Done.

 I'm done. Done trying, done caring. I'm advised to get out there and try to meet new friends and do things with other people. Well I tried. I've sent texts to people and tried to be friendly with people in my ward and at work. But what am I supposed to do when people don't respond to my texts, or mention parties that I didn't know about, and when I ask for details they don't respond? Really? When I ask what's going on or what is there to do on the weekends, I'm not asking because I want to hang out by myself. It's because I want to hang out with YOU. duh.  What's the point of trying to put myself out there if no one wants to hang out with me? What, is there something wrong with me? I'm just done trying to be friends with people who don't seem to be interested in hanging out with me at all. Maybe I'm meant to spend every weekend in my apartment, alone.

Untitled

So the actual file has a name, but I don't really like it, so for now this is Untitled. For those who were wondering, this is just something that came to me while I was at work; it's not based on anyone or anything. I'm pretty excited that I actually was able to remember this, and couldn't wait to put it up! I am by no means a perfect writer, but it's something I enjoy doing, and it's even better when you don't have to force the creative juices to flow! So anyway, now that I'm done rambling, here's my creative tidbit :) BTW- yes, I meant to end it the way that I did :D

She awoke to the pink and orange rays of the sun beginning its slow ascent over the ocean line coming through the curtains that lead to the balcony. Smiling, she sighs and looks up at the man lying next to her, his arm wrapped around her shoulders. She observes the peaceful look on his face, listens to his steady breathing, placing her hand on his chest as she watches it rise and fall with each tranquil breath. As quietly as possible, she pulls back the covers and climbs out of their queen-size bed. Pulling her red silk robe off of the back of a chair, she puts it on and opens the sliding glass door and steps out into the bright light that awaits her. Despite her fear of heights, deep bodies of water, and being near the edge of anything, she steps up to the railing; her eyes close while she softly inhales the scent of the ocean, enjoying the cool breeze and listening to the sound of the ocean’s waves crashing gently against the massive ship. Behind closed lids, the events of the past two days float across her mind- walking out of the temple hand in hand with her eternal companion, her love, her best friend; the masquerade themed reception that went off with very few problems… She sighs in newly-wedded bliss and leans forward toward the sun, basking in the early morning light. The breeze blows against her robe, causing it to ripple across her arms and legs, but she does not notice. Caught up in her own thoughts and her surroundings, she also does not notice that she’s no longer alone on the balcony as two strong arms make their way around her waist and pull her close in a loving embrace.

Although she was startled at first, he immediately reassures her by softly pressing his lips to the back of her neck- something that only he would do. Looking out over the ocean at the rising sun, he rests his head on her shoulder and, breathing in her scent, whispers ever so softly…

“Good morning, Mrs. . .”

 

BALLIN'!!!

Today in Gospel Principles we talked about discovering our talents. There are a few things I'm good at, like singing, writing, playing basketball...I'm sure that list goes on. Anyway, we also talked about how we shouldn't hide our talents, and instead to improve in our talents and use them to help others and to help ourselves enjoy the lives we've been given.

Now- I'm still working on developing my writing talents. I don't know if I'll get back into writing stories again, but I do plan on writing poetry again. I kinda miss it. Maybe I'll write the occasional short story or something like it if it will help get what I'm feeling out of my system. We'll see. But writing is definitely a work in progress for me.

Tomorrow (or later on this morning) I'm going to the gym and getting back on the basketball court. It's been too long since I've played, and I miss playing the sport. I bought new basketball shoes Saturday (finally, after talking about getting a new pair for a long time), so tomorrow I will be breaking those suckers in shooting some hoops and just enjoying being on the court. I also have to work on being able to dunk a basketball. That is how I will help our G.P. teacher. By doing a slam dunk ha ha. We'll see how that goes.

All right...I suppose I should get back to writing this paper. Figures, whenever I have a paper to write I also have something to blog about. It's happened for the past few papers. I'm not really going to complain, because then it helps clear my head to actually write said paper. So hooray for that I guess lol.

Go figure...

I make sure that I actually make it in time for Stake Conference today, and not only is it in a different place (the Ogden Tabernacle), it's also at 3pm. Are.You.Serious. *sigh* So now I'm awake, I was going to take a nap but changed my mind. I think I'm just going to go to the Single's Ward today...

Wow. It's been awhile since I've updated my blog. Let's see... what's happened lately...I unplugged my cable box and will be getting rid of my cable because it takes up entirely too much of my time and I found out that "hiding" the remote does not deter me from watching T.V. when I get home from work, or any other time that I'm awake. T.V. has been keeping me from going to the gym or working out, staying on top of cleaning, and getting my homework done effectively so...I'm getting rid of it. It was going to happen eventually anyway, what with the upcoming deployment. Being a little early never hurt anyone.

Yesterday, I went to Pineview Reservoir for a birthday party of a girl in the Single's Ward. That drive took FOREVER. I had never been there before, and the whole time I was driving I thought I had gotten lost (even though I followed the directions), because I've never been there before. It's really nice up there, the scenery is beautiful, along with the lake. For some reason I didn't think of a lake when I heard we were going to the Reservoir, so I didn't bring a swimsuit or anything. It was nice to just walk in the water though. I also made a new friend or two there, both the birthday girl and her friend that came with. Not a lot of people came, but it was fun nonetheless :) I think I'll have to go back up there one day. Not by myself, of course.

I got up the nerve to get the number of one of the guys in the Single's Ward and texted him last night. Nothing too major, just a small conversation. I dunno if it will go anywhere, but I'm fine with just meeting new people and having friends to talk to.

You might remember (the few who actually read my blog) a few posts ago that I talked about growing out my relaxed hair and cutting it off once my natural hair was long enough. I didn't cut my hair, but it's now in braids 1) to help the hair grow without me having to comb it every day, and 2) I'm about to deploy and don't want to deal with that craziness LOL. Before I got it braided though, I tried a few things that's been mentioned on a few of the natural hair care sites I've found:

here I believe I just wet my hair and put my hair product in while it was still wet, and let it air dry. Oh man, My hair was SUPER short when it all dried, because once the water was gone, it shrunk haha. It was still cute though.

lets see...here I tried flat twisting my hair (should've used bobby pins like the directions said LOL), and then taught myself how to put a scarf on and keep it on my head.

My first attempt at trying some type of mohawk dealie... Lots of bobby pins and my yellow flower hair clip. It turned out way better than I thought it would for a first try :)

Okay. For an exercise I decided to do my own two strand twist so I wouldn't have to deal with forcing a ponytail every time I had to put my gas mask on  (right). The one of the left is when I finally took them all out. 

And this is what I look like now! Yay! :)

Other than that, there isn't much going on in my life...Arianna is doing wonderfully well with my parents. She's sitting up on her own and eating baby food, hanging up on people when they try to t talk to her (which she did to me the last time I called home haha), babbling away...People are always like "oh, it must be SO hard being away from your daughter"...At first I was just like "yeah, it is", but it's been said so much that it's gotten quite frustrating. I really don't need you stating the obvious every time you see me. Yes. It's hard being away from Arianna and not being able to see her grow and progress and learn new things every day. I feel bad about it all the time. That being said, it's for the best that she's with my parents right now. Please stop trying to guilt trip me into bringing her back sooner than it was meant to be (and yes, that's aimed at a certain person at work). 

All right...I think I've caught you all up on what's going on in my life, so...til next time! :)

Letter to Myself

Dear Self,

STOP BEING SUCH A WIMP. GEEZE! You can't hide behind your blog and the wall you've put up for the rest of your life, at some point you'll have to actually open up and talk to the people that you care about. Life's about taking risks, and even if you THINK you know what the other person is going to say, it doesn't mean that they're actually going to say it, no matter how long you've known them. You'll never know what could happen unless you talk, otherwise you'll just live a life full of regret and "what ifs". Seriously. It's frustrating. JUST DO IT ALREADY!

Love,
Shenise :)

I think I see a trend forming...

I'm noticing that whenever I have a paper to write, I also have some serious subject on my mind that makes it difficult to really focus on my paper. The subject this time? Love. I've noticed a lot of the blogs that I follow (and they're a lot- I know, I'm a creeper haha) have talked about love, and now I've got it on the brain. Which is now preventing me from working on my paper.

So...I'm sure we've all had conversations with a guy (be it significant others or just a guy that we have a crush on), and you just get that feeling that you know that you love him, and you know you want to tell them that you love them, but you're nervous to because you either a) don't know how they'll react to what you have to say, or b) you know exactly what they're going to say, and you don't want to hear them say it. Yeah. That's pretty much what's going in my head right now. It's something that's been in the back of my head. I mean, if you look at the blog posts from awhile back, it's pretty obvious, right? I don't know why I'm so nervous about it now. Urgh I hate when serious subjects prevent me from focusing on school work. I hate when I know what I want to say, but...I guess knowing what will be said would feel like rejection to me...I don't know.

I don't like not knowing. *sigh*

Yet again, another testimony of D&C 9:8-9

So after reading the texts from my mom, and really thinking about what she was saying, and looking at my situation, I realize that the thought of adoption only really comes to mind when I feel guilty about not being able to take care of her myself. I feel like I'm placing my mom responsibilities to my parents because I'm not ready to take care of her on my own yet. But I feel like I should be ready. I thought I would be ready when I got back from the deployment that we're about to go on, but I don't think that I will be. I think that breakdown was Heavenly Father's way of telling me that I'm not ready to raise her on my own just yet.

sheesh

I keep forgetting that this is my blog and that it's perfectly okay for me to say whatever I want because it's my blog, and if people don't like it, they don't have to read it. Now that I've reminded myself of this fact for what feels like the one hundredth time, I'm going to further explain my last post, because it was kinda vague.

So last night I was writing in my journal about a guy that I'm interested in and how excited I am to be moving into a smaller apartment. I finished writing and was just lying there staring at the cover of my journal when I thought what if Arianna and Alex DO get tested and it turns out he really IS her father? what if he takes me to court for full custody of her?? what if he won??? Which then lead to me thinking did I do the right thing in not giving her up for adoption? am I really ready to bring her back with me after the deployment? I have a hard time taking care of myself, how on earth am I going to take care of myself and a baby? what happens when I need to go TDY? what if I can't get moved to day shift (that was a recent thought. like, just now)? my parents wouldn't be happy if i mentioned giving her up for adoption...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!! Yeah, I freak out pretty easily. This lead to a mental breakdown because I felt like I had made a HUGE mistake in not giving her up for adoption because I felt like I'll never be able to give her everything that she deserves no matter how hard I try. I prayed about it, and cried some more...It's so hard having the patience to wait for an answer. I remember when I first got here and I was considering adoption, and I had even gone to a few appointments with the LDS Family Services lady and looked at a few of the families on their website, and I remember coming across a white family with three adopted African American daughters. They came to mind last night. They're still in my mind right now as I'm writing this. I don't know if that's my answer to what I'm supposed to do; if it is, this is going to be REALLY hard. Mostly because my family has developed a strong attachment to her, along with friends and girlfriends of the family. I would feel so horrible if I took Arianna from them just to give her up to people they don't know... I don't know. All I can think about is the counsel from the General Authorities about how if the parents of a child aren't married, they should be encouraged to do so, but if they can't then they should be counseled to put the baby up for adoption. Like I said before I would HATE to have to do that, because I'm adopted and I've heard stories as to why I was put up for adoption, and it's part of the reason why I am the way that I am today. I don't know who my birth parents are even though I would love to find that out, and why I ended up in an adoption center. I don't want Arianna wondering why I gave her up, I don't want her to deal with what I had to deal with. I don't want my parents hating me for taking away their first grandchild from them, especially after all this time they've gotten to spend with her and watching her grow...And for her, she'll be almost a year and a half when I get back from the sandbox...I can't even imagine what that would do to her if I turned her over to a family of complete strangers. I don't know what to do. I still want to be a part of her life, but I don't know if I can give her what I know that she deserves. Am I being selfish by keeping her, or am I being selfish by considering adoption? Why can't it ever be easy to make hard decisions?

Doubt

We all experience it at some point in our lives, if not multiple times. We all deal with doubt differently. It seems that when doubt creeps into my head it sends me on this spiraling into a fit of tears and depression. And that's when doubt is in control for about a few hours; where I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, if  I've made a mistake by not doing something I probably should have done months ago, if I'm truly ready to take on a responsibility that I know I should take but probably wouldn't end well because I can barely handle the responsibility of taking care of myself. Maybe I made a rash decision for when I came back...I don't know. Doubt is not a fun thing to deal with, and I'm not very good at dealing with it. I do what I can, though it doesn't seem to be enough. One day I'll get a handle on it.

Weird

That's the only word that I can think of to describe the mood I'm in right now. Weird. I felt weird today at Church (for both the family and single's ward). If I wasn't so committed to going to church every Sunday, I'd stop going just so I wouldn't have to see all the families and couples. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and everything, I'm just a jealous person when it comes to things like that. It also doesn't help when there's a guy that I find attractive and funny, and I don't know how to go about that. I'm not good with talking to guys that I might like. *sigh*

I should probably clarify that last post...

Okay, this is my blog, and the reason why I started a blog is to be able to fully express myself when I'm unable to write my thoughts down on paper because my mind moves faster than my hands. So. To further explain the second paragraph of my last post.

As I'm sure many of you have noticed, I have a tendency to be jealous of those who are in relationships. I don't know why- actually I do know why. When I look at others who have significant others, I feel left out. I know I've talked about it before, but I'm talking about it again; I'm not forcing you to read my blog. Anyway, I like being in a relationship. I like knowing that someone wants me and loves me despite my faults and personality, and now the added fact that I have a daughter. But I'm rambling. I'm supposed to clear up my last post. I noticed that I like to pretend that things are there that aren't. For example. When I was in Basic Training, I pretended that I had a boyfriend because other girls in my flight had boyfriends. When Sam left on his mission, I decided to wait for him. That wasn't me pretending though, I really wanted to wait for him. I guess the part that I was pretending about would be that we had something going on now, instead of the 3 or so years ago when we actually dated. I think it's a habit. Am I that desperate to be in a relationship that I'm willing to lie to myself in my head? Seriously? I'm fairly positive that there's a name for whatever this is, because it CAN'T be normal. All I know, is that I have to stop wanting things to the point where it actually feels real in my mind. I dunno. All I have to say is that I need to work on letting go, and letting God, because it's obvious He has something else planned for me :)

Slip N' Slides and Realizations

Today our Single's Ward had a slip n slide at the park! It was a lot of fun, although I didn't go down it, I DID risk my life TWICE being a part of a five person jump LOL. Basically we laid down at the bottom of the slide next to each other, and Grant slid down the slide and jumped over us (somehow). It was fun, and I'm fine with not going down the slide, I prefer keeping my knees haha.

As far as realizations go, I was looking through some pictures and a thought occured to me: I like to pretend a bit TOO much. I like to act like things are there that really aren't, and I end up trying to force things that aren't really there. Does that make sense? I've noticed that I'll see things that other people have (mostly when it comes to things like boyfriends and whatnot), and then I'll pretend like I'm in a relationship too because I want so badly to fit in with everyone else. I have to stop forcing things that probably won't happen. And maybe it will happen, but with someone else. *sigh* I dunno. That all made sense in my head haha. I tried.

No good very bad day turned really good day

"8But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. 9But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given unto you from me."- D&C 9:8-9.

I can definitely say that I experienced these verses today, and at work of all places. Here's what happened: So I decided to stay in the same apartment complex that I'm in now, but just downgrade into a one bedroom one bathroom apartment that Arianna and I will be living in once I get back from this deployment. The one that I'm in now is nice, but there's no way I'll be able to afford it once I have her here, but I'm not complaining either. Anyway, I have a friend at work who was helping me decide by suggesting places, and when I told him what I planned to do he was just like "well why don't you just put everything in storage and wait until you're about to come home to get an apartment that way you're not paying for an apartment that you're not living in for 6 months." I considered it, and almost immediately I started getting stressed out because I was thinking that if I decided to put my stuff into storage, I wouldn't know when to put it all away since we don't have a definite date for leaving yet, and then on top of that I'd have to figure out somewhere to live before we left and after we got back, which just adds onto the stress of getting ready for/being deployed. So I'm trying to explain to him that I'd feel much more comfortable just getting an apartment before we leave and paying for it while we're gone so I know that I'll have a place to come home to instead of stressing over finding a new place to live. Plus, I would be able to get stuff set up for Arianna as well for when she comes back with me. To which he suggested that putting everything storage will help me save up more money for when Arianna comes to stay with me and that storage is a better idea than moving. It got so frustrating that I asked other people at work for their advice about it. The whole thing was really putting a damper on my day. Not to mention a storm was rolling in and I had to switch toolboxes because the wheels on the first box I had decided to be really dumb and not work the way that they were supposed to...So I had to deal with that and it took FOREVER *sigh* So I'm stressed about this moving issue, I'm not very happy with finance and this travel voucher, and then my box decides to act stupid. It was not a good day. By the way, I saw the unit that I would be moving in to, and it looks just like the one I'm in now minus the extra bathroom and bedroom. I'm pretty excited about it. So anyway, I got this thought in my head that I've made my decision and I like the decision I made, I shouldn't let someone else's suggestion overrule what I already know works for me. I started thinking "You know, I'm comfortable with my decision. I may make mountains out of molehills sometimes, but in this case, I'd rather not stress out while I'm already deployed." I know myself enough to know that I like to be prepared for things, and having a place to live already set up for when I get back before I leave for this deployment is one way that I can prepare. After thinking about it and reminding myself that what works for me may not work for others, I instantly felt calmer, and all the crazy stressful thoughts just vanished. The only thing that was left was a sense of peace about the decision that I made. This verse came to mind, only since I couldn't remember where in D&C that it was, I had to wait til I came home to look it up and then blog about it.

So that's pretty much been my day right there in a nutshell...Now seeing as it's really late/really early in the morning, I'm going to go to bed now. Full day of stuff that needs to be done tomorrow- after an activity with the single's ward, of course :) Hopefully last night's storm hasn't changed any of the plans for it :)

I don't know if I'm frustrated, irritated, or both

So....Called finance today because I STILL haven't gotten paid for the Vegas TDY...And the guy that I talked to today said that it's STILL sitting at Ellsworth, and they won't know when it will go through until the people at Ellsworth do something. And that it takes 2-3 weeks from when Finance approves it for the voucher to get paid back. Which is NOT what I was told a few days ago, and NOT what I was told last week. I was told 1) that it takes a week for it to get paid back (that was last week); and 2) that if I didn't get paid by today to give them a call because I should've gotten paid by today ( that was a few days ago). On top of that, there is talk that Finance messed up some people's travel vouchers, so they didn't get paid the full amount that they were supposed to. I really don't know how they screen people into these Finance jobs, but I think the Air Force needs to do a better job of it because this is getting ridiculous. I made a note of this in a recent Facebook status, but if all of us on the flightline decided to mess up on our jobs or just not even do them, there would be no U.S. Air Force. It would just be U.S. Air (especially if my job decided not to load the weapons that provide said force). I'm sure if the nonners (non-flightline personnel, those who wear Blues on Mondays), went on TDYs and had to wait FOREVER for their travel vouchers to go through, they would understand the frustration of those who DO go on TDYs. I mean, some people need that money for things like grocery shopping, paying bills, making sure their children are taken care of...You know, IMPORTANT THINGS. So now I'm waiting until Wednesday to see if my money shows up. If not, Finance will be dealing with a very unhappy maintainer.

On a happier note, I just heard from the manager of the apartment complex that I'm staying in. I can change apartments and move into a smaller one bedroom one bathroom apartment. I even got to go look at it, and it pretty much looks the same as the two bedroom two bathroom apartment I'm in now, minus the extra bedroom and bathroom. I'm pretty excited, and I hope I can move in in the next few weeks. That's my plan anyway. Gotta figure out this work schedule for this exercise, because it has me SO confused right now.

Boyz II Men and Brandy

So, I'm fairly certain that this song was meant for me. I looked up the words for it, and it's definitely some advice that I need to take! Here's the video:




It also kinda reminds me of a song sung by Brandy, which sort of has the same meaning. It's called Right Here (Departed). Here's the video for that:



I just love the messages of both of these songs...I will have to find Boyz II Men albums on Itunes or something...And KCi and Jo-Jo because I like them too. Basically R&B artists from when I was a kid :) Oh how I miss the 90s...

It's funny how things click at the strangest times

Take today for instance. I was on the line working with some people putting up a pylon and the thought came to me that I need to do things order. I took it to mean, first I needed Arianna back with me, and then things would fall into place. That's just the feeling that I got. Also, I'm looking into moving into a smaller, less expensive apartment...We'll see how that goes.

I'm not gonna lie...

I kinda miss being an MG, even though Sam and I haven't been together since I left for Korea almost three years ago. Still, I was waiting for him as his best friend, and I definitely had those emotions and feelings that a lot of the MGs I know go through, and I kinda miss it. I feel like I can't really relate to them anymore because I'm not waiting for a missionary anymore. I LOVE reading other girls' success stories about when their missionaries come home, but at the same time I hurt and feel sad because I won't have a success story to gush about to other girls, I can't complain about how the mailman is the most undependable person in the world when it comes to letters and packages both to and from our missionaries (Sam never got the one that I sent him for the 4th of July- I am NOT happy about that), and as weird as it sounds, I won't have the crazy ridiculous mood swings that occur three seconds apart. It's funny how before Sam went on his mission I never really knew about MGs, but now that I was a part of them, it was like being in a whole new, awesome world where everyone had the same goal, even if they were at different stages of reaching that goal. MGs are like a sisterhood where we can all just come together and talk about whatever is going on in our lives and not have to worry about people bringing us down for our decisions. *sigh* I dunno I just miss being in a relationship where I'm actually wanted by a guy for more than just sex... I'm trying hard to not worry about it so much, but it's hard sometimes when you're at the single's ward and there are couples scattered around the chapel. It's like I'm being mocked without really being mocked because I'm sitting by myself. Doesn't help when the guys I have an interest in already have girlfriends...*sigh* Just one more thing I need to work on I guess...

Contemplating....

So there are a lot of the MG's who have been together with their missionaries for as long as Sam and I have been together (which was almost 3 years), the only difference is that they're all still together and Sam and I...well...aren't. I dunno. Like, I look at other couples, and going to the family ward on Sundays looking at all the families and married couples...I can't help but wonder- Was being with Sam the only serious relationship I'm going to have? I don't know what I'm doing wrong... I go to the Single's Ward and try to put myself out there, but it doesn't seem to be working! Dating guys in my shop are out of the question because most of them are married or already have a girlfriend, and none of them are single LDS guys. Let alone guys that I want to date, simply because what comes out of their mouth *sigh* Add the fact that I'm a single mom and whammo- not a chance any member will want to date me. I can't really blame anyone but myself for that one though...Still I'm going to complain. Not about the fact that I'm a single mom, but the fact that I'm SINGLE. I don't like being single. I think I'm done now. Perhaps I should go work on my paper...

Prayers, cooking, and paper writing

Today has been a good day! I figured out what to do with my hair (finally), had a prayer answered, AND, I finished the outline to my paper that I will attempt to write later on! And I cooked dinner! Well it was just spaghetti, but still. I cooked it haha.

For my hair, I decided to try putting in micro braids. I googled tutorials on putting them in, and I'm REALLY excited about it. I know that it will take awhile though to get used to braiding with extensions and with braids so small, but I figure if my travel voucher goes through either tomorrow or Tuesday, I can buy the hair and get started before the weekend! That way I won't have so much to do during the weekend! :D Hopefully it turns out okay!!! :D

As for my apartment, I'm going to see about just keeping the apartment. I mean, thinking about it, I have a two bedroom two bathroom apartment. Why move out it if I'm possibly bringing Arianna back to Utah with me? That way she can have her own bedroom, and if anyone ever comes over to visit, they'll have their own bathroom to use :) I fasted about what I should do about moving into a new apartment in the same complex, or moving near a friend of mine in Clearfield, and I had the HARDEST time making a decision. But now I have this answer, and tomorrow when I talk to the management people here I'm hoping that keeping the lease for this apartment will be an option :)

And....I FINALLY FINISHED THE OUTLINE FOR MY PAPER THAT'S DUE TOMORROW!!! Now all I have to do is write it, which hopefully won't be too hard for me to pull off *sigh* We'll see how this goes. So today has been a good day, and I'm certainly not going to complain about it. Yay for good days! :D :D :D