At first I was going to make this a Facebook status update, but decided to go the blog post route instead. There's more to this that I wanted to write about, and didn't want to have a novel for a status update lol. 

Yesterday I wasn't really in the right head space. I was really worrying/trying to understand something, and it was really frustrating for me. It got to the point that I basically went to bed right when I got home at around 5pm. I just felt really overwhelmed, and couldn't understand why. However, after waking up this morning, I felt so much lighter than I did yesterday. I realized that I can't do things for other people because I want them to like me, I should do things for people because I want to. Or I'm doing something for me. I can't please everyone, and I can't make everyone like me by sacrificing what I want. It's time I did things for myself, and stop caring so much about whether people like me or not. It's not going to be easy, but I'm done trying to please people for any other reason than because I want to. Say what you want, but I'm doing things for me and my daughter. That's it. 

Kutless - "Identity" (Official Lyric Video)

This song came on Pandora while I was walking today, and I feel it pretty much sums up my thoughts about myself. Hope you enjoy!

Looking for the heart pieces

Leave it to me to not write a post for awhile, and then when I do I write about something depressing that I'm sure not a lot of people think or talk about very often. I don't either, actually I very rarely think about this, but I find it strange that I thought about it today (I think it's been a few years since I last seriously thought about this). Wondering what it is?

On my drive home today, I found myself thinking about death. Well...not so much death itself, but what happens after death. And not so much to our bodies, but to us. Our personalities. Our memories. Things that aren't so physical and easy to explain. For some reason, I can't accept that things just...stop. Like...what happens to our souls? Wondering about that really just makes it real that you're alive one day, and possibly the next...that's it. The end. There is no "wait, I didn't do this or say that". It's just...nothing. For those of us who believe in something after death, it's either eternal peace with our perfect bodies in Heaven with God, or eternal torment in the fiery pits of Hell. If you really think about it, eternity is FOREVER. Like, ongoing. Today I found myself wondering, "what if there wasn't a Heaven or a Hell"? What if our spirits just wander- well, maybe not wander, more like...stay- here on Earth? Where's Heaven; where's Hell? I guess that's where faith comes in. But for some reason, I was having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you die, and either go to Heaven or Hell (if you believe in that) for all of eternity. Is the afterlife just like living a real life, only your body is dead and your spirit is in another...place? Maybe it's just how my brain is, and how I think, I don't know. What I do know, is that when I think about things like the afterlife, it really makes me nervous and anxious about death. Because that's it. There's no restart button. No heart pieces to get extra lives. It's just the end. We won't know if there's an afterlife until we die, and I'm not so sure I like not knowing (not like I really have a choice).

But it does make you think about the life you're living; if you were to die tomorrow, or even in your sleep, would you be at peace with the life that you led? You may not accomplish everything that you wanted or thought you'd accomplish before your life was over, but would you be proud of what you did do with the time that you had? It kinda makes me appreciate life a little more when I think about how final death is... At the same time, it makes me anxious because it's like there's things that I want to do but since I don't know when my time is up, there's no way of knowing if I'll even have time to do what I'd like to do. That's not to say that I shouldn't at least try, but at the same time, I don't want to rush and try to do everything either, you know? I don't know. I just had to get this out there, or else it would've bothered me for who knows how long. But now that I've voiced my thoughts in some way, I can now push it to the back of my mind until it decides to subconsciously make it's appearance again.

Oh and by the way, no, I'm not contemplating suicide. I'm not depressed (at the moment) or overwhelmed, these were just thoughts that were on my mind that I wanted to express.

Just a thought (or two)

You know what I realized? I think a lot. Maybe too much at times, and not enough at others. Sometimes I think about the future, and try to plan my life out so that way I (think) I know what's going to happen. I like knowing how things end (and yes, I know that things will end in death. Thanks random guy who probably doesn't exist who thought he'd be a smart ass and bring that up), otherwise I get nervous and start overthinking everything. I need to just let go and let things happen, but still have control over those things. Without putting so much focus into how it could possibly end. 

Having expectations isn't a bad thing, even if you've never been able to meet them, or things never go how you thought they would. It's better to have expectations and get let down repeatedly than to not have expectations at all, right? I need to start having expectations again... 

Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much about what people thought of me. I'm not even sure why I do in the first place! It kinda stresses me out. But I don't know how to not care what people think. It's just how I am, I guess. I don't know. 

I really need to find a way to completely block my access to a certain someone's family on Facebook... Every now and then I kind of try and check and see if there's anything on him (don't ask me why, I did the same thing when he got married. Call me crazy, or whatever)... Today there was actually a picture. Of him. Not gonna lie, it kinda made me nervous. He looks the same as always. I need to stop checking up on him like this, it can't be a healthy habit at all. 

I really need to go to sleep, I don't think I think clearly enough at this time of night. Morning? Whatever. 

The ramblings of a weird tired person... Goodnight. 

Mini me :)

It's been quite some time since I've mentioned or put up any new pictures of Arianna, so here are some from our FaceTime session today! 

Sad, sad weekend :(

I just want to say that this weekend will never be the same... First Trayvon Martin's killer goes free, and then the news that Cory Monteith (Finn Hudson on Glee, for those who don't know) has also died this weekend. It's all very sad and shocking, and I don't quite know how to feel about it all. I just feel...numb I guess. Glee will NEVER be the same, and the injustice that happened in Florida (how could the jury not at least recognize the fact that Zimmerman KILLED someone, and send him to jail for that fact?!)... *sigh* I don't know. I just know that this weekend will be a sad one.

Wash and go success!!

Today I was in a bit of a rush because Arianna FaceTime'd with me halfway through my workout (that I started late; I didn't want to get out of bed lol) so when I finished that it was pretty much 4pm. I had to be at work at 5, but I wanted to wash my hair because during my workout my hair was on the floor a lot, so I decided to do a wash and go. I co-washed with Hello Hydration Totally Twisted conditioner, and then I realized that I forgot the moisturizer and oil that I wanted to use, so instead of grabbing that I grabbed my Shea butter mix (which was right next to the other products, but I wanted to see if I could get some hang time this time around) and just smoothed it through my hair and then wrapped a t-shirt around it. Here is when it was still pretty damp, and then when I got to work and it had some:

These are at work:

I think what helped with the length was leaning forward and letting my hair hang over while putting in the conditioner, along with just letting the cold water rinse  the conditioner out without really touching it and then smoothing the Shea butter in and wrapping my hair so it would lay against my head. I'm definitely pleased with the results :) 

Confidence.

For those of you who know me in real life, you know that I don't always have the highest opinion of myself. I could pull out journals where there are days that are nothing but writing about putting myself down in some horrible way, and really just shattering my self-esteem. There was a time when I felt that I needed to be in a relationship to feel complete, to feel like myself again. I would beat myself up over things that happened in the past, whether they were my fault or not. Let's face it, I was pretty pathetic.

But then my therapist gave me an assignment. Well she gave me a few, but this one is important. She told me to make a list of things that I would want in a guy. That list is pretty long, but most of it are things I'd compromise on. And then a friend of mine on a hair forum that I participate brought up a great point when it comes to looking for guys to date, especially since I believe in God too. She told me about a sermon given by a female preacher where she basically said that these 4 things should make a man ineligible to date you: 1) if they're still living with the parents (I'd compromise on this one, if it's an extenuating circumstance); 2) doesn't have a job; 3) doesn't have a car (or some mode of transportation that does not involve me playing the taxi driver); and 4) doesn't believe in God. I completely agree with those, because that's where I am in life. I have my own place, my own car, a job, and I believe in God. Why shouldn't the guy I date at least be at the level that I'm on, right? Oh and on top of that, I've made it my goal to not have sex until I'm married (sorry if that's TMI, but it's my blog and I do what I want LOL). If a guy can't handle that, then he should just keep it moving.

ANYWAY...I'm rambling. The point that I'm getting at is this. I made these standards for myself of what I will and won't accept (they're not all mentioned in this blog), and ever since then I've felt a little more confident. I don't feel bad for telling guys no, or that I'm not interested. I don't feel like I need to impress a guy every time I walk out the door and go on an errand. I even bought some new clothes, something I haven't done in a LONG time, and I like them because I like them, not because it could attract a male. I think I'm finally okay with being single for now. I've got a lot on my plate right now anyway, with a job, two classes, preparing for my PT test next month, and cross-training that I probably couldn't handle a boyfriend right now anyway. I don't know what it is, but I definitely feel different. An old guy "friend" that I was friends on Facebook with and hadn't talked to in a long time messaged me the other day basically insulting me and saying that I didn't look as good as I did before, and that I needed to go to the gym and "tighten up". He ended the conversation saying that he was deleting me as a friend because I was "too ugly." Wanna know what I did? Of course I stood my ground and told him that it wasn't really necessary for him to message me just to insult me, and that his opinion didn't really matter because I was comfortable with how I am (although I do have a few problem areas that I want to work on) and being healthy, and then I removed him from my friends list. I do not need that kind of negativity in my life. The old me though, probably would've internalized all of what he said and would've taken it and let it get to me, convincing myself that I'm fat and ugly and no one would ever want a girl like that. Not this new me though. I just brushed it off and kept it moving. I don't know why he felt the need to talk to me after all this time, and I personally don't care. The fact that he deleted me because he felt I was "too ugly" just goes to show how superficial he really is. All I can say to that is good riddance.

So basically I just wanted to say that it's weird how something simple like coming up with standards for the guys you date, or doing things just for you and no one else can really boost your self-esteem and your confidence. Now I'm not confident about everything, but at least this is a start.

Til next time, guys!

The next few books that are on my reading list

4th of July

I've been stationed in Utah for almost 4 years... Today was the first time I've gone to the zoo in the 4 years that I've lived here. Is that crazy? I've always wanted to go, and I'm not sure why I haven't gone before- probably because I didn't want to go alone or something. Oh well. I went today with some coworkers and their family, and it was a lot of fun. Most of the zoo is under construction right now, but it was still pretty cool. We saw some animals that I don't think I've seen in other zoos that I've gone to (not like I've gone to a lot or anything...). After that, I went home for a bit; took a nap, started on some dishes, and then went over to a coworker's house (one of the guys that went to the zoo) and fired off some fireworks. I watched mainly from the safety of the porch or the carport, because you could literally hear pieces of the fireworks falling from the sky, and I was not risking getting hit, burned, or possibly getting my hair caught on fire (they said that it wouldn't happen, but I still wasn't risking it because I have yarn in my hair). Overall, it was a pretty good 4th of July. Maybe even the best one I've had since I've been here, but I don't really remember much about the other ones. If I'm still here next year, maybe I'll look into going to the Stadium of Fire down in Provo for the 4th of July.

Doctor overload

I think I need to slow my roll on how often I watch Doctor Who on Netflix... Definitely had a dream where David Tennant was flirting with me at a party (although he looked like a combo of himself and someone else I work with... Weird...) and we hit it off really well (he'd have his arm around me pretty much the entire time, occasional kisses). It got really weird when later on in the night, we bumped into Keleesi(?) from Game of Thrones, who turned out to be his ex girlfriend, and she was not happy to see him with me lol. It was just a strange dream...but I liked it :) 

Wanna know a somewhat secret?

On the inside, where no one can really see, I'm tearing myself apart. Even though it's what's best, I still have to distract myself from the guilt and shame that always seems to pop up without any kind of warning... And then I hate myself, and then I wish I had my own little TARDIS (sorry, watching Doctor Who on Netflix) to go back in time with and fix everything. Why? Because I regret it.

Sick :(

So last week I went to the clinic, because it hurt to do basic things like talk, eat, drink, and swallow. My throat was also swollen. The doctor said that it was negative for strep throat, but since he wasn't sure what else it could be, he prescribed me medication for it and gave me other options to deal with the pain, and put me on quarters. However, the symptoms got worse. To the point where I cringed when I swallowed, attempted to eat or drink anything. Pretty much lived on a gatorade and applesauce diet, with attempts at eating noodles and cereal (the cereal actually didn't hurt that bad). Not to mention, I started having to spit a lot because it hurt to swallow. It pretty much sucked, so I called the clinic today and they told me to go to the ER (did I ever mention that I hate hospitals? I do). So I went there, and after they did the whole strep test swab thing (blech), and drew around 5-6 vials of blood, it turns out I have mono. Not entirely sure how I got mono, since the last time I kissed a guy was Memorial Day weekend (not ashamed, he's cute ^.^). Maybe it just took awhile for it to manifest or something? I'm going to have to yell at him for getting me sick. I'm pretty sure he owes me now... Hm. Anyway, so I have mono, and now I'm on quarters until next Tuesday. Which means I have to get my Staff Sergeant test rescheduled, and I'm missing a day of backshop FTD next week. And since it takes around 4-6 months to fully recover from mono, I'm wondering how this will affect my assignment to Korea.

Anyway, the doctor gave me some medication to help with the swelling, and thank goodness I can swallow without cringing! I can drink gatorade without being afraid to swallow it! I had three hot dogs (kinda regretted that) and two waffles! And it doesn't hurt (as much)! Hooray! Granted, I'll still probably have a sore throat for awhile, but at least it doesn't kill me to try and eat and drink.

The only downside to being on quarters is that I'm alone. It's just me in the house. Thankfully, my online classes started tonight, so that will be a good distraction. So I have classes and How I Met Your Mother! I think I'm coming to the end of that though, so now I'll have to find another good show to watch (I will gladly take suggestions for new shows/movies!). Still, I'm by myself. It's boring, and kinda depressing. It's times like these where I wish I had family nearby. Or a boyfriend. Or both. Or a dog. Or all of the above. However, I have none of the above, and I have to be okay with that. So before this gets unnecessarily depressing, I'm going to end this post on a positive note!

Later guys!

Productivity!

Yep! I was actually productive today! I went and did laundry (and even FOLDED them! :gasp: Now they just need to be put away... Which will happen. Eventually), ran some errands (picked up some oils for my oil cleansing "face wash"... Just google oil cleansing method! I also picked up some stuff to try this gelatin and milk face mask deal, along with some other necessities), and washed my hair. 

I've been researching the oil cleansing method for awhile, because none of the other cleansers I was using seemed to work. My skin always ended up dry immediately afterwards, and throughout the day my face would get super oily. I'm not sure where I saw it first, but reading about it definitely had my interest. Basically, you're using a combination of oils to clean your skin. Crazy, right? Well I tried it today.

Here is what I used: 2oz of castor oil, 1oz of extra virgin olive oil, and a few drops each of jojoba, sweet almond, and tea tree oil. My skin definitely felt really nice after that. It wasn't too dry, or too oily. It was just moisturized enough :) I will keep using this every night to get rid of the dirt of the day, and see how my skin improves :) 

After that, I used a mix of gelatin and milk to make an equivalent of a biore pore strip, but for your face. It was fun to put on, but taking it off... Holy crap. That was kinda painful. Plus, it got in my eyebrows lol. So that was painful too lol. On the plus side, my skin is pretty darn smooth :) That might be something I do every week or two weeks. 

Overall, today was a good day :) 

How episode 3 of season 6 of HIMYM made me realize...

That I've spent way too much of my free time watching this show on Netflix lol. But seriously, that episode where Ted decides, in the middle of his lecture, to follow his lifelong dream of getting his first building design built made me realize that I have no purpose or direction in my life. I mean sure, I had dreams at one point of being a model, singer, member of the chorus in a Broadway musical (or not Broadway musical... Thank you, Fame of 2006!), and at one point, a writer. But I let a certain ex who will not be named get into my head and basically shatter all of my dreams when he told me that the were all sluts and whores, and slept around to make it in those careers (with the exception of the writer). So yeah... there went those dreams (and I really wanted to be a model too. Like, seriously). However, I haven't really found my next dream. I mean, I suppose I could go back to writing, but I have NOTHING to write about! In high school, there was drama that I could pull from. It was easy to be creative. I haven't really written since I joined the military. A few poems here and there, but that's been it.

Honestly, though? What am I doing with my life? Do I always want to be in the military? What would I be doing now if I wasn't in the military? If I had actually done well in college the first time around, and graduated? (Totally off topic, but has any other HIMYM fans who also happen to watch Glee noticed that Ranjeet is kinda like Glee's pianist in that he's always around when he's needed? Weird. And amusing lol)

Back on topic. How do I figure out what my purpose is in life (along with being a real parent), what I'm meant to do? WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??

Is this considered a midlife crisis? I mean, I'm 25, and that's halfway to 50 so... Yes?

But seriously. Life is short. I should be doing more with the life God gave me than sitting on my couch watching t.v. all the time. I should be out, experiencing life, and doing things outside of my house (and indoors, like cleaning consistently). I'm disappointed in myself. My future self should come back to now and slap me for being such a recluse. My present self should slap myself right now for being such a recluse (if you were wondering, no I didn't slap myself just now). Seriously though... something's gotta change. It's a shame my mind feels like it needs an instruction manual to function properly...and that even the simple answers don't seem complicated enough (I don't know why I feel like everything in life has to be difficult...), and I always psych myself out before trying new things (to include going out in public). I am ashamed of myself.

I really need to change...

And the final numbers are....

So the other day I mentioned how I only had a $20 grocery budget to hopefully make it through to next payday. Here is what I bought at Smith's (top) and WinCo (bottom): 

Care to guess what my total was, and if I stayed within the budget?? The answer is.....

....

....

....

Yes! I spent a total of $17.93! I only used cash, so I'm grateful I came under budget :) Hooray for spending smart (and having recipes to cook from)!! 

Bread and other shenanigans

If you're not my friend on Facebook, or part of the curlynikki forums I participate in, you wouldn't know that today I made Amish white bread for the first time!! Well I've made white bread before, but this is SO much better! I got the recipe from allrecipes.com. 

Here are the two loaves I made today. One is in the freezer, and the other is almost halfway gone (it is THAT good, people). I'm going to have to buy some more white bread flour to make that again (and maybe make more loaves next time). 

Also, I realized today at work that my upper body strength sucks, and I need to get back into shape! So I went searching on bodybuilding.com, and came across this one woman's program that I'm going to use. I can't remember her name, but her initials are JNL. I think it's Jennifer Nicole Lee or something like that. Anyway, I'm going to try her fusion at home circuit workout starting tomorrow (which is hard for me, because when I do workout I like to start on Mondays so I can do the M W F workout schedule, but then I never get around to actually doing anything. But this time I put it on my to do list!). I want to do it three days a week, and mix in some cardio on the other days somehow. I just know that I can be in way better shape than I am now, and if I ever do wear a swimsuit this summer, I want to look awesome in it, dang it! Lol. 

I think that's really all I wanted to talk about... Having this blogger app on my phone really makes blogging handy sometimes, especially when I don't feel like being on my computer. 

Oh! My classes start next week. I'm taking an intro to online classes course (something everyone starting at American Military University has to take if they're doing online classes, even though I've been doing online classes for a few years now), and an African American history class. I'm actually excited about that one, because I was looking up the textbook for it online, and it got really good reviews and it seems like it's not outlined like other textbooks. So I'm interested to see how that class will go. I also test for Staff next week, so hopefully that goes well (3rd time'a a charm, right?). 

Okay now I think that's it. I might be coming down with something... My throat has been sore all day, and it's still sore :/ Hopefully it doesn't get any worse than this. 

Good night/morning!! 

Budgeting!

I think it's safe to say that I fail at budgeting. Well not fail necessarily, because when I decide to keep track of my bills and paychecks and how much will be left over (which isn't always all that much, or anything at all for that matter lol), I do pretty good at budgeting for a good month or so. So! I'm getting back on back with that, and keeping track of bills and paychecks on an Excel spreadsheet. Although (thanks to Google), I did come across a program called mvelopes (http://www.mvelopes.com/). It's basically an online version of the envelope budgeting system that's most known by Dave Ramsey. So! This week, I'm working with a $20 dollar grocery budget. Which may seem practically impossible, but thanks to http://www.budget101.com/ I was able to get a pretty good list and a few recipes! It probably also helps that Smith's is having a sale on a few things I needed to get... So! On Thursday I'll go grocery shopping (my plan is to shop at two stores, Smith's (where I have a reward card) and WinCo), and we'll see if I stick to my $20 budget (which I REALLY will try to stay with, the items I plan on picking up from Smith's have prices on my shopping list)!

I'd really like to stick with my blogging, because sometimes typing really is better and quicker for me than  writing! Also... I might also be addicted to the show How I Met Your Mother... I LOVE this show!!! Thank you, Netflix!

Back to Basics hair challenge

I'm taking part in a hair challenge this summer! It's mainly to (like the title says) get back to basics in our hair care regimens, because sometimes we do get carried away in how we want to take care of our hair. I'm not going to lie, there's so many things we can do! I'll have to go back and get the rules for the challenge, but here are the products I will be using :

Deep conditioner- Shea moistures deep treatment masque

Conditioner: HE hello hydration and v05 island coconut moisturizing conditioner 

Leave-in: garnier fructis sleek and shine

Stylers: Shea butter mix (w coconut and evoo added) for twists/ twist outs on blown out hair; taliah waajid curly curl cream and Eco styler gel for puffs and other "curly" styles 

Oil: Africa's best ultimate herbal oil

Heat protectant: Pearatin fortifying repairative serum

I plan on wearing twists for a week and then twist outs the following week, with washing my hair every two weeks. 

Here are the rules! 

So, here are the rules:

• Only the bare basics should be used with the exception of 2-3 nonessential products. 

• Styling should be limited to 2-3 times a week. 

• List all products you will be using throughout the challenge. These products should be listed as either essential or nonessential. 

• Check in weekly with your progress. 

• While pictures aren't necessarily required throughout the challenge a before and after picture would be nice. 

Bare Basic Essentials include:Oils (such as olive, coconut, hemp, grapeseed, etc), butters (such as Shea, cocoa, horsetail, etc), H2O of course, RO condish (which double as LI's), clays - for those of us who use them, whatever products you use to make your clays and shampoo - for those who use them. 

Nonessentials include:Twisting creams/butters, gels, spritz/mists, serums, puddings, curling creams, pomades, etc. 

Note:Even though oils are considered essentials, please pick your 3 favorites and use those for the duration of the challenge. Or if you're partial to butters, select your top 2 and use those.

Also, if you are taking HSN (hair, skin & nails) vites or Hairfinity, etc. those do not count as essentials or non-essentials; they are merely a personal decision.

This challenge will run from 1 June-1 September.

This challenge came from the curlynikki forums :) 

The day I recieved a copy of The Book of Mormon

So... I've been thinking about this ever since it happened. I was at the clinic last week (?) for my back, and was waiting at the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, when an older woman walked up to the couch I was standing behind. Thinking she wanted to sit, I moved my hat and wallet so she could put her purse down. I kinda stopped paying attention to her and zoned out, and then the next thing I knew she was handing me a Book of Mormon, and explaining that she felt I needed to take it, and bore what I think was a brief testimony about the church, and pointed out that she also put it in the actual Book of Mormon. I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to do aside from take it and say thanks, because 1) I was in uniform, and 2) I just wasn't expecting it. Then she walked away. So basically she went over to the couch just to give me a Book of Mormon. Why me, I have NO idea. I haven't been an active member of the LDS church for a little over a year. It was sitting in the back seat of my car for a day or two, and now it's on the floor of my bedroom, next to my Bible (which is only there because I have no space on my "nightstand"). I'm not sure what to do with or about it. I've been trying to figure out why this even happened. I'm not even sure why I posted this. Hm. Well, now it's out. Well this was a weird post...

I wish I knew what to do about this.

Heather Lindsey's Pinky Promise

This is my number one goal. I got it from Heather Lindsey's blog. I definitely recommend reading it, she has a lot I uplifting and eye opening posts! This is from her Pinky Promise Movement:

The Promise

I will always honor Christ with my body.
Whether I’m single or married, I am content with my portion and I always keep my eyes on Christ.
I refuse to get into unhealthy, emotional/physical relationships.
God wants my heart and I am committed to giving it to Him!
Meditating on and living Romans 12:1 daily.