sheesh

I keep forgetting that this is my blog and that it's perfectly okay for me to say whatever I want because it's my blog, and if people don't like it, they don't have to read it. Now that I've reminded myself of this fact for what feels like the one hundredth time, I'm going to further explain my last post, because it was kinda vague.

So last night I was writing in my journal about a guy that I'm interested in and how excited I am to be moving into a smaller apartment. I finished writing and was just lying there staring at the cover of my journal when I thought what if Arianna and Alex DO get tested and it turns out he really IS her father? what if he takes me to court for full custody of her?? what if he won??? Which then lead to me thinking did I do the right thing in not giving her up for adoption? am I really ready to bring her back with me after the deployment? I have a hard time taking care of myself, how on earth am I going to take care of myself and a baby? what happens when I need to go TDY? what if I can't get moved to day shift (that was a recent thought. like, just now)? my parents wouldn't be happy if i mentioned giving her up for adoption...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!! Yeah, I freak out pretty easily. This lead to a mental breakdown because I felt like I had made a HUGE mistake in not giving her up for adoption because I felt like I'll never be able to give her everything that she deserves no matter how hard I try. I prayed about it, and cried some more...It's so hard having the patience to wait for an answer. I remember when I first got here and I was considering adoption, and I had even gone to a few appointments with the LDS Family Services lady and looked at a few of the families on their website, and I remember coming across a white family with three adopted African American daughters. They came to mind last night. They're still in my mind right now as I'm writing this. I don't know if that's my answer to what I'm supposed to do; if it is, this is going to be REALLY hard. Mostly because my family has developed a strong attachment to her, along with friends and girlfriends of the family. I would feel so horrible if I took Arianna from them just to give her up to people they don't know... I don't know. All I can think about is the counsel from the General Authorities about how if the parents of a child aren't married, they should be encouraged to do so, but if they can't then they should be counseled to put the baby up for adoption. Like I said before I would HATE to have to do that, because I'm adopted and I've heard stories as to why I was put up for adoption, and it's part of the reason why I am the way that I am today. I don't know who my birth parents are even though I would love to find that out, and why I ended up in an adoption center. I don't want Arianna wondering why I gave her up, I don't want her to deal with what I had to deal with. I don't want my parents hating me for taking away their first grandchild from them, especially after all this time they've gotten to spend with her and watching her grow...And for her, she'll be almost a year and a half when I get back from the sandbox...I can't even imagine what that would do to her if I turned her over to a family of complete strangers. I don't know what to do. I still want to be a part of her life, but I don't know if I can give her what I know that she deserves. Am I being selfish by keeping her, or am I being selfish by considering adoption? Why can't it ever be easy to make hard decisions?