Holidays and new relationships (or relationship)!

So! I figured, while waiting for my next batch of bread dough to rise (I thought I'd try another recipe and see how it turns out! I like it so far...WAY easier than the first loaf), I would do some blogging!

Anyway- CHRISTMAS! I think this is the first Christmas I was ever physically...alone. No family here, I didn't hang out with my coworkers and their families, and I also didn't go to some random church member's house for an awkward Christmas with people I don't know. Not to mention that I'm single so there wasn't a significant other to spend moy time with either. So I was fully prepared to spend this family oriented holiday by myself. I mean, I knew I was going to try and call home and talk to my family, but it's just not the same as being there or being able to see them. Cue my brother calling my phone via FaceTime (an Apple version of video chatting between Apple products like Iphones and Ipads)... I was confused (didn't know he had an Iphone to begin with), but then I was happy because I could SEE my family! I could see Arianna (who by the way, has definitely gotten taller, and also reminds me of me haha)! It was great being able to see and talk to everyone, and watch Arianna open her present from me (I got her some clothes, a Dora DVD, a toy smartphone, and a microphone), and see the other presents she recieved as well. It was just so great to see her be her. And she's so HAPPY, I could tell. I'm happy that she's able to be around famioly that will love her in ways that I can't right now. I can't wait to see them next year (just not sure when... ) before I go to Korea for round 2. So basically, what I thought was going to be a depressing Christmas, turned into a pretty AWESOME one :)

While reading up on the CurlyNikki Forums that I particpate in, I came across a post that mentioned a Christian female blogger, who writes about spending time with God daily, allowing God to show you His purpose for you, different posts on courting...There's a lot. Her name is Heather Lindsey, and you can find her blog {HERE}! I've been reading every one of her posts, and I've learned A LOT. The most important lesson? Before I even THINK about a relationship with another man, I NEED to work on my relationship with JESUS CHRIST. In every single one of her posts, she mentions how important it is to spend time with God EVERY DAY, and to make it a PRIORITY. That is the relationship that I need to work on. My relationship with Christ. I've been feeling so lost with my life, not sure what to do or how to go about doing it... I need to build my relationship with Christ, get as close as I possibly can to Him, let Him lead and guide me to where HE wants me to be... I need to make spending time with Him a PRIORITY. I'm not sure how much more I can emphasize how important this is. Anyway, point is, my new relationship is with Jesus Christ! :D

Well I guess that's all I wanted to blog about. Time to go finish making bread! :)

A little bit of darkness, to come into the light

Sam and I talked about finding my deeper inner self. He thinks that I'm afraid to find out that I really am shallow and naive and that I'm scared to actually be a deep person. Thinking about it, I'm inclined to agree. I don't like it, but sometimes I am content with just acting like a teenage girl although I'm twenty years old. When he asked me what I wanted to do/be, I told him that I wanted to write but that it's been too long since I've done that. To which he said that when I write is one of the few times he's seen the deeper side of me. That and when I actually have intelligent things to say and when I'm serious (and not depressed). So...I guess I have to figure out how to bring this deeper side of me to the surface and show people that I'm smarter than I let on. -Excerpt from a journal entry from 2008 on my livejournal account.

I'm not sure what prompted me to even look up that account, and sadly when I went to look for my first livejournal account, I found that I had deleted it :/ Why would I want to go back and read about that past with Sam? I really don't know. But reading this part of one of my old posts... It really made me wonder. Why am I so worried about being a deeper person? About being in touch with my emotions?

For example (and I might be seen as heartless for this, but I'm just being honest); the shooting at the elementary school in NewTown, Conneticut. Is it a horrible thing to happen to harmless children and teachers? Yes. Am I crying about it, having a hard time sleeping at night because I can't believe that someone had the gall to go shoot up an elementary school and then wasn't even man enough to face his crimes so he shoots himself? No. My heart didn't fall through the floor when I read the articles after it happened. I do think it's sad that it took something like this to get people to look harder into tightening gun control laws. This whole situation is a sad one. But like a friend on Facebook said in a post, she barely flinched when she heard about the news. I believe that there are some of us who have really just gotten used to hearing about school shootings, mall shootings, theater shootings... I mean, they're all horrible. But after awhile, you just get used to hearing about these things on the news. You become desensitized to the whole thing. Which is a BAD sign of how things have been. To be honest, I feel like a monster because I don't feel more emotion about this shooting in Conneticut. It kind of scares me.

Do I really want to be that person? I would like to be more in touch with my emotions, actually have legitimate, smart thoughts. I still feel naive, like I did back in school. How do I show myself that I'm not some emotionless freak? Should I get back into writing again? I'm not sure I want to write again. Although it would require tapping into my feelings, since I write more poetry than I do stories (and at least I finish those)... I know though, that I do have some dark thoughts. Do I really want to bring those to the surface? It's not that anyone would have to read them I suppose, and maybe it would help me be more...me. And not hide how I'm feeling...

*sigh* I guess it's time to reopen the door that I've been subconsciouly trying to keep closed...

And...*drum roll*

I'M BACK!!!! I'm so sorry, I suck at blogging, but I PROMISE that I have a reason! When I traveled home with Arianna, I put my laptop in my suitcase in it's carrying case, thinking that it would be okay. Wrong. It got a crack under the screen. Not a physical one, but one that you could see from one corner to the other, with a few black splotches along it. As time passed, the splotches would get bigger and bigger, until the only useful part of my screen was the bottom left corner. That's how I worked on two of my online classes. Until I was working on a math word problem. Here is how I feel about math. I HATE math. Loathe it. Detest it. I also hate word problems, because I have a hard time comprehending what I'm reading/ what the heck I'm supposed to do. Cue moment of intense anger and frustration... And there goes my laptop as I chuck it onto the floor. Effect? The screen (well under it) spiderwebs into tiny cracks, and the screen is useless. So I was without a computer for most of my two classes the semester before last. Lemme tell you- trying to get two class assignments/quizzes and tests done while at the library; NOT EASY AT ALL. So... I have an online class starting up next month, and I knew I did not want to work around library hours again. So I went to Aaron's and rented a laptop. Hopefully after taxes I can buy it. It'll be tight money wise, but if I want to succeed in school, I need to have a laptop.

So, what's been new with me? I moved on base (and after deciding that Arianna should stay with my parents for awhile, realized I should've stayed off base lol), and got an assignment to South Korea again! I'm SUPER excited about it. I'm excited about having a laptop again. I'm excited to be able to actually do quality work for my class.

I don't really know what else to talk about lol. So I guess this is it! I promise I'll be better at blogging, now that I have easier access to it.

Later gators!

Veteran's Day

I was donating plasma today, and I was able to watch the ending of one military movie, and I think mostly half of another one. The second one was called "Taking Chance", and was about a marine escorting a casualty back to his hometown. That and the first one... Whew. If I was a crier, I would've cried during both of those movies. Even though they're movies, to get some kind of insight of what it's like to literally put your life on the line to save your country, being totally selfless and giving your life to save the lives of your group (one marine threw himself on a grenade to save his comrades), knowing full well what you're leaving behind... It's eye-opening. And then to watch someone escort a fellow marine or soldier home for their funeral (one of the escorts was taking his own brother home)... I couldn't help but think "wow, and I thought MY job was dangerous?" Yeah, there's dangers in my job, but they pale considerably when compared with those who are part of convoys, or those on the front lines, special forces, SEALs... Just... Wow.

In honor of Veteran's Day coming up, from one service member to many, THANK YOU for your willingness to be selfless, and to be willing to take that chance of losing your life to save the lives of countless others.

For those who need some uplifting...

(I got this from a girl on a forum I post on a lot. I definitely needed to hear this, and I wanted to share!)


God Can Use Cracked Pots

Isaiah 64:8

God doesn't require us to be perfect, He made us, and He knows we're human and will make mistakes. Our job is to get up every day and do our best to use the keys He has provided for us. And when we fail, we must get right with God, receive His forgiveness and go on.

Many people feel that God can't use them because they're not perfect, but this is a lie. God (the Potter) uses cracked pots (that's us) to do His work. As Christians, we are containers that God wants to fill with His goodness and light. Then we're to carry that goodness and light to a dark world, sharing it with people everywhere we go.

Don't be afraid of your flaws; acknowledge them and allow God to use you anyway. Quit worrying about what you're not and give God what you are.

As a cracked pot, you can accomplish wonderful things. You can make somebody happy. You can encourage, edify and exhort those around you. You can use your gifts and talents to serve God.

Prayer Starter: God, I may be a 'cracked pot,' but You are the Potter and You can use me for Your purposes despite my flaws. Fill me with Your goodness and light so that I can carry it into the world around me.

Sent from my SGH-T959V using CurlyNikki App

You.

I went to donate plasma today, and one of the people working there completely butchered my name. They called me by the nickname you used to call me when we were dating. Shensie/Shenzi. Why can't you just vanish from my memory? When will I be 100% over you, and not thinking about you anymore? It's not fair...

I can't help but wonder...

Would anyone really notice or care of I just...vanished? Sometimes I wish I could retreat into the world inside my head and never come out again.

Procrastinating, or one track minded?

So, I came to the library to work on some classwork/homework for my classes, and ended up doing everything but. Mainly catching up on blogs, since I can't do that on my computer anymore :-/ Man, I've missed a lot in the last few weeks. I'm happy I was able to catch up though :)

Okay. Something that's been irritating me as of today... Something that's known as the "black girl experience". Apparently, it's when a white guy has never dated/hooked up with a black girl, and wants to do so just to say that they did. Um, WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT?? Since when is it such an accomplishment to date a black girl?! Is this on every white male's checklist of things they want to do before they die??? I just had to deal with this this morning... Had a guy message me on a social dating site wanting to hook up because he had never been with a black girl and that they're a super huge turn on for him. Get the eff outta here with that mess, man! Damn, I'm so tired of dealing with the males in this state... They either don't give me the time of day because I'm not LDS (or at least an active one...), or they just want sex from me. Pretty sure I already commented on this last night? Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. I'm tired of being talked to simply because someone's never dated or been with a black girl. It's not just about skin color, idiots. *sigh*

What else was I going to talk about... oh! I went to Walgreens and got some much needed stuff for my hair. I got three new hair products that I want to try (Pantene curly shampoo and conditioner, and Nubian Heritage's Indian something something custard), along with two new face moisutrizers (Yes to Tomatoes, and I can't remember the name of the other one). I'm currently using the Nubian Heritage in my hair, and it smells AHMAZING! My hair STILL feels soft and moisturized, and it's been in for about an hour or so? If this keeps up, I'll definitely be using this as my leave-in/styler. Oh! I also bought Cantu Shea Butter's growth treatment? I can't remember the name. I'm not sure how I want to use that yet... As for the face moisturizers, I got two. I can't remember the name of the one I used this morning, I think it's called Formula 10.6 or something. Anyway, it has aloe vera and bamboo in it, and the bamboo is supposed to help soak up any extra oil that the skin produces. Perfect for me, because my face always turns into shiny skin city from all of this extra oil. So far, no shiny city! It was really light when I put it on, thank goodness I didn't use a lot of it!

I'm not entirely sure what to talk about now...Oh! Both of my classes are going really well so far! I haven't lost that motivation to not complete assignments or anything like that (and hopefully that will not happen at all this semester), and I'M NOT FAILING MATH (yet)! Right now in Math (Basic Algebra) I have a 91.3%, and in my computer applications class, I have a 89.1%. Not bad for two classes along with 10-12 hours of work! Not to mention, I don't have a laptop anymore, so I'm either here at the library or down at the Devry Campus getting homework done (thank goodness I'm able to go down there!). So far, everything is okay.

Oh, did I mention how I wasn't going to deploy to Korea? *thinks* Yes. Yes I did. Well, this Thursday I have my LEEP procedure scheduled. I had to Google it because I'd never heard of it before. Basically (sorry, this is about to be a little TMI maybe), a cone-shaped chunk of my cervix is getting removed, to make sure that it's not cancer or something. At least that's what the doctor told/showed me when he drew a very simple picture haha. I'm a little nervous, because I've never been put to sleep before, and I don't know how the results will turn out, and I don't know how much recovery time will be needed. Hm. I guess we'll see about it on Thursday.

Totally random thought: Not gonna lie, but I do kinda miss going to my single's ward. Not sure why, seeing as how everytime I went I always felt depressed, but for some reason I do.

Another thought: I bought Fifty Shades of Grey today... This book is crazy. And funny. There are times where I wonder if I should even be reading this thing, but I can't put it down! It's good, but holy crap, man! I know I'm going to end up getting the next two books too. Call me strange, but a guy like Christian Grey does sound interesting...minus the play room and some of his rules...

Is it just me?

Why do guys feel the need to lie to get certain things that they want? Don't say that you'll do this or that and get me to think that you actually care about me, and then don't even go through with it. Ugh. Why am I so focused and hell-bent on having a boyfriend? Why can't I just be content with being single, and making friends and just hanging out with them? Like for real, I just don't even want to focus on dating right now. But I know that I will, because I miss being in one. I miss having someone to actually cuddle with. Someone that I could talk to anytime, about anything, and not having to worry about him not caring, because I know he does. Someone who's affectionate for no reason, not because he wants something. Among other things. Why does it seem like I'm asking for too much?

Oh-my-goodness...

There's an app on my phone called notepad, and before I got this one, that's what I used to blog for awhile. Mainly whenever I needed to vent. A great majority of those notes mention how I regret not giving Arianna up for adoption, and in one note I was just plain mean to her. I blamed my parents for guilt-tripping me into keeping her, and how I should've stuck with my original plan to give her up.

I'm a horrible person. Not to say that I don't think that still, but I feel like a horrible person for even thinking those thoughts. I mean, in the end it was my choice, but at the same time, I felt like I didn't have one. I don't know. But reading those notes made me feel horrible for thinking that way.

I'm done.

I'm done with pretending that I'm okay and everything is fine and fucking dandy. It's not. I have no one that I can trust. All because of a stupid friend from high school who I trusted completely stabbed me in the back. My dad kicked me out, and my mom did absolutely NOTHING to stop it or get him to change his mind. I gave up my friends, my faith, all for a stupid boy who, in the end determined that I was settling for him and that it just wouldn't work. I was WILLING TO MAKE IT WORK, DAMNIT. I was willing to give up EVERYTHING for you! I quit. I'm done caring about anyone, because I'm always the one who gets hurt in the end.

Don't ask if I'm okay. Because I'm not. I just broke my laptop screen because I couldn't understand any of the word problems on my homework. So I threw my laptop. And other things. Now I'll have to drop both my classes because I don't have a computer. I fail at life. I can't even keep a boyfriend, let alone find someone who wants to do more than sleep with me and then only contact me when they want sex. My parents are better parents to my daughter than I am. Maybe I should just give them custody, because I suck at being a parent. I might as well not even bother with college anymore, because I can't even pass a math class that I've been taking since high school SIX FUCKING YEARS AGO! How stupid am I? Apparently a complete fucking idiot. I can't be this composed person that people want me to be, where everything in my life is okay, because IT'S NOT. I fail at everything. Why even bother trying when I mess up everything???

I'm done. I'm done with everything.

You know what?

 

 

I'm not gonna lie. I DO really like this song...But I don't want to find someone like you. I want to find someone who's themself (themselves? Feel free to edit as you see fit). While I made more than my fair share of mistakes, I tried to change everything for you. I put up with things that I shouldn't have, for you. I don't even know who I am anymore, and I'm not sure how long it will take for me to find that person. Hopefully not long. Hopefully at least some of the changes I made were for the best. One thing I'm sure of...I don't want to find someone like you.

 

I'm going to find someone better.

 

(I need this one in a frame as a constant reminder)

 

God's silver linings

I feel like this has been my life lately. Just a little shitty. Between getting ready to deploy, to finding out you might be leaving earlier than planned (which spurred an onslaught of thoughts, mostly about having to move out sooner and pack, and where I'm getting the money to do so), to finding out in the same day that you can't go, to all kinds of craziness going on at work (no kidding, it's straight chaos. Stress all around for everyone!), it was hard to think that there would be ANY good coming from this shitty time in my life.

 

It would seem God saw things differently.

 

 

I'm not going to lie, I was looking forward to this deployment. I was looking forward to not having to deal with drama. Actually being able to save money and keep it in a savings account. Not being too distracted to work on my online classes. Hearing that I wouldn't be able to deploy because of a procedure I need to get done... Well it sucked lol. All kinds of thoughts were going through my head; most involved this procedure, others involved who they would send in my place since we were strapped for people already, and then I had to hurry and call base housing so I could get on their waiting list since I already gave my apartment complex my 30 day notice :-/

 

 

Today, at a particularly stressful time at work, I had a few random thoughts that I now see as God's silver linings.

 

While I'm not able to deploy...

I don't have to worry about getting a new computer to work on assignments for my online classes because my laptop screen is a little messed up.

I won't have to worry about turning assignments in late because of the time difference.

I WON'T MISS THIS SEASON OF GLEE!!!

There won't be any stress involved with having to finding a storage place, pack up, and move out in a few weeks.

I'm on the waiting list for base housing...The leasing agent told me of a house that's available and I drove by it on my way home. It's so quiet, and the house is cute (on the outside). The yards weren't large, and the cul-de-sac it's on is quiet, but near a toddler park for Arianna. It's looking pretty good that I'll get it at the end of next month :)

Instead of having 2-3 weeks to move, I get two months (until my lease ends). Even then, I get to move into a house, not a hotel and a storage unit :)

 

So far, that's all He's shown me. But, it was enough :) Even though I'm failing in attending church and reading my Bible (I know, shame on me), God still shows me that He loves me enough to show me that while my day may seem shitty, God will always be there to provide a silver lining.

 

 



Random, scattered thoughts

On the drive into work, I had two thoughts:

1) I wonder if hypnotism therapy (or whatever it's called) could help with getting over certain memories

2) Sometimes (well, most of the time) I find that it's so much easier to not care about things, than to get emotionally invested and developing real interests in things like politics and other things that affect me. Maybe that's what my problem is.

3) I wonder if I could get a referral to see a Christian therapist off base...

Realization.

Today, while crying my eyes out, I realized something.

 

I wasn't crying because my emotions were super sensitive and therefore brought on this crying fit because of someone being prettier than me, I was crying because my period temporarily breaks down the walls I've built up around certain parts of my past that to me feel unresolved. It allows all the hurt, lonliness, self-consciousness that I hold back and bury to come to the surface, and aside from destroying my apartment because I'm mad at myself for feeling these things, I have nothing left to do but cry.

 

I cried because I felt alone. A long time ago, whenever I felt that way, I could call or text my closest friend. In my head I imagined sitting next to this person, their arms around me, comforting me as I cried. I don't cry in front of a lot of people; in fact I HATE crying period. But I digress. In my head, they're comforting me, turning all of my negative thoughts into positive ones. Of course in reality, this doesn't happen. It's just me, my bed, my tear soaked pillow. And that's what makes the hurt and lonliness worse. I'm alone. Even if Arianna were here, I'd still have that feeling of aloneness (is that a word?). For thirty minutes I cried over the past. I prayed for the pain to go away. I wanted, at that moment, to be held by someone and to be told that everything would be okay. I thought back to when I heard others talk about how they felt the Savior's arms wrap around them and bring them peace. I prayed for that, I wanted...needed that. Nothing. For those thirty minutes, I felt completely alone. I had "those" thoughts...

 

I was so mad at myself for allowing those feelings to show themselves. I was so sure I'd had it under control. I can't remember the last time I felt that weak about my emotions. I wanted to throw things at the walls. Cry, scream...literally anything to get rid of the anger and frustration that I felt for being so weak as to let the past come back to haunt me again. No matter how many times I tell myself that I'm over it and that I've moved on, I always seem to fail the final test.

 

So many mistakes were made... I wish I could go back and fix them all, but I know that I can't. There's a reason why the walls were built. I feel better now, but I hate feeling weak and open to the emotions I've tried so hard to repress.

 

Thanks, Eve.

Today, I'd rather be emotionless.

I can't believe that I'm actually jealous of a teenager because I think she looks so much prettier than me. Actually, many of my female friends are prettier than me. Why do I feel so ugly compared to other girls? Why do I feel the need to please everyone but myself? Stupid period... I hate being super sensitive to even the simplest of things. I'm in the mood to throw things...

I should probably stop drinking...

I don't drink that much or often, but I'm realizing that when I do I feel more depressed and lonely and then I start thinking about old memories that I wish I could just erase which makes me feel even more lonely and depressed and then all I want to do is go home and sleep everything away. I'm not too sure I want to be so in touch with my emotions and feelings...

Why am I still here?

So! Guess what I'm doing! Blogging from my PHONE!!! Yep, just downloaded the app. I figured since whenever I do get the idea to blog about something I'm never near my computer, and I don't really have people who read the other blog I have, I just got this one as well!

Anyway, the point of this post is to talk about why I'm still here in Utah. I have no clue. I know why I came out here (silly me), and now I feel like I'm just stuck out here for no reason at all. But that's just how the military is, you get stationed somewhere stateside, and you're stuck there for who knows how long. I can't help but wonder though, if there's a reason why I'm still in this state. Is it really just the military, or does God have something else in store for me? I'm sure most (if not all) of you have realized that I'm quite the inactive Mormon girl... Haven't been to church in months, I drink (occasionally, and only after I came back from leave without my daughter), haven't ready scriptures consistently... I just haven't been very active in the church lately. Going to church every Sunday and going to activities with a singles ward is depressing. Going to a family ward is depressing. At least for me, seeing as I'm a single parent, it was. I don't fit anywhere. So I stopped going. A certain someone got married, and I questioned why I even became a member. I decided to go back to the basics of what my parents have taught me, but I've yet to find a church that I feel comfortable going to every week. Now, I can't help but wonder why that is. Part of me is like, "well DUH, God is telling you to go back to being LDS again." Another part of me isn't so sure. I don't know why I'm still here in Utah... Am I supposed to meet someone? Go back to being LDS? I don't know. I really wish I was better at listening and... Recognizing when God tells me something or answers a prayer or whatever, because I honestly have. I idea what I'm supposed to be doing right now. What I wouldn't give for some neon signs pointing me in the right direction...

I know, I know, I fail at blogging

I'm sorry guys... Every time I think about blogging and updating you on what's going on in my life, something always came up to keep me from doing so. However, now that I've turned in my final (that I'm sure I bombed, because I kinda gave up on the essays...), I have the time to do so! Now, on to the update!

Not entirely sure what to start with... I don't have Arianna at the moment. I'm supposed to deploy in about a month and a half, so she and I went home to Virginia to visit my parents, and she stayed there :/ She's doing really well, about to start "school" in about a week. I talked to my parents the other day, and it was great to see her on Facetime (for you Iphone and Ipad users, you know what I'm talking about). My mom taught her how to count to 20, which I got to hear when I called. I will admit that I cried for a few seconds, because I couldn't believe that she could speak that clearly at times! Most of the time, I can understand maybe a few words; the rest is gibberish lol. She's getting better though, and that's good :) As for my life without her being here... It's weird. There is so much...empty time that I have now that I'm not constantly dealing with the needs of a two year old. I don't really know what to do with myself. Even though I know that I have things to do (like cleaning, homework, laundry), I sit on my couch and watch TV instead. I don't know why. Sometimes I have a strange burst of "HEY LET'S GET STUFF DONE!" energy, and then I'm a cleaning and laundry fiend. Why can't I be like that all the time? Heck, why can't I just be motivated, period? Take working out and eating healthy for example. I do an okay job for about a week, being consistent with working out everyday and doing my best to eat right. The problem starts after that. Work, being tired all the time, homework... It all just made me even more tired and that's when I would start to slip off the path. First it would be one week, then two... and I would never get back on the path again. It was so much easier to not even care and do whatever. Which is why I weigh 197 lbs right now... ANYWAY back to the original topic. Back to being a single parent, but now just technically, single. It's weird. Quiet. As I stated before, I don't really know what to do with myself. Although, if any of you are friends with me on Facebook (and I know at least one of you are), you've seen pictures of some of my cooking adventures. I really like cooking, and I guess now that I don't have to worry about a toddler running into the kitchen and possibly getting hurt, it's not as stressful. I know that whenever I get a house, I want a big open kitchen with lots of cabinet space for the extra cookware I'll have ( hey, a girl can dream, right?).

Moving on! Like I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I'm taking online classes (again)! This time it's at Devry University, and I even have a major this time! Human Resources Management. After this first class though (Introduction to Business and Technology), I'm wondering if I should change my major back to English... It's just a thought though, and for now I'm just going to keep taking classes for this major. But, I have a MAJOR problem. Like my exercising and eating healthy dilemma, I just can't seem to stay motivated enough to do my homework effeciently past week 1! I just get so bored doing the assignments, and the fact that it's an online class really just leads me to goof off on the Internet instead of doing my homework. This leads to me just about failing a class. I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail this one, because I just gave up on the final exam essays... Once again, I got bored, and just, quit. I HATE that I'm such a quitter! Why is it so hard for me to put forth effort into the important things? Why am I just plain...LAZY (yeah...I'll admit it... -.-)??? I swear, I need friends to keep me accountable with homework and working out and eating healthy (I know it sounds really childish, but maybe it will help me?)... Since keeping a detailed schedule does nothing but stress me out when I end up running behind schedule (usually because of work *sigh*)... I've run out of ideas. Not to mention I've been completely scatterbrained lately, to include forgetting important things, and not so important things (to include conversations that happened 30 seconds prior to my forgetting). I don't know what's going on with me... But now I pretty much have to write down everything that I need to remember. I even have a post-it note app that puts those notes on my "locked" screen so I won't forget anything. ONCE AGAIN, BACK TO THE ORIGINAL TOPIC! See what I mean by scatterbrained *raised eyebrow*. This next semester, I'm taking TWO classes. Yep, two. A math class (Basic Algebra) and a Business computer class. Yikes. We'll see how this goes, since I suck horribly at math, and I'm taking both of these classes online, while we have an inspection AND a deployment coming up. I CANNOT fail these classes. I can't even tell you how many times I've taken this level of math. Pretty much every year since high school, and that was what? Five or six years ago? I feel stupid admitting that, but it's true. It's just that hard for me to get the stuff. So I know that I'll have to work EXTRA SUPER hard at passing this class. Now if only I could manage my time better... Does anyone have any ideas? Is there a planner app that has alarms maybe?

What else... oh! I had a boyfriend. For about a day and a half. Lesson learned: DO NOT DATE 20 YEAR OLDS IF YOU'RE 24!!! Maybe it was just my experience with this one boy, but now I'm completely turned off of dating anyone under the age of 23. I mean, I get that your parents are the super strict Mormon parents and all, but you're 20 freaking years old! You should NOT be afraid to tell your parents that you have a girlfriend! Ugh I'm glad I told him that I didn't want to be a secret (been there, done that, NEVER AGAIN!), otherwise who knows how long that relationship would've gone on O.o Oh well... Back to square one I suppose...

Thanks to this four day weekend, I'm using this time to take down my braids! I've only had them in for a month, but they're looking pretty messy, and it's time for my hair to be free! Hopefully it won't take forever and a day; thankfully, I have the Twilight Series and the Pirates of the Carribbean movies that can keep me amused while I sit through hours of tortuous unbraiding. Does anyone want to come help me? Pretty pretty please *Puss in Boots eyes*

I think that's it! My life is pretty boring and uneventful... Sorry guys. Does any of my readers even read this thing? Oh well, I've gotten pretty good at talking to myself anyway lol.

Til next time!

Hairscapades!

It's hard to believe that my hair went from this

My accidental big chop back in 2010

To this

July 2012

It's definitely been an interesting two years in regards to my hair... I'm looking forward to many more years to come! I'm thinking I might loc it up soon (once I'm out of the military, of course!) though, to do something really different with it. 



Sorry!!!

I realize that I fail at updating this thing on a somewhat regular basis... So to make up for it I'll upload pictures that I've finally been able to upload from my phone! These will mostly contain pictures of Arianna, because I have NO recent pictures of her on my blog, and she's hardly ever mentioned. So hopefully the pictures will make up for it, and I will try to be a better blogger.

I really need to start taking pictures with my digital camera...

Today (well, yesterday) I ventured into the world of healthy eating! For the past while I've been looking up (and drooling over) healthy recipes, and there were a few that I really wanted to try. Well yesterday I picked up the ingredients for two new healthy recipes that I've been wanting to try. One was refrigerated oats, and the other was a smoothie from my Nike training app. The oatmeal recipe I'm sure is on my pintrest somewhere, most likely on my "Foods to try" board or something like that. Anyway, it was DELICIOUS! I can't wait to make more of it. The green smoothie I made, on the other hand... I couldn't make myself finish that thing. I think it was the cucumber, because that was ALL I COULD TASTE. Now, I like cucumber with ranch, and I thought it was weird to have that in a smoothie, but I wanted to try it and now I wished I had kept it out lol. It was just gross, never again. I'll find some better tasting green smoothies somewhere (actually, I just downloaded a green smoothies app today... It's got different green recipes on there!).

Today I also peeled, chopped, and froze carrots for the first time ever. It took a few tries to get the peeling down right, but near the end of the bag those carrots were looking good :) I'm excited to use those in a new recipe that I will probably cook tomorrow. Ugh, tomorrow... I have cooking, cleaning, and laundry (does that count as cleaning) to do tomorrow. I swear sometimes there aren't enough hours in the day. Even if there were though, would I use those hours to actually be productive? Probably not...oh well. I'll just make do with what I'm attempting to do now.

I think that's all I wanted to blog about...Sorry it's so short, but I was originally just going to write about peeling carrots, which would've made this much shorter than it turned out to be.

Grateful

Ever since Women's Bible study on Wednesday night (aka last night lol), I've been feeling like I need to really let go of the past, stop letting myself get in my way, and really, truly, turn to God. Something about watching the video for next week really opened my heart to what I feel God was trying to tell me and show me. I know that it was Him, because even after I got home, I kept getting that feeling of "Hey, go write these down on your mirror so everyday you see the positive affirmations I want you to know." So, now they're on my mirror. I'm playing catch up on the bible study we're doing, because I got lazy and didn't go last week so now I'm doing two (three?) weeks worth of bible study readings before next Wednesday. Anyway, I was doing my bible reading, and before I started I prayed. It was a long prayer, but I was able to get what I was feeling out to God. All of my concerns, my genuine requests that I felt prompted to ask Him for without feeling guily... I felt so different doing those bible readings. I could comprehend things I probably wouldn't have understood before. I felt God speaking to me throughout the reading, and now I think I know what He wants me to do with my life. I'm still praying on it, but at the same time I'm stepping out on faith and taking those steps to accomplish what I feel He's placed on my heart. I'm actually excited about it, too :) I'm looking forward to finishing some more of readings tonight, and hopefully I'll be all caught up by next Wednesday.

But I digress. I'm just feeling so grateful today. It was a good day, and I honestly believe it's because I prayed this morning and throughout the day. When I woke up, my first thought was "This is the day that the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it." I don't usually think thoughts like that. Usually I'm hating that I have to get up and go to work, but today and last night it was different. I think it was because of what I prayed for last night. I'm not sure if I should keep praying for those same things, because I know that God doesn't like repetitive prayers, but I feel like if I don't keep asking, it won't happen. Hm. I'll have to ask Him about that one, and do some reading on that. But anyway, I'm just grateful that today was a good day. I  was patient and kept my cool whenever Arianna wouldn't listen to me, I just stuck to my usual warning tactics to let her know that I meant business (and I think I'm getting pretty good at it too, she's not waiting until I get to 2 most of the time before she does what I asked her to do in the first place). I didn't feel bad when I had to put her in timeout today, and the times I was happy, I was genuinely happy. I didn't have to force it. At work, I wasn't overly sarcastic, I was in a fairly good mood.


Something that I'm REALLY grateful for though, is that He was with me when I went grocery shopping, and I didn't venture too far off of my shopping list (which is a bad habit that I have... I'm an impulsive shopper sometimes). I was able to get everything on my list minus the oranges, because I forgot, and still stay under budget thanks to rewards coupons and having a rewards card. I am trying REALLY hard to be better about how I spend money, because I'm pretty skilled at blowing it all very quickly on things that I don't remember spending money on. So I was VERY happy that I was able to have money left over from grocery shopping. And even though I couldn't get cash because the ATM was broken (thank you, bank employees for letting me sit there for a good 10 minutes wondering why I wasn't given an option to take out cash -_-), thinking back on it, I believe that God planned it that way so that I could have that opportunity to really test myself to see if I could stay within my grocery budget, knowing that I could go over it and still be covered by what was in my bank account. I trusted Him to guide me through every item choice that I made, and in the end, His guidance left more money in my bank account for other things. How do I know that it was God, and not me? I went to the Vegetarian food aisle to see if they had a brand of meatless product that one of the Youtubers that I follow eats (I'm trying to eat cleaner, and she had high reviews for this brand), and lo and behold, they did (along with some other things that I will need for a recipe that I want to try next pay period). Now, if it hadn't been for God, I would've gotten almost every product under that brand name (sad, but true). But God reminded me of my budget, and I stuck to the items that were on sale.

Not only did I save money on my grocery shopping for the next two weeks, the food that I bought has a purpose! Usually I just go through the circular and build my list from what's on sale, but I got a premium lifetime membership to a  weekly meal planning service online for free, and picked two recipes that I wanted to try. The site built my grocery list off of what was needed for those recipes, and I was able to take out the ingredients that I already had (I had completely forgotten that I had tilapia in my freezer, and that's the main ingredient in one of the recipes I'm trying!), and that's what I stuck to. I added a few things to that list though, but still I stuck to that list. Because I was under budget, I was able to get the things I needed for a third recipe that I wanted to try, but wasn't sure if my budget would allow it. But now I can, and I'm really excited to start making these this weekend (one of the recipes is a crockpot one!)!

Basically, this post is a complete 180 of what my last post was... It's amazing what going to bible study can do. And to think, I almost didn't go this week either. But I'm glad I did :)

Motivation, Life, Truth

I can't guarantee that I'll write this post in the order of the title, I just like the way that title looks and sounds in my head. This past weekend I decided to start writing in my journal again, and while I'm doing that I realize that there will be times when writing just won't be enough and I'll need to type out what's going on in my head because honestly, I can type faster than I write and my typing keeps up with my thoughts. With all of that being said, let's get this party started, shall we?

It's time I stopped trying to lie to myself. I'm not happy with my life. I feel stuck. In my job, in this state, as a person. I enrolled in school, because I figured that would help me realize what I want to do with my life. It also doesn't hurt to have a bachelor's degree in something that will actually be worth something whenever I decide to get out of the Air Force. Thinking about it though, I have to wonder- why do I keep going through the motions? I mean, yes. I want to go to school. Yes, I'd like to get a degree in Human Resources Management. Not sure why yet, but it seems interesting. I'd like to get into Psychology, but I don't want to be a therapist when I have my own problems to deal with. Although I do have an interest in learning how people's minds work. Moving on. I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't really know what I like or don't like. I know that I like reading, but I don't really have time for it much anymore. It's hard to read when there's a toddler you have to take care of all the time. But seriously, who the hell am I? I thought I knew. Clearly that's not the case, or else I wouldn't feel this way. There's just so much that I have to be aware of. Arianna, work, school, money, my family... So much to keep track of and try to take care of and do a good job at... At the end of the day I just don't care about anything anymore, and I don't want to do anything but sleep. It seems like that's the only time I can actually get away from everything. Unless I end up dreaming about it. Or I get woken up by Arianna who can't seem to sleep unless she's right under me sharing my pillow, or using me as one. By the time I get back to sleep, my stupid alarm goes off. My life is the same stupid routine: wake up, get ready for work, get Arianna ready for day care, drop her off at day care and go to work, work all day, go pick up Arianna, go home and attempt to do chores, play with Arianna, maybe fix dinner, get both of us ready for bed, and then sleep. The next day, repeat the day before. It gets so repetitive and frustrating and boring... How do I make my life fun and interesting again? I'm tired of just going through the motions and doing things because I think that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm tired of pretending that my life is okay and that I have everything together, because I don't. And now I'm irritated. Ugh. I hate when these stupid moods get triggered by the littlest things (like certain a certain child that won't go to sleep and keeps whining when her blanket isn't on her because she won't lie still).

I don't even want to write anymore, but I suppose I might as well keep going. Not sure how this is going to sound now, because I'm irriated. Anyway. I guess that was life and truth mixed into one paragraph, so now I get to talk about motivation (or lack thereof). See, this week I want to start getting into shape (how many times have I said that in the past? I'm pathetic, I know) and eating healthier so I can lose some of this stupid baby weight and tone up. Only I have no motivation. Nor do I know where to get it. Or how to stay motivated. I'm frustrated by this, because I know that for a week or two, I'll do great. And then the third week will hit, and I'll get lazy and not want to do a darn thing. Tie all of this into the already crappy life I'm living, and that leaves ZERO motivation to want to do something productive. Why can't I figure this out?! How to be a single mom who's got her life together, while having no family support anywhere near her? Yes, I feel like my life freaking sucks right now. Or at least it has been for the past who knows how long. I can never stay motivated about anything for long, and once that motivation is gone, I don't know how to get it back to I'm back to hating my life because I'm a freaking quitter. Man I hate being in this irritated, frustrated mood because now this is turning into some kind of pity post or something. I don't know. I'm done writing this stupid thing. I'm pretty much saying the same thing over and over again, just using different words and it's a stupid idea. Why do I even bother doing stuff like this if it only makes me feel angry at myself for letting my life turn into this giant mess? Maybe journaling was a bad idea. I think I like pretending that I have no problems is a much better way to live. Time to put the mask back on, and lock up my feelings. I don't want to have to deal with any of that crap anymore.

Taking a bit of a break

This weekend, I'm in the process of taking down my yarn braids. Thank goodness we have  UTE (down) day on Monday, so I can really finish up my hair! I think what's taking so long, is that after I take out the yarn braids I twist my hair. I'm hoping to keep them in twists until Tuesday, and then I'll take them down before work.

Being a single parent is not easy. It's probably sad that I enjoy going to work, simply because I get a break from taking care of Arianna. I'll admit that there have been quite a few times where I've come REALLY close to straight losing my mind/patience/temper, but thank goodness I haven't acted on any of it. I'm realizing that while it's important to take care of Arianna, it's equally as important to take care of myself. I've had my depressing moments, and moments where I want to just punch a hole in the wall...neither of those are good things to experience. There's a book I'm reading, the title of which I can't remember and won't go check because Arianna is asleep, but it's about dealing with emotional trash/baggage, and how it will help develop healthier relationships. I think it will help me, especially with how I deal with my emotions (which basically is nothing) so I can stop holding myself back. Which is why I'm taking a "me" day on Monday. Arianna is going to daycare, and I'm taking a day to take care of me. I have a feeling it will involve a ton of sleep lol.

Anyway, I have a few guilty pleasure shows. Well, one really. Say Yes to the Dress, and Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta. I know I'm nowhere near getting married, but I just love watching people go wedding dress shopping. It gives me ideas of what I would want in a wedding dress. So, Friday night, at the start of my unbraiding marathon, I was watching Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta and Four Brides, and I took a break to go to davidsbridal.com and dollycouture.com to look at wedding dresses. Now- I have a general idea of what I want in a wedding dress. I'm leaning more towards tea length dresses, mainly because my legs are one of my physical features that I actually like, but also because I DO NOT want to worry about me or anyone else tripping over my dress (I had enough of that at Senior Prom, and it was really annoying), and I'd be concerned all night about the hem of my dress getting dirty. So. Like I said, I was looking at dresses, and I just wanted to post a few pictures of what I like :)

I know I said I don't want a floor length dress, but this one right here, would be an exception. This dress is goregeous!

These along with the ones from dollycouture.com are some of my favorites. I also know that I want a birdcage veil :) So yes, I have some ideas of what I want when I get married, even though I'm still single. Heck, a girl's allowed to dream, right?

Remember when I blogged about this?

I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I actually did this for 30 days. I don't even think I made it a week. Sad, I know smh. Anyway, given how my last PT test went (I almost failed because my waist was right at the minimum), and noticing that I'm starting to get a rather large muffin top around my midsection, I need to kick my butt back into gear. She (being Jilian Michaels) has a new thing out too, that I can't think of the name. It's like the Insanity workout program though. I want to get that. But first, I need to tackle this. A few curlies on the Curly Nikki forums that I frequent pretty darn often are doing the 30 day shred too, so we're going to kinda be partners on this, as far as just checking up on each other and seeing how we're doing. I REALLY need to stick with this. And eating healthier. I definitely need to eat better than I have been.

I really just need to get my life in order. Stop holding myself back. Work on actually getting my CCAF, and then deciding on what I want to get my Bachelor's in. Getting closer to God, and deepening my relationship with Him. 2012 is going to be my year. Well, mine and Arianna's :)

I have a blog on the side!

Probably not something I should be excited about (lol), but I must admit that if you've been reading my recent posts, you've gotten the nicer version of my thoughts. Only because the Android app for this phone apparently sucks, and I don't want to waste my time with that. However, there IS an app for Wordpress, which I do have a blog on. So I've been using that one to really vent on, mainly because it was just easier to post from my phone instead of getting to my computer. It's very handy when it's the middle of the night and you're in bed and can't sleep because something is bothering you and you REALLY want to just vent and let it out...Anyway, I just wanted to post a link to that blog, just in case any of you were somewhat curious about what my vent sessions are like. I'm going to try and see if I can link the two, so that way when I post on there it can post here? I don't even know if that's possible. Anyway, here's the link to my other blog: http://searchingforthetrueme.wordpress.com/. I don't know why it did that.

A little bit of an update (and what REALLY prompted me to do this post)... Sam and Brianna are getting married today. Or this weekend. And you know what? I feel nothing. I don't feel hurt, or depressed, or sad. I don't feel a darn thing. I mean, yes, I'm happy for them, I'm happy for all of my friends who are married or are getting married, or are in relationships, but I'm not feeling like "man, I'm the ONLY single person left in all of my friends... Will I EVER get married??" Actually, that's a lie, I do think that, but it doesn't consume me or my day with depression. I'm just going to go about my day, and do what I do everyday. I can definitely say this is God working in me and on me; I REALLY needed his help to get over this one. Maybe now I can FINALLY and REALLY move on, and do what makes me happy. With God's help, of course :)

I hope everyone has a great day!

Oh-nah, I'll post it on my other blog, and then add it on here. I need to get ready for work!

*Untitled*

First, I'd like to say that this week's Glee episode was AMAZING! I was SO happy to see the actual winner of the first Glee Project Samuel on there. I caught the last few minutes of it on Tuesday, and when I saw him at the end, I literally threw my hat and started dancing around the living room. Arianna found it amusing haha. Anyway, I'm just happy I was able to find the site I watch missed tv episodes on again. I tried looking for it before, and I couldn't find it. Doesn't matter now though, because I have found it and will be catching up on my shows!

So it's been over a month since Arianna and I have been in Utah, and it's definitely been an interesting journey to say the least. I mean, it's definitely not easy being a single parent, but she and I are both adjusting to the situation. Unfortunately, with Utah winters come colds. Or in Arianna's case, the viral version of pneumonia : / She seems to be doing better though, so hopefully it goes away soon! She's actually sitting here watching Yo Gabba Gabba (Elijah Wood is in this one, and he looks really creepy doing his dancey dance, "The Puppet Master" O.o).

I don't know why my blog posts are always condensed versions of what I'm thinking. Maybe it's because I've found other outlets (like praying) for some of my other more serious thoughts?

Hm. I want to write about David, but I don't want to get too crazy. I'll just leave it at... I'm excited for summer to get here :)

Now, I'm exhausted. Between working 12s this week and taking care of a sick baby, I'm really lacking in the sleep department lol.

Til next time (whenever that may be)!

Things Parenting has taught me so far:

- If you're busy in another room and you don't hear or see your child, she is most likely getting into something she shouldn't.
- Someone should REALLY invent a toddler proof toilet paper holder.
- Handing your child a water toy filled with water is not a good idea. Especially when you do it twice.

I'm sure that list will continue, but those are some that have come to me in this...week that I've been completely on my own as a parent.

SO! I'm ending my first week as a single parent ALL ON MY OWN, no grandparents to give me a break from Arianna, nothing. It has been...Easier than I thought it would be (and what I experienced back home in VA)/c

Time for a new blog?

(singing)It's one o'clock in the morning, folding laundry got boring, so I opened up my laptop, and...started surfing could not stop...

Okay I'm done. I was thinking of a clever way to open this post, and T-Pain's song "5 o'clock" or whatever it's called featuring Lily Allen came to mind, so I thought I would come up with my own lyrics to their chorus! Well, it was funny to me :P Anyway, I'm sacrificing sleep (and valuable packing time) to update my blog with one final post before Arianna and I fly back to Utah.

Honestly, I'm more nervous about the flights than me taking care of her all by myself out in Utah. I think it's because of the takeoffs and landings...I know her ears will be popping, but I've got some remedies for that (hopefully they will work)! One interesting thing that I've learned-well, two interesting things- while being here is 1) I'm a sympathy crier. Like, my mom started crying once and I felt my eyes tear up, and then another time we took Arianna to the doctor because she got a carpet burn right by her eye after she and I fell down the stairs, anyway she was crying so bad and just not wanting to be there AT ALL and then I felt the tears falling because she was crying. It's weird how before I had her, I hated crying, and now I can't help but tear up during the sad/sappy parts in movies or when other people are crying. 2) I have the hardest time disciplining this child without smiling! Like, I try to tell her no about something, and I feel myself cracking a smile. Or if she's throwing one of her 30 second fits, I'm seriously fighting the urge to laugh. What's with that? I feel so bad for it, but I just can't help it. Maybe with practice, I'll get better at keeping a straight face.

So. Regarding the title of this post. I'm toying with the idea of either revamping this blog to match up with this new chapter in my life, or just starting a whole new blog all together. I mean, new blog for a new chapter, right? Or maybe I should just redo this one? My time will be limited, so maybe I should just revamp and update this blog and see how things turn out. Hmm...

Oh! So I finally got my hands on my keepsake box, and went through it to actually finish my "Sam cleanse" that I started out in Utah. Dude. Over half of that box was stuff that dealt with Sam in some way, mostly notes. After getting all of that stuff out, I found myself wishing that I could get those two and a half years of my life back. There is no way half of my box of keepsakes should consist of things from him while being in high school, right? But it's all thrown away now ( I wished I had been able to burn it, that's way more permanent), so hopefully he won't be on my mind so much anymore. Shoot, I'll be so preoccupied with Arianna that he won't cross my mind at all (hopefully)!

Well, I think that's all I wanted to update. I should probably fold this last load of laundry so I can pack it up and try to get at least an hour or two of sleep. It's going to be a loooong day...


Ciao!!!