I'll admit it...

I think I'm headed down the road to product junkie-ism... What's that, you ask? Well, for naturals (like me), it's when you have a billion hair products (maybe not that much...) that you can't help but buy because it may seem like something you want to try... While I just put away some of my hair products that I don't even use anymore, I still have quite a few products. I think I have...(and this includes what I just bought today and earlier last night/this morning) 6 conditioners, one deep conditioner treatment, my bottle of essential oils, my container to sheamoisture curl enhancing smoothie, proclaim hair and scalp conditioner, and a bottle of leave-in conditioner. Wow. That sounds like a lot haha. Anyway, today I found some new finds! They are these:

 VO5 conditioners! I know, four is a lot, but they were only $.89! That's AWESOME!

I found this at Walgreens at 3am this morning. It's called BioInfusion, and I got their deep conditioning treatment, conditioning shampoo, and leave-in conditioner! I used them all earlier this morning after I got them, and they made my hair feel SO LIGHT! I really needed to find a decent deep conditioner, and this was AMAZING! :)

So tonight I tried to flat twist my hair (after trimming a few strands here and there...I stopped because I'd rather let the professionals do this haha), and instead, I conditioner washed it (with the VO5 strawberries and cream conditioner) and then twisted my hair using sheamoisture curl enhancing smoothie and sealing my ends with Proclaim 7 Essential oils. I'm hoping that when I take it out for church in the morning, it will come out ROCKIN'! : D We'll see though, since this is my first time doing this since I big chopped in Oct. ( I can't believe it's been that long since I've done that!). 

 Ugh. Pardon me for looking so rough, I decided to do this pretty late at night haha :)

Lastly, I was starting to get bored with always throwing a headband in my hair, and was seriously considering getting a weave put in or SOMETHING, just to change things up a little bit. Instead, I went to youtube and got inspiration for new hairstyles for my TWA (aka teeny weeny afro)! Here are some of the pictures that I took :

That's all for now! If this twist out comes out looking decent tomorrow, I will definitely take a picture to show you guys the next time I blog.

Til then!

Is there a confidence building camp somewhere around here?

Most people have a wall that can be broken down. I find that I have a wall that regenerates itself at the slightest crack. I don't understand how I can take two steps forward and enjoy myself, only to go like, 5,000 steps back and end up feeling worse about myself than I usually do. Most people have days when they just feel amazing, and everything goes how they want it to go, they're confident... It seems that I just have moments like this. Very brief moments. It seems I'm more...depressed than I am anything else. I've just now figured out how to look good for myself, and not other people (like guys). I couldn't even tell you how long it to me to figure that out. But at least I'm comfortable in what I'm wearing... If only I could figure out the rest (ie self confidence, social skills...dating ha). Oh, and dating. Geez. It's been...years since I've been on a date. Doesn't really help my self-esteem much. I don't understand... Oh! And something that REALLY aggravates me- when I was stationed in Korea, my roomie and best friend that I have in the military would tell me SO many times how guys have told her that they thought I was cute or hot...Ummm hello???? Is there some reason why you couldn't just TELL ME THAT YOURSELF??? *sigh* I know that I shouldn't depend on guys to build my self esteem or whatever, but it doesn't make me feel any better about myself when it doesn't seem like guys notice me. At all. I don't know. I just wish there was a book, or a life coach that could magically appear and help me out here... It really bothers me that I'm so quiet when I'm in groups of people (and especially around guys that I like haha)...And when it seems that a crack or two has been made in the wall that's up, it magically regenerates. It doesn't help that it seems like everytime the wall rebuilds itself, it's always 10x thicker. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. I really don't. I want so badly to not be this quiet, reserved person who has a hard time making friends and gets asked on dates... I just want to feel like I belong SOMEWHERE. Is that too much to ask? Apparently... *sigh*

I hate to sound like I'm complaining about my life or whatever, but it's my blog, and no one has to read it if they don't want to. It's just... I feel like something is missing. I feel like I've missed out on something, but I don't know what it is. I HATE NOT KNOWING! I dunno. I just... Is is weird that I have a hard time praying, talking to God, and just applying what I read in the scriptures to myself? I know that we should use words like Thee, Thou, Thine, and whatever else there is like that when we pray but... I find that I'm focusing more on making sure I use those words than actually praying, or just talking to God period. I mean, how are we supposed to talk to Heavenly Father like He is in fact our father, but be so formal at the same time? I just want to be able to TALK to someone, and get help for things I need help with. Maybe I just need to learn how to meditate. And do some yoga. SOMETHING that can calm me down when I feel stressed. Not only that, I need to find ways to emotionally pick myself up when I'm having down days (which happen so often it's not even funny). Well, I actually have a way to pick myself up, I just need to work on getting that binder together. *sigh* Maybe I just need to find a place that sells motivational sayings or something that I can hang up in my apartment... I get down and out WAY too quickly and easily... I need to find ways to stay positive... somehow.

So...it's been awhile

A LONG while, to be more exact. Lots of things have happened since I last updated my blog. I went on a 6 month deployment. Got sent back two months later with some other people. Went home and got to spend Christmas and New Year's with this ray of sunshine:

Who also happened to turn 1 at the end of last month.

And now with a new year, new things have happened. For example: I developed a crush on someone. That crush may or may not be fizzling out...hm. The group that got sent home early from the deployment is being sent right back- yay... I'm learning the difference between love and obsession... And it's kinda creepy haha. I'm catching up on my FAVORITE SHOWS (in no particular order):

And lastly (and most importantly), I'm learning that...

It's something that I have to constantly remind myself of, because I'm always finding ways to bring myself down. Especially with being a single mom... It's not easy. Being LDS and a single mom isn't easy (at least for me, it's not). But I don't not want to be LDS, because I love being a member of this Church. I love the peace it brings me, knowing the things that I know. I love that despite what Satan plants in my head of what people may think of me, Heavenly Father proves him wrong. Every Sunday. I love that I can always have someone to go to whenever I feel like I'm going through something that no one else could possibly understand...Because I know that He does. I love that Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father loves me, despite all of my flaws. And if none of you can handle that...?

I'm chucking up the

Blessings

Today, I am especially grateful for this blessing:

I am also grateful for the blessing of these people:

(just a side note: these are not the sister missionaries I talked to)

In the event you couldn't tell by these two pictures, I went to the temple today. For the first time by myself. It was so nice to be there by myself so I could think about things. And have a conversation with some sister missionaries which made me think some more on something I never actually thought about before. Even though this was my first time going alone, I realized that that's one reason why I love going to the temple- it's easier to think about things there where, although it's in the middle of a city, it's still peaceful inside the fence. I was definitely able to feel and follow the spirit there, and it was truly an amazing feeling. I wish I hadn't waited so long to go, but what held me back from going alone before was the fact that Salt Lake is a city, and I've never really driven in a city before so I was a little apprehensive about it. Today though, I just felt this prompting to go to the temple, and after driving down and spending probably over an hour looking for a place to park (drivers in the city are CRAZY...it was irritating and fun at the same time ha ha), I'm happy I followed that prompting. I can't wait to finally be able to go into the temple :)

Oh yeah...

The point of that last post was to say that being the force behind the Air Force makes me feel pretty proud of my job. Even though it gets boring, and repetitive, and just plain stupid because sometimes loading just gets ridiculous...We should take pride in what we do because it's pretty darn important. Without the flight line, or even better, the Weapons and Ammo career field, there would be no Air Force. Just U.S. Air. I used to think that the little slogans we had in Tech School were just a bunch of little insider jokes, but they really are true. Without us, it really would be just another airline.

Sometimes, I really enjoy my job. And other times I don't.

What's your job?

When I first meet people and I tell them that I'm in the Air Force, the next question they ask is "What do you do?" To which I just say that I'm weapons, where I basically load bombs and missiles onto jets. After doing this job for two years, it kind of gets a little boring and repetitive...But when you really think about it...

It's the United States Air Force. Air Force being the key words. My job is to load the weapons that bring said force to those who bring harm to this country. The jobs on the flight line ARE the force in the United States Air force. Crew Chiefs make sure the jet is good to fly (basically the jet mechanics), E&E takes care of the Engines, Specialists...I'm not sure what they do but I know they put the targeting pods on the jets and they record all the video from the flights I think. And then you have my job. Weapons. It's our job to put warheads on foreheads. Which, in about a week and a half is what we'll be doing. It's kind of a scary thought, loading up a jet with live munitions, and then have them come back empty, because then you know that you did your job correctly. Those warheads got dropped where they needed to be dropped, and most likely killed someone (or animals, so I've heard...), and we're the ones who provided those warheads. I'm not concerned with loading lives because I've done that before, it's the part where the jets leave loaded and come back empty. It's...I don't know. It will be a new experience, but I'm looking forward to it.

Letting Go

I guess it's something that I need to do. Go figure, life decisions come to me when major life events happen. I don't know why that is, but I guess I need major life events to happen to me to be able to put my life into perspective. I also have a math assignment that I need to do, so naturally I blog about something serious ha ha.

So. This particular entry is about letting go. And how I just need to let go of this plan that I have formulated in my head, and let God take control of my life. Now, I'm not entirely sure how to go about this, since I'm not good with not knowing how things go. I like having control of things in my life. That being said, when I have things set out in my head, I like to live according to the plan in my head. However, after a few conversations with a very special best friend of mine, maybe I should think about how much sense the plan in my head makes. Looking back on my past...choices in life and men (mostly men, with the exception of one man), I'm realizing that I've dated/"been with" jerks. And no matter how much effort I put into trying to make them happy and possibly feel the same way about me as I do them, they were still jerks. But, me being the way I was back in high school, I looked past that. Because I wanted people to like me, I was willing to look past how they treated me. Now though, I realize that allowing everyone to walk all over me is not the best way to live my life. I shouldn't be comfortable with living in my own little shell aka my apartment, and instead should be doing things outside of my apartment. Like... shopping, going to the movies, visiting the zoo or the aquarium, or heck, even going into the mountains (especially since I keep talking about how beautiful the mountains are). That is the letting go part. The other part I need to work on is letting God take control of my life.

Now, I'm not entirely sure how to go about this. I'm sure prayer is in there, along with service work and living the commandments and living the Gospel (are both of those the same thing?). Is there a step-by-step process to letting God take control? It probably starts with prayer. That is step one. But what's step two; step three? Maybe the previous paragraph are steps two and three in this plan...I have quite a few "How do I" questions. Like...How do I pray? How do I know when Heavenly Father is speaking to me? How do I recognize the promptings of the Spirit? I'm sure we've all thought that life would be so much easier if we were provided with a map of what we're supposed to do, but then I guess that would defeat the purpose of our being here. So...I guess I pretty much just answered my own question. Huh. Kinda interesting how we can sometimes answer our own questions in things such as blog entries.

*sigh* I suppose I should go work on this math assignment now...