don't judge a book by it's cover

"But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: forthe Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looking on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

I wrote about this in my journal awhile ago, and then again today I encountered the scripture on my Old Testament scripture mastery card. When I read this scripture I think about how it's important that we shouldn't judge our significant/potential significant others by how they look or how tall they are; instead we should be concerned with what's on the inside. Before I read this scripture (or even knew it existed- I know, that's bad), the height of a potential boyfriend for me was at the top of my list. They had to be at least 6ft if not taller, because I was uncomfortable dating someone who was shorter than me. Sam was 5'10, and even though he was just a few inches shorter than me, I just couldn't get over the fact that he didn't meet my height standard. Don't get me wrong, he was AWESOME in every other aspect, WAY better than I thought was posssible, but deep down, I knew that his height bothered me a lot. I think that this is what caused a lot of problems in our relationship, because that's when other guys who were taller than Sam started to become attractive to me, even though I was in a relationship. There's that saying "You never really know what you've got til it's gone"- I really do believe that saying is true, because since we've broken up, I've come to appreciate so much about him, and miss a lot of things that we used to have even when things went crazy downhill. But anyway, this verse has helped me to focus more on what's inside of Sam than what's on the outside (although I'm not going to lie, this guy has some eyes on him! and that voice- I could listen to him talk/sing all day!). I'm happy now that I'm able to realize that I love him not only for how he looks, but for who he is as well. I just have to keep praying that things will work out the way Heavenly Father intends for things to work out (even if I DO see myself with Sam for eternity ^_^). Gotta keep my head up and do what I can to improve myself and be ready for when he comes home =)

IF YOU HAVEN'T READ WUTHERING HEIGHTS, I WOULDN'T SUGGEST READING THIS!!!

I finally finished Wuthering Heights this morning, and let me just say this: never has a book had me so happy and excited at the beginning, depressed and angry in the middle, and happy/slightly sad at the end. It was a good book, I'm happy I read it. The characters change so much, although I think Heathcliff changed the most. I felt bad for him at the end of the story, but not as much as I did when Catherine married Edgar. I don't remember when Linton died, but that was a pleasant surprise when I realized that he wasn't in the picture anymore; he went from a pathetic human being to almost the equivalent of Heathcliff when he came back from his travels. As far as Cathy goes, I felt bad for her after she was forced to marry Linton because of the way she was treated, but at least at the end of the book she ended up happy. I dunno, it was a really good book. Even though there wasn't a lot of imagery in it, I could definitely see what was going on while I was reading, like I was actually there. That's what qualifies as a good book to me. Anyway, now that I'm done with that one, it's on to Little Women!

Hobbies! =)

So I was watching a show in TV today about scrapbooking and it got me thinking about some hobbies that I could pick up while Sam is away to help keep me busy (as if school and work isn't enough LOL). Scrapbooking (or at least printing off my pictures and organizing them into photo albums) is one that I'm considering. I'm also considering taking some kind of dance class, like maybe belly dancing or a hip hop class (also if I have the time). There are also a lot of activities that I haven't done before like camping, snowboarding, skiing, etc that I would like to try as well while I'm out here in Utah (what's the point of being in Utah if you're not going to do any outdoors activities, right?). I dunno. I just know that I need to get out there an enjoy what Utah has to offer- I suppose what's holding me back is the fact that I don't really have anyone to go with- one of these days I'll have the friends to go with LOL. There's just a lot of things that I would LOVE to do, but I don't know people well enough wh would invite me to do that kind of thing I guess. It's times like these where I wish I had had more time to spend with Sam before he left...There's a lot of things that I regret when it comes to Sam, mostly things that happened when we were together. It's been three years since we've been together. That's a little bit longer than we've been together (which was 2 1/2 years)...I wonder a lot about what our relationship would've been like if I hadn't have been the way that I was, and if things hadn't gone the way that they did...*sigh* I just miss us, and him.

Mondays make my week!

It's a nice comfort to know that no matter how crappy my Monday is, I can always look forward to the possibility of a letter from Sam. It's even better when I DO get letters too!*sigh* I love my missionary!

New Ward

So today was my first day back to church since Arianna was born, and I went to my new ward (since I moved to a new apartment back in January). As soon as I entered the chapel I was greeted by the RS president (who actually came by my apartment a few weeks ago with the rest of the RS presidency) who remembered who I was, even though I had been gone for about two weeks visiting my parents back in VA. Then I met a few more people (including the Bishop and his wife) before Sacrament meeting started. Sis. Fairbanks (one of the RS presidency) invited me to sit with her, her husband, and her brother. It was a nice gesture. The talks were good too. One was a Homecoming speech from a sister missionary who had gotten back over a month ago from her mission to the Phillipines, and the other was from a member of the Stake High Council. I recognized his talk because he used some quotes from a talk Boyd K. Packer gave at the last conference (well I recognized the title anyway). I had pulled up the online version of the Ensign and was reading through it before I went to church. Anyway, after Sacrament meeting was over, instead of going to Gospel Doctrine, I went to the Gospel Essentials class where we talked about obedience. I think this was a lesson I really needed to hear because being obedient to God's will is something that I know I need to work on. The lesson was so good, we all ended up being a little bit late to Relief Society/Priesthood! The lesson in Relief Society came mostly from Sis. Julie Beck's talk "And Upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit" from this past conference. This was a good lesson as well, as it talked about how we could receive our own personal blessings and receive guidance from the Spirit. Both the Gospel Essentials lesson and the RS lesson went hand in hand for me, and all in all, I'm really happy that I decided to go to church today. Those lessons were definitely something that I needed :)

"Do you have a girlfriend?" "Nope." "Sisters?" "Nope." "Do you like girls?"

The Best Two Years is one of the best missionary movies I have EVER seen. Well, that's a lie. It's tied with The Other Side of Heaven. They both are so good :) And they both make me think of Sam. The Other Side of Heaven reminds me of him more though because it reminds me of when Sam stated his interest in serving a mission in Tonga when he was taking Swahili at BYU. ANYWAY, if you haven't seen either of these movies, you HAVE to check them out. They're both so uplifting in their own ways...I'm so happy I have these movies to watch when I'm missin my missionary!

So this morning I walked to Church, excited and slightly nervous to hang out with the Relieft Society of my new ward to make ties. I get there with five minutes to spare and there's no one there and the doors are locked. I decided to wait until 10 (which is when it was supposed to start) and still NO ONE SHOWED UP. At this point I was starting to get a little frustrated because there were a few cars in the parking lot but the doors for some reason were locked. 1015 rolls around, and still no one shows up so I decide to walk back to my apartment. I looked at the calendar to see if maybe I got the time wrong...the tie making even was LAST Saturday.

I really need to pay attention to my calendar haha

Rain and Review

There's something comforting about a good book and hot chocolate on a rainy night like tonight...I wish I had a screened in porch to sit out on and read, because the sound of the rain was soothing. That being said, Wuthering Heights is a frustrating book. Don't get me wrong, I like the story- but Heathcliff and his son just irritate the mess out of me! I liked Heathcliff in the beginning- even felt bad for him because Catherine (who at the beginning of the book I felt was a bit shallow and selfish) married Edgar instead of him simply because Edgar had money and he didn't; still, I don't think that gives him enough of an excuse to want to cause Catherine's daughter so much pain by degrading her in the way that he is. And Linton- don't even get me started on him. I agree with Ellen, how can someone who depended so much on Cathy to bring him joy and sanity while he stayed at Wuthering Heights, someone who looked past his complaints and sufferings to make him happy because she hated to see him sad and depressed, just flip the coin on her after they're married?! He turned right into his father, and it's a sad sight to see. They both have gone from sad pitiful people to cruel heartless ones. I'm not done with the book yet, but I'm nearing the end of it... But I don't feel bad for the Heathcliffs, I feel bad for
Cathy because she's being put through so much hell because of Heathcliff's hatred for her father. In a way, this just shows that Heathcliff is not all that mature, and is throwing a twisted sort of adult tantrum. As depressing as it is, I hope he dies. And I hope Linton dies too.

And now I'm feeling lonely cuz he's gone. I miss him!

Today our shop was able to leave early, and since it was about 1pm when I got home (and not really knowing what to do with all of that free time), I went and took a nap. Right as I got into bed, I thought about how it would've been nice if Sam were there with me, which led to thinking about how much I miss him, which then led to thinking about the things I missed about him. I thought about his hazel eyes, how when he smiles he sometimes puts his tongue between his teeth, that amazing bass voice of his, his laugh...And then it hits me that I haven't seen Sam since I was home on my midtour leave back in July. I couldn't even tell you the last time I heard his voice (and I certainly miss that) other than when I was home on midtour. He left for the MTC Feb. 3 of this year, and he was in Utah a few days before hand, but I never got the chance to see him because he was getting stuff taken care of for his mission , and then I was in the hospital. Not to mention I was about 30 min to an hour away from him so that made it slightly more difficult... As far as communication went it was all texting so I didn't hear his voice then either. I wonder if he still sounds the same as I remember, or if he looks the same- well has the same features anyway. I guess that's why I plan on sending him a camera along with some other things in a package next month. Not seeing him is driving me a little crazy. It's comforting to know though, that even though we've gone so long without seeing or talking to each other, we still love each other. It's such a reassuring feeling to have, and now it gives me hope that things will work out. There's a lot we've been through, and although we aren't together right now, it all has made us both stronger and now we're so close to each other. I think that our relationship then was just a test...At the same time, I wasn't as mature as I am now, which could've also been a contributor to most of those problems we had. But, the past is in the past, and there's nothing we can do but learn from it and try not to make the same mistakes again in the future.

So...it's been awhile

And a few things have happened since I last posted. I'll start with the most recent.

Last night I watched this year's Women's Conference, and I have to say that I'm happy that I was able to see it. It was something that I needed to see, and it helped me see that I need to stop blaming myself for things that have happened in the past that weren't my fault alone. It also taught me that I needed to be more respectful toward myself and my body because who else will respect me if I don't, right? The call to return to virtue has inspired me to want to be a better person and to be more virtuous. This weekend I'm planning on going through my Itunes library and getting rid of music that isn't edited or inappropriate. It will be hard because I like the artists, but I know that it will be worth it in the long run. Also, whenever I go clothes shopping again, even though I'll be tempted to, I won't try on the clothes that I know I shouldn't be wearing. It's been almost five months since I've been to church. Everyone who's reading this knows that that's not a good sign, and is probably why I feel as lost as I do sometimes. So, this Sunday is back to church for me- along with getting more involved with church activities and the like. I need to strengthen my faith, and the only way to do that is to get closer to God.

This past Sunday I came home from my 2 week leave to VA. It was so much fun and I enjoyed it a lot. It was special because I was able to see Arianna and spend a lot of time with her. She has grown so much, every day it was like she was growing right before my eyes! Now I know what other parents mean when they would say that their children grew up so fast. Being back in Utah I feel like I'm missing a lot while she's back in Va, but I know that having her stay with my parents right now is the best thing for her. I'm pretty sure that people might judge me because I don't have my daughter living with me and probably think that I'm some selfish person or something like that, but if they think that then they obviously don't know the story and just need to butt out :P

Let's see...work-wise I finally started I-Cert so I will actually be able to do what my job entails. So far it's going really well, and I'm excited to be able to do some actual work now :) What else is there...Oh! I started taking online classes with Ashford University- I'm majoring in Communication Studies. Can't say too much about it seeing as I'm still taking the introductory online classes, but the format is WAY better than the University of Phoenix (in my opinion anyway). I'm excited to be able to go back to school again, especially after the first try didn't go so well :-/

One thing that I'm noticing that I'm having trouble doing is staying in shape. I'm not sure how much I weigh right now, but I certainly am not satisfied with the way I look. I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny like I was before I had Arianna, kinda in the middle. Every now and then I go to the gym, but I haven't gotten up the motivation to go to the gym regularly. Hopefully I can find a workout buddy to help keep my butt in gear to work out- I do have a PT test I need to get ready for (as if that isn't enough motivation... apparently it's not LOL) in the next month or so.

I've also decided to work on my cooking skills, which means actually buying things that I will have to cook...*sigh* We'll see how this goes. I'll let you know (and maybe I'll post some pictures!)!

Save the drama for your mama...

because I have one of the BEST best friends in the ENTIRE world! I am SO PROUD of him and what he's doing right now- I think nothing but happy thoughts when I think about him! :)

EPIPHANY!!!

So we're in the car headed to my youngest brother's bball open gym (myself, my dad, and the youngest bro), when I had this thought: When Sam and I were together, I was in love with him. Now that we've been apart for quite some time, I've come to realize that I love him. I think there's a difference between being in love with someone and actually loving them, only I'm not sure how to put it in words so others will understand where I'm coming from. Anyway, the sad thing is, Sam's on his mission until 2012, and now probably isn't a good time to tell him that (although I think I might've done that already when I asked him if he felt that I should wait for him and gave him my opinion on that...hmm). Anyway, just wanted to put that down before I forgot about it.