The truth? I have NO CLUE what I'm doing. I mean, yeah I'm doing what I THINK I should be doing as far as going to school goes, but is it really what I WANT to be doing right now? I'm not going to lie, I'm not enjoying these online classes that I've been taking. I suppose it should be easier because I don't have to worry about driving to class, but to be honest- I miss that. I like physically interacting with teachers and students. Being able to get help right then if I need it...Just physically being around others that makes learning...fun. I feel that with online classes, I'm not really being held to much. Yeah, there are a few things that need to be done by certain days, but it's not the same as actually going to a class, you know? I miss that experience. All that being said, I don't even know if I WANT to study English anymore. I mean, yes I love to read and write, but what can I do with that once I'm out of the military? Teaching is out of the question, so I'm not left with much else... So I guess the question here is-Why am I taking classes right now when I don't even enjoy it? It is such a struggle to get my assignments done (and making sure they're done on time for that matter), doing the reading is a chore in itself... I just don't have the motivation to get it done. Is that a sign that taking classes just isn't for me? Most likely. I think once I finish this class, I'm talking to my academic advisor about taking a break from classes for a bit, or just withdrawing altogether.
There's not much that I can do about my current career... It has its good days and bad days (what job doesn't?), but with the way the economy is and how hard it is to find a job, I can't complain about being in the military. Although...I am counting down my time until I can retrain into a different job in the Air Force (only about two more years left!)... So there isn't much that I can do on that one.
When it comes to my daughter...I won't put that on here. But I WILL say that I'm comfortable with the decision that I've made. I just hope that some others will be too... I think they will though :)
All of that being said, I still feel lost! I'm turning 23 on Saturday, and while physically I feel like I'm 40, emotionally I feel like I'm still a teenager. I mean, there are people my age if not younger that are married and are starting families, or are working on their careers, or anything else to further their lives. Why does this seem so HARD for me?? Why is it that I have the hardest time staying motivated to do things that should IMPROVE my life (like studying for Staff Sargeant, for one; going to college for another)? *sigh*
OH! And lets not forget that I'm also trying to figure out where I am in my faith and what I actually believe without being influenced by the opinions of those around me. I'm trying to start from the beginning, and working up from my basic beliefs about Jesus Christ and the Bible... However, being in Utah, and also being that I'm technically still LDS, I feel indirectly pressured to continue going to either the single's ward or family ward even though I'm starting to rethink things. I'm not saying that the LDS faith is a lie, because who REALLY knows what's true and what's not? So for now, I am a non-denominational Christian. This is my starting block, and I will build from there. If it's in God's plan for me to follow a certain denomination, then that's what I will do. But for now, I am Christian.
I just can't believe that I'm turning 23 so soon... I feel like my life is going by SUPER fast, and there's no way for me to slow it down so I can actually enjoy it for once... I need time to figure out what I want to do with my life; I don't like the feeling of being lost like this!
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