5 guesses as to what happened while I was watching the videos lol. What's also funny is that I also had something in my eye, which caused even more tears, so even if I had been around someone and tried to use "oh I've got something in my eye", they probably wouldn't believe me even though it was totally true -_- It got me thinking about how it will go when I get home to VA today for Arianna's birthday. Will there be tears? Most likely (and most likely from me and my mom, ha). I'm both excited and nervous, because I don't know how Arianna will react, let alone how I'll react. I just know that it will be a happy and exciting time, and I can't wait to spend it with my family :)

I CHOOSE...

Happy New Year, you guys (whoever actually reads this thing, lol)! It's 2014, 2013 is in the past! I wonder how long it will take for me to get used to writing 2014 on paperwork now... Anyway, I just wanted to do a quick post at the start of this year, about goals. I used to do resolutions, but those never lasted more than a week or two. So, thanks to a few ideas from a friend of mine, and some wonderfully helpful advice from another friend, I decided to come up with goals instead. And they're not just any kind of goals, they're goals for LIFE, and I just wanted to share them with you all! I'm reading a book that was highly suggested by one of my friends mentioned above, and it has a lot of good information in it, things that really make you think and realize how much certain things can have a major impact on your life. If anyone wants to read it for themselves (and despite the title, I would still suggest this to anyone), it's called Think and Grow Rich, a Black Choice (don't be afraid of the title!). I'm still near the beginning for the most part, but I've learned a lot. Now I'm rambling now, so here is a picture copy of my Goals for LIFE!

I wanted to actually write them down somewhere that I can see easily, which is why I went with the giant dry erase board (although I should've used wet erase markers...). This way, I get a daily reminder of what my goals are, and motivate myself to stick with them even when I don't want to!

I guess that's it, I hope everyone had an awesome New Year's, and will continue to have an awesome year :)

At first I was going to make this a Facebook status update, but decided to go the blog post route instead. There's more to this that I wanted to write about, and didn't want to have a novel for a status update lol. 

Yesterday I wasn't really in the right head space. I was really worrying/trying to understand something, and it was really frustrating for me. It got to the point that I basically went to bed right when I got home at around 5pm. I just felt really overwhelmed, and couldn't understand why. However, after waking up this morning, I felt so much lighter than I did yesterday. I realized that I can't do things for other people because I want them to like me, I should do things for people because I want to. Or I'm doing something for me. I can't please everyone, and I can't make everyone like me by sacrificing what I want. It's time I did things for myself, and stop caring so much about whether people like me or not. It's not going to be easy, but I'm done trying to please people for any other reason than because I want to. Say what you want, but I'm doing things for me and my daughter. That's it. 

Kutless - "Identity" (Official Lyric Video)

This song came on Pandora while I was walking today, and I feel it pretty much sums up my thoughts about myself. Hope you enjoy!

Looking for the heart pieces

Leave it to me to not write a post for awhile, and then when I do I write about something depressing that I'm sure not a lot of people think or talk about very often. I don't either, actually I very rarely think about this, but I find it strange that I thought about it today (I think it's been a few years since I last seriously thought about this). Wondering what it is?

On my drive home today, I found myself thinking about death. Well...not so much death itself, but what happens after death. And not so much to our bodies, but to us. Our personalities. Our memories. Things that aren't so physical and easy to explain. For some reason, I can't accept that things just...stop. Like...what happens to our souls? Wondering about that really just makes it real that you're alive one day, and possibly the next...that's it. The end. There is no "wait, I didn't do this or say that". It's just...nothing. For those of us who believe in something after death, it's either eternal peace with our perfect bodies in Heaven with God, or eternal torment in the fiery pits of Hell. If you really think about it, eternity is FOREVER. Like, ongoing. Today I found myself wondering, "what if there wasn't a Heaven or a Hell"? What if our spirits just wander- well, maybe not wander, more like...stay- here on Earth? Where's Heaven; where's Hell? I guess that's where faith comes in. But for some reason, I was having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you die, and either go to Heaven or Hell (if you believe in that) for all of eternity. Is the afterlife just like living a real life, only your body is dead and your spirit is in another...place? Maybe it's just how my brain is, and how I think, I don't know. What I do know, is that when I think about things like the afterlife, it really makes me nervous and anxious about death. Because that's it. There's no restart button. No heart pieces to get extra lives. It's just the end. We won't know if there's an afterlife until we die, and I'm not so sure I like not knowing (not like I really have a choice).

But it does make you think about the life you're living; if you were to die tomorrow, or even in your sleep, would you be at peace with the life that you led? You may not accomplish everything that you wanted or thought you'd accomplish before your life was over, but would you be proud of what you did do with the time that you had? It kinda makes me appreciate life a little more when I think about how final death is... At the same time, it makes me anxious because it's like there's things that I want to do but since I don't know when my time is up, there's no way of knowing if I'll even have time to do what I'd like to do. That's not to say that I shouldn't at least try, but at the same time, I don't want to rush and try to do everything either, you know? I don't know. I just had to get this out there, or else it would've bothered me for who knows how long. But now that I've voiced my thoughts in some way, I can now push it to the back of my mind until it decides to subconsciously make it's appearance again.

Oh and by the way, no, I'm not contemplating suicide. I'm not depressed (at the moment) or overwhelmed, these were just thoughts that were on my mind that I wanted to express.

Just a thought (or two)

You know what I realized? I think a lot. Maybe too much at times, and not enough at others. Sometimes I think about the future, and try to plan my life out so that way I (think) I know what's going to happen. I like knowing how things end (and yes, I know that things will end in death. Thanks random guy who probably doesn't exist who thought he'd be a smart ass and bring that up), otherwise I get nervous and start overthinking everything. I need to just let go and let things happen, but still have control over those things. Without putting so much focus into how it could possibly end. 

Having expectations isn't a bad thing, even if you've never been able to meet them, or things never go how you thought they would. It's better to have expectations and get let down repeatedly than to not have expectations at all, right? I need to start having expectations again... 

Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much about what people thought of me. I'm not even sure why I do in the first place! It kinda stresses me out. But I don't know how to not care what people think. It's just how I am, I guess. I don't know. 

I really need to find a way to completely block my access to a certain someone's family on Facebook... Every now and then I kind of try and check and see if there's anything on him (don't ask me why, I did the same thing when he got married. Call me crazy, or whatever)... Today there was actually a picture. Of him. Not gonna lie, it kinda made me nervous. He looks the same as always. I need to stop checking up on him like this, it can't be a healthy habit at all. 

I really need to go to sleep, I don't think I think clearly enough at this time of night. Morning? Whatever. 

The ramblings of a weird tired person... Goodnight. 

Mini me :)

It's been quite some time since I've mentioned or put up any new pictures of Arianna, so here are some from our FaceTime session today! 

Sad, sad weekend :(

I just want to say that this weekend will never be the same... First Trayvon Martin's killer goes free, and then the news that Cory Monteith (Finn Hudson on Glee, for those who don't know) has also died this weekend. It's all very sad and shocking, and I don't quite know how to feel about it all. I just feel...numb I guess. Glee will NEVER be the same, and the injustice that happened in Florida (how could the jury not at least recognize the fact that Zimmerman KILLED someone, and send him to jail for that fact?!)... *sigh* I don't know. I just know that this weekend will be a sad one.

Wash and go success!!

Today I was in a bit of a rush because Arianna FaceTime'd with me halfway through my workout (that I started late; I didn't want to get out of bed lol) so when I finished that it was pretty much 4pm. I had to be at work at 5, but I wanted to wash my hair because during my workout my hair was on the floor a lot, so I decided to do a wash and go. I co-washed with Hello Hydration Totally Twisted conditioner, and then I realized that I forgot the moisturizer and oil that I wanted to use, so instead of grabbing that I grabbed my Shea butter mix (which was right next to the other products, but I wanted to see if I could get some hang time this time around) and just smoothed it through my hair and then wrapped a t-shirt around it. Here is when it was still pretty damp, and then when I got to work and it had some:

These are at work:

I think what helped with the length was leaning forward and letting my hair hang over while putting in the conditioner, along with just letting the cold water rinse  the conditioner out without really touching it and then smoothing the Shea butter in and wrapping my hair so it would lay against my head. I'm definitely pleased with the results :) 

Confidence.

For those of you who know me in real life, you know that I don't always have the highest opinion of myself. I could pull out journals where there are days that are nothing but writing about putting myself down in some horrible way, and really just shattering my self-esteem. There was a time when I felt that I needed to be in a relationship to feel complete, to feel like myself again. I would beat myself up over things that happened in the past, whether they were my fault or not. Let's face it, I was pretty pathetic.

But then my therapist gave me an assignment. Well she gave me a few, but this one is important. She told me to make a list of things that I would want in a guy. That list is pretty long, but most of it are things I'd compromise on. And then a friend of mine on a hair forum that I participate brought up a great point when it comes to looking for guys to date, especially since I believe in God too. She told me about a sermon given by a female preacher where she basically said that these 4 things should make a man ineligible to date you: 1) if they're still living with the parents (I'd compromise on this one, if it's an extenuating circumstance); 2) doesn't have a job; 3) doesn't have a car (or some mode of transportation that does not involve me playing the taxi driver); and 4) doesn't believe in God. I completely agree with those, because that's where I am in life. I have my own place, my own car, a job, and I believe in God. Why shouldn't the guy I date at least be at the level that I'm on, right? Oh and on top of that, I've made it my goal to not have sex until I'm married (sorry if that's TMI, but it's my blog and I do what I want LOL). If a guy can't handle that, then he should just keep it moving.

ANYWAY...I'm rambling. The point that I'm getting at is this. I made these standards for myself of what I will and won't accept (they're not all mentioned in this blog), and ever since then I've felt a little more confident. I don't feel bad for telling guys no, or that I'm not interested. I don't feel like I need to impress a guy every time I walk out the door and go on an errand. I even bought some new clothes, something I haven't done in a LONG time, and I like them because I like them, not because it could attract a male. I think I'm finally okay with being single for now. I've got a lot on my plate right now anyway, with a job, two classes, preparing for my PT test next month, and cross-training that I probably couldn't handle a boyfriend right now anyway. I don't know what it is, but I definitely feel different. An old guy "friend" that I was friends on Facebook with and hadn't talked to in a long time messaged me the other day basically insulting me and saying that I didn't look as good as I did before, and that I needed to go to the gym and "tighten up". He ended the conversation saying that he was deleting me as a friend because I was "too ugly." Wanna know what I did? Of course I stood my ground and told him that it wasn't really necessary for him to message me just to insult me, and that his opinion didn't really matter because I was comfortable with how I am (although I do have a few problem areas that I want to work on) and being healthy, and then I removed him from my friends list. I do not need that kind of negativity in my life. The old me though, probably would've internalized all of what he said and would've taken it and let it get to me, convincing myself that I'm fat and ugly and no one would ever want a girl like that. Not this new me though. I just brushed it off and kept it moving. I don't know why he felt the need to talk to me after all this time, and I personally don't care. The fact that he deleted me because he felt I was "too ugly" just goes to show how superficial he really is. All I can say to that is good riddance.

So basically I just wanted to say that it's weird how something simple like coming up with standards for the guys you date, or doing things just for you and no one else can really boost your self-esteem and your confidence. Now I'm not confident about everything, but at least this is a start.

Til next time, guys!

The next few books that are on my reading list