I feel like I condemn myself to hell with some of the thoughts that go through my head...lol

So I've been home in VA for two weeks (holy crap, time is FLYING!). It's okay I guess, it's different learning to take care of yourself AND a child, but eventually I'll figure it out. I guess I like being a mom? I mean, there are moments that I do enjoy watching her play and do what she does, but I also have moments where I feel like I'm going to straight lose my mind. I'm hoping that it's part of being a parent, otherwise, I have some reason to be concerned...

Anyway! Arianna is napping right now, so I'm taking this time to actually update this thing before she wakes up and decides she wants to type on here too lol. Life is life, I guess. Nothing is really changing, besides my being an actual mom now. I am terrified of going out and running into Sam and Brianna, because then I'll really be faced with failure, and I don't handle failures too well (especially this one). Ugh. I really hate that he's always in the back of my mind somewhere. Just lurking like a creeper. How do I get rid of him? You know what the sad part is, though? Even though he removed me from his Facebook friends list (without warning too, might I add. Definitely messaged him about that one. Of course, he didn't respond.), I still look at his and Brianna's pages just to see if there's any more mention about wedding stuff. Or pictures (which there never are). Sometimes I wonder why if he (claimed to) care(s) about me so much as a person and a friend, why he hasn't asked if I wanted an announcement, even though I won't be able to go to the wedding. Not like I would anyway. I don't know why I'm so... emotionally masochistic when it comes to Sam. I mean, yeah, he was my first. We went through a lot while we were together. Like, A LOT. But I mean, he's been able to move on, so why can't I? What's holding me back? *thunks head against a wall* I wish I could just forget all about him and our relationship. I really do.

So. Since I've been home, I've been going to some Jazzercise classes with my mom. They're fun, and I definitely get a workout, but it makes me feel SO uncoordinated lol! Anyway, my mom took me to a Christmas party last weekend at one of the Jazzercise centers she goes to, and let me tell you. Not including all of the sexy black celebrities that are out there (*ahem* Idris Elba, LL Cool J...), my mom introduced me to a son of one of her friends... OH.MY.GOODNESS. I felt so bad because I knew from my mom that he was very much a Christian, but I really couldn't help the thoughts that were going through my head lol. Let's just say that he was delicious. And sexy. And just plain ol good looking, SMH at me. I could not stop staring at him! I definitely kept my sweat pants on, even though I had shorts on underneath, because I remembered that I hadn't shaved my legs in awhile...LOL. Anyway, he's a jazzercise instructor too. The Christmas party was hosint a famous choreographer, and there was one point he split us up into two groups. Of course I couldn't help but watch Mr. Sexy, and I felt even more ashamed at myself because I just couldn't stop STARING. Like, if other people weren't watching the group, my staring would've been on creeper status lol. I can't even describe to you how he moved. There are no words. None. At. All. I'll just leave it at that. Mm. I really should change topics. But he was the best looking non-celebrity black man I have EVER seen in my 23 years of existence.

Which brings me to...David. Who is not black, but still attractive, to me. He and I were in a relationship for about a week (at my insistence, because I'm just stubborn like that), before I realized that right now we're better as friends (which is how HE saw it, I'm just stubborn lol). Anyway, we both have feelings for each other, it's just we're not sure if now is a good time to act on those feelings since he's technically stationed overseas in Alaska. Not sure how that counts as overseas since it's part of the United States, but who am I to question the military and how they operate? Moving right along though. He and I have been having these dreams where we're together. I don't know what to make of them. Of course there's the obvious, "oh, it means that you two are meant to be together". Um, I've gone that route before, and now 2 1/2 almost three years of my life are gone because of that very thought. Obviously if we're dreaming it, it's something we've thought about and most likely want. But just because we want it, doesn't always mean it's the right thing (I learned that the hard way too smh). So for now we remain friends (which I think we're both okay with. At least I am. Read a few posts back to really get why), and if it's God's plan, something will happen to where we can be together.

And I think that's all the updating I have for right now. Arianna almost woke up from her nap, but she's back sleeping now. I think I will end this though. I'm fairly certain people don't read most of what I post anyway, which I am okay with.

Ciao!

I am the very model of a modern major...procrastinator

So. It's Saturday night, and instead of folding this nicely sized pile of laundry sitting next me, or running the dishwasher, or even taking care of more laundry that's in the washer and dryer, I've been sitting on here, playing around on the internet and now, blogging. Don't ask me why, I guess it's because I've been thinking about doing a post for a bit and I've just been WAY too lazy to do one. I also think I'm doing this to put off doing homework (which I have a feeling I will be doing tomorrow...*sigh*). Anyway, I guess I should make this post somewhat coherent.

I can't believe I'm going home on Monday. Granted, it's only for 30 days, but still. I'm going home, and taking charge of being in charge of Arianna. Scary, when you think about it. How do I go from not physically caring for her for 23 months, to caring for her basically as soon as I get into the car after I land (I'm assuming, I'm hoping I have until I get home at least)? What if I absolutely suck at it? Ugh I know I'm going to have a hard time... Last time I was home I'm fairly certain I spoiled her. I guess we'll see what happens when I get there. Hopefully she remembers me...

What else should I talk about...Oh! I only have one day of classes left! I took both of my finals this week, AND I PASSED MY MATH FINAL!!!! I mean, it was an open notes and book test, but still- I PASSED! So I think I'm passing my class now, but I need to do this week's homework, to hopefully make sure I pass and then I won't have to pay back the TA! I'm not sure how I did on my African American Literature classes. Hopefully I passed that one; I wasn't really thinking straight seeing as I had just finished working a 12 hour shift before I took that thing. NOTE TO READERS: Don't take a final after working for 12 hours. It was hard for me to think coherent thoughts and sentences lol.

I'm not sure what else to talk about....OH! I FINALLY saw Breaking Dawn Part 1. It was GREAT! I want to see it again; probably once I'm home. It was SOOO good... I'm excited for the second part of the movie. I can safely say that I really liked Jacob in this one. I felt bad for him, but I still liked him in it. *sigh* I'm reading the book again too, and reading through it, I think it would've been cool to see some of the playful banter between Rosalie and Jacob, because I'm finding those quite amusing in the book. I won't go too much into details, sadly because I don't remember much of it (what is WITH that lately? I've been randomly forgetting things, and it's REALLY frustrating ugh). So I'm basically ready for it to come out on DVD already so I can add it to my collection.

COUPONING!!! I'm not all that great at it, quite discouraging actually. But I'm not giving up! Practice makes perfect, right? RIGHT??? Let's hope so, because...well...saving money is always a good thing :)

And now I think I will go do some laundry!

Ciao!!

My next tattoo...

So for awhile I've been thinking about what I want my next tattoo to be, and I think I've finally (kind of ) decided on what I want it to be. For the most part. I know that I want it to be Proverbs 3:5-6, but I can't really decide if I want to do the actual words of this scripture, or just the scripture reference itself. I know that if I just do the scripture reference, I'll probably put it on the underside of my left wrist. If I do both verses though, I'm thinking about getting a Precious Moments child outline (I'm thinking praying), with the words of both verses on the inside. I'm not sure yet if I want to do print or cursive... I'll probably do print if I go with the Precious Moments outline, cursive for the one on my wrist. I'm also not sure where I would put the other one... The place that makes the most sense would probably be on one of my shoulder blades, but I want to be able to see it, you know? I think it might be a little weird to have it somewhere on my sides, stomach, or lower back. I don't know. It took awhile for me to decide on what I wanted for my next tatoo, so it will probably be another while before I decide on where I want it to go :)

Finding Morris Notes

Part 2 of the notes I mentioned from my previous post

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=tn_tnmn#!/note.php?note_id=10150372322868568

Part 1. I really need to take the time to read all of his notes. A lot of the titles have caught my attention!

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=tn_tnmn#!/note.php?note_id=10150262860653568

It's been a long time since I last posted on here.

Actually, it's been a long time since I've done any kind of journaling. Well, that's a lie. I recently starting using an old blog on my phone to get my feelings out while I'm at work. So, what have I been up to lately?

I moved into a bigger apartment last month. It was a hard decision to make, whether to move on base or into a bigger apartment. After a lot of praying and weighing the pros and cons between each choice, and decided on moving to a bigger apartment. The rent is only $100 more, but I'd rather that than lose all of my BAH. The apartment is a two bedroom, with the second bedroom being for Arianna. So far her bed and dresser are all set up; I still need to put some winter clothes in there, put together her stroller, and strap in her car seat. I'm both excited and nervous about going home and actually being her mom... I haven't been an actual parent to her basically since she's been born. I know NOTHING about being a parent; how will I know what I'm doing, or if it's even the right thing? I know that she recognizes my voice, will she recognize me as her mother? Will she listen to me? I'm just REALLY nervous... I will be TOTALLY new to this whole parenting thing, and I really don't want to mess up.

For the past...eh, month or so? I've been going to a different church. Faith Baptist Church. Why, you ask? Because I didn't feel comfortable going to a Single's Ward where I didn't fit in (because I'm a parent), or the Family Ward (because I'm not married). I was always depressed giong to Church and the different events. I'm not even sure I had a testimony about whether being LDS is where I was supposed to be. I got baptized because of something Sam had said to me when we first started our relationship. He said that he couldn't marry someone who was LDS. And of course, I thought for sure that he and I would get married, and when he told me that, I felt this burning in my chest which I was sure meant that he was The One, and that I had to convert to ensure that we would get married when the time came. I've been a member for 5 years. Sam and I aren't together anymore. We don't even talk to each other anymore. In fact, he's engaged to someone else now. My parents didn't approve of the fact that I got baptized LDS. But me being the stubborn person that I am, stayed LDS. But now, I guess you could say that I don't really have a reason to be LDS. I didn't do it for the right reason. I will admit that I didn't really feel much of anything when I went to church. I just felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. In the single's ward, my singleness was pointed out to me every time I went to church or an activity. In the family ward, I was constantly reminded that although I'm a parent, I'm not married. Which led to the depression I felt all the time. I shouldn't have to feel the way that I did. So, I started looking for a different church to attend. Like I said at the beginning, I've been attending Faith Baptist Church. I really like going there. The congregation is diverse; the preaching is great (it seems like many of the messages are speaking to me); I feel accepted there. The people that I've met are so friendly (some uncomfortably so, but I think I'll get used to that with time), and even though I'm not a member there, the people care about me. I'm really excited to continue attending this church, and bringing Arianna here too :)

I can't believe that I only have two weeks left in the two classes that I'm taking this semester: African American Literature, and Intermediate Algebra. African American Literature hasn't been that bad, I don't mind the reading, but I realize that I hate writing papers lol. As for math... let's just say that I'm already planning on paying back the TA (tuition assistance) for this class. It probably wasn't a good idea to 1) take this class while taking another one, knowing full well that math is not my strong point, and 2) take this class online, knowing full well that I would need all the help I could get lol. I'm pretty sure I can salvage my African American Literature grade, but Algebra...There's no saving that one. Unless I somehow magically do an awesome job on my final, which I highly doubt *sigh*. But hey, at least I won't have to worry about classes while I'm home on leave! This semester conveniently ends the day before I go on leave :)

I don't really know what else to talk about now... I'm still single *SIGH*, but I'm working on doing things differently. Instead of looking for a boyfriend, I'm looking for what I REALLY want: a husband. And even with that, I'm not going to do the looking. There are two pages on Facebook that I'm following, one called Finding Morris, the other While I'm waiting- Diary of a Single Christian. I've learned so much between these two pages, most recently being from Finding Morris. He has two notes on... Well I can't really explain it, but I will find them and post the links to them so I can least have them on here. Basically, I don't really want to have a boyfriend per say, but I would like to be courted. Reading these notes, I realized that I really don't like to be tied down in a relationship while trying to find the guy I'm meant to marry. From my understanding from Finding Morris' notes, a relationship should go like this: acquaintances/strangers; friends (where you're still getting to know each other, but also getting to know other people; this could be similar to dating); 'friends' (you're more serious about each other, and not really seeing other people); and hopefully engagement and marriage. I want to find my best friend here on this earth. I know that I can't do it on my own; I've been praying for this, along with patience because I tend to want instant results. And when that doesn't happen, I have the tendency to take things into my own hands. And I've learned that my way definitely isn't always best LOL. The hard way, unfortunately... But, I'm hoping that through prayer and faith, I can have that patience and trust that in time God will place that man in my life, and I will be ready for him. I know that first I have to be a mom to my daughter first. I hope that things will fall into place...

Well I think I've pretty much updated whoever I let read this on my life at the moment; I really hope that I can get better at this blogging thing. Since it's private now, maybe I'll be able to open up more and get better about expressing my thoughts and feelings.

Til next time!

Decision making and I are not friends

So...It's almost 5am, and even though my eyes are telling me it's time for bed, I know that my mind will not shut off for awhile. I have a MAJOR decision to make, and I'm having a hard time deciding what to do about it. The main thing holding me back from making a decision I would have to say is money, because I need money to provide for myself and my daughter, right? Right. I'm praying about it, but it's so hard to tell the difference between what I want and what God wants... I just don't want to make the wrong decision and then end up strapped for cash because of it, but at the same time, I want to give Arianna the best that I can. And if I wait too long, the decision might end up being made for me, and I don't want that *sigh*.

What am I to do?

I'M ALIVE!!!!

My before pic!

After day 1 level 1!

So today I started Jilian's 30 Day Shred, and let me say- it KICKED my butt ALL over my living room floor lol! Can I also say that I was INSANE to buy 8lb hand weights?? I didn't make it past one rep of one of the exercises before I had to resort to spaghetti sauce cans (shameful, I know *hangs head*). Even though it was a 20 minute workout, I was sweating like I played an entire game of JV/AAU basketball (oh the good ol' days of middle and high school...). I'm excited to keep doing this, and I really hope I can stay consistent with this!

Til next time, guys!!!

I must be insane...

I've been really thinking about how I can get back into shape and get rid of the baby weight/fat that I've had since Arianna was born... Which turned into a random spur of the moment late night trip to Wal-Mart to get... *drum roll please*

Along with two 8lb hand weights. So, I'm either ridiculously insane, or brilliant! haha... Time will tell (30 days, to be exact lol). Also, this should help me get on track to get ready for my pt test in January (which also happens to be on Arianna's 2nd birthday). I'm wondering if I should post pictures of my progress while doing this thing (or at least before and after pics), just to see how much I've toned up/lost weight. I'm really hoping to drop 10lbs before I go home Dec 12, so we'll see how that goes as well :)

For those who pay attention to my Facebook, you may have noticed that I was in a relationship...which ended around 6 days later. Not on a bad note or anything, we (well I, he already knew this lol) just felt we're better off as friends. I'm not sure why I thought this deserved it's own paragraph, it's only three sentences lol. Which I guess is the normal length of a paragraph anyway.

Oh, did I mention that my reward if I lose my 10lbs before Dec 12th is a Kindle (or Nook, I STILL can't decide on which one I should get, but I'm leaning toward the Nook since I have a Barnes and Noble account already)? No? Well that is my reward. Now to find a picture to post somewhere so I'm reminded of what I'm working toward, and to remind myself to actually work out lol.

DECEMBER 12TH!!!!! I'm going on leave to visit my family and...

Bring this little ray of sunshine back with me to Utah! I'm both excited and nervous about this.

Now that I've bought the plane tickets, I can look into moving into a bigger apartment, and getting all of her stuff together :)

And... I think that's it! No, wait... Let's talk hair. Right now, my hair looks like this

They are crochet braids with senegalese twists latch hooked into cornrows. I like it, but I think next time I'm going to go with twists that go all the way down, because detangling this is no joke lol. I LOVE the brown highlights that are also in most of the twists that are installed, and I think I will stick with the off black/brown mix :) What's really irritating though is how much my scalp is itching, and the build up is getting crazy... Luckily (thanks to some wonderful advice from the curlies on CurlyNikki.com), witch hazel should solve the problem! We'll see how that goes, and then in a few weeks I'll take these down and get them done again! Lovely protective style for the winter, expecially for the length that my hair is right now (which is in the awkward stage, not quite TWA, but not realy long enough to do much in terms of keeping it within military standards lol). Here's to hoping I can keep this up!

I think that's it as far as updates on what's going on in my life... If I'm not dead tomorrow, I will try to post about my first day of doing this 30 day shred. Wish me luck!!

I'm not going to lie...

While I'm happy for all my friends and peopl that I know who are getting engaged, I can't help but feel left out. When will it be my turn?

My newfound love!

No, it's not a person (yet)... I LOVE budgeting!!! Granted, I'm still getting used to keeping my debit and credit cards in my closet instead of in my wallet, but I'm happy to say that I've been sticking to my budget! Thankfully I've been able to use leftover money in my account to do things like start payments on my student loan (which is added to my budget now), and get my oil changed! Now, I just need to leave this $40 in my account, so after next pay period I can buy my plane ticket home! That's all I wanted to say, til next time!!!

There are no words...

For how this song makes me feel. There are no words to describe just how...amazing Adele is. This song, I think, sums up what I'm thinking sometimes when I look back on the past and how things were, and how things could've ended up. No, I'm not looking back and beating myself up for my mistakes (although I WILL admit to doing that), but like it says in the song, it's more of a bittersweet taste/feeling. I don't know. I just love this song, I love her voice, I love how her music (and the music of others like her) always seems to speak to me and whatever I'm thinking or feeling in the back of my mind/heart. That's what music is supposed to do- make you feel something deep down inside of you. One of these days, a song will actually make me cry instead of only bringing tears to my eyes from the memories.

Hey there, confusion. I feel like we've met before... Oh wait. We have.

So in case you couldn't tell, I am, once again, confused. Confused about my faith and what I believe beyond the basics, confused about what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go in my life... And if you know me, I HATE not knowing things. I find it frustrating because I don't know if what I'm doing is leading me in the right direction or further away from where I'm supposed to be. I don't know what to do with what I believe, or if it's even right. Well, that's not worded correctly. I know what I believe, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know if I should be LDS. I just don't know. Maybe I made the wrong decision five years ago... Not to say that the LDS faith is true, because I honestly don't know. Who really knows? We just have our faith and what we believe. I just want to be Christian, is that so bad? Why does there have to be denominations to make things way more confusing that what it really is? *sigh*

You know what? Here's what I believe. I believe that Jesus Christ was born of Mary, taught the doctrine of Heavenly Father, performed miracles and healed the sick. I believe that He died for our sins and rose from the dead three days later, thus defeating death and the grave for all of us so that we may live with Him and our Heavenly Father in Heaven for all of eternity. I believe that in order to live with Christ and Heavenly Father for eternity we must have faith, believe in His teachings and do our best to follow them, repent of our sins (and continue to do so), and be baptized in His name. I believe that one day He will come back for His people.

And that's it. If there's more to it, I'm fairly certain God will make it known to me. But until then, I'm sticking with that.

Til next time...

My perfect Sunday and a dress

Today I was thinking about what my perfect Sunday would be like (inspired by a post by my Twin!)... It would consist of my daughter playing quietly with her toys in the playroom or in the living room while watching Veggie Tales or some other learning or Sunday appopriate children's show. I'm on a rather large couch, large enough to stretch out on and be extra comfortable (the LoveSac couches come to mind, those look extremely comfortable), wrapped in the arms of a handsome (by my standards) significant other (be it boyfriend, fiance- not live in though, just visiting, or husband), watching Arianna watch TV and watching it with her. The sun is setting and through the blinds, the colors radiating off the walls. Even with Arianna and all her noise making, it's a peaceful afternoon. My heartbeat matches that of the one holding me, and I smile, closing my eyes and wondering how on earth I could be so lucky to be blessed with my own little family.

Onto the dress! I was watching Say Yes to the Dress the other day, and of course that triggers looking at dresses online. I know that I don't want a long dress, because I don't want to have to worry about dragging the bottom of my dress on the ground and getting dirty, or myself or other people stepping on it. Which leads to my decision to go with knee length dresses (which are apparently called tea length. I like it.). That led to me looking at 50s style wedding dresses, because I think they're REALLY classy and modest and just so darn cute! So I was looking at different dresses, and I think I found one (maybe two) dress(es) that I absolutely LOVE:

This one would have full sleeves and possibly a slightly higher neckline, if they can pull it off.

Anyway, I was NOT expecting to find a dress this quickly. And yes, I know that I'm single; I refuse to let that stop me from dreaming about getting married and looking at dresses and coming up with little ideas that I would like for my wedding. A girl can dream, right?

Til next time :)

Oh- I forgot to mention where I found these lovely dresses. HERE IT IS!!!

Life Update!

I suppose it's time for a life update! I usually write in my journal for daily things like this, but today I'm doing things different. So... let's do an update!


My life is going all right... Work is the same as usual, so I can't really complain there. I also started my Public Speaking class this past week, and the instructor is amusing. He's this little old guy who tends to ramble on about...Well I'm not really sure haha. The class is pretty small, and we all fit in a conference room. It's funny, I missed the first day of class because I couldn't find the darn building. I talked to the college reps on base that have the class, and they showed me where it was on the map- I was on that same road, I just didn't go down far enough *kicks self*. I'm excited about taking the class, maybe it will help me get over my fear of talking in front of large groups of people.

I started following an actual budget plan this month! I was doing really well with not touching the extra money left over after bills, but the grocery shopping trip from this last paycheck definitely cut into my bank account, and then it kinda got out of control from there... BUT I'm back on track with putting my check card back where I put my other cards once I take my cash out of the ATM so I'm not tempted to use it. It's helpful because I'm trying to save up for my flight home, along with some things I'll need for Arianna!

Speaking of Arianna, it's only a few more months until I fly home for Christmas and New Years, and then I'll be back here in Utah with Arianna! I'm super excited about it, and nervous at the same time. I mean, it's been two years. Not only will I have to learn who she is, I also have to be a mom to her at the same time. It's going to be SO crazy...But I'm looking forward to it : ) I'm also planning on moving on base before I head home, mainly for convenience in being closer to work AND I don't have to pay for utilities! This is also where the budgeting comes into play, and every penny that I can save and keep into my account will help move me in and (hopefully) my flight home! can you tell how I'm excited I am? Because I'm pretty excited about it.

Let's see... What else can I talk about? Oh! So, there's this guy that I've been talking to (like, actually having a conversation, not whatever these younger kids are calling "talking" these days...) for the past few weeks. We used to work together in Korea two years ago, and every now and then we'd message each other and chat on Facebook. And now we're talking :) It's only on the phone, because he's in Alaska, but it's nice. I enjoy talking to him, and listening to him talk. I'm interested to see where this goes, especially with us being so far apart.

In my single's ward, we started a scripture reading challenge ( actually, I think it's a stake-wide challenge...) where in 90 days we have to read the 4 Gospels in the New Testament (for those who don't know what they are, it's Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) and 3rd Nephi in the Book of Mormon. We even have a bookmark type of handout to cross off the days that we've read. I'll admit that I've been a slacker lately with reading, but I'm working on that. Anyway, I'm still in Matthew right now, but I must say (and this will probably sound horrible in regards to my scripture reading), I've learned SO much about Christ and how he treats others... I especially like how He teaches in parables. At first I didn't understand what they were saying, but when He would explain to the disciples, it all made sense! I'm excited to read more about Christ, His life, and His teachings : ) I'm grateful for this challenge, because if it wasn't for this I wouldn't be learning all that I'm learning.

As for my hair... For the first time since I did my BC (big chop), I did a protein treatment. My hair LOVED it! I was so happy with the results, that I decided to try doing finger coils using this new gel that I bought the other day, ElastaQP liquid gel. My hair also loves this stuff. Although the finger coils were an epic fail, my hair is STILL super soft, even after my hair dried. Usually with using gel (especially with the amount that I used, which was a LOT), my hair gets super hard and crunchy after my hair dries, and I hate it. Not with ElastaQP. It's STILL soft to the touch. It could also be in part to the protein treatment that I did- that really defined my curls. Definitely a keeper product for my hair. As for styling my hair, I don't even know what to do with it right now. It's not long enough to braid it without using extensions, and flat twists don't really hold in my hair... I can't just wear my little afro much longer because it will keep growing. So, I'm left with the option of braids with extensions. I'm thinking about either doing braids with hair extensions, or doing yarn braids again. I tried yarn braids before, but my hair wasn't long enough to really hold them in and the braids weren't long enough... Now that I'm armed with new tips, I can pull these off better! Plus, I can do these myself without spending ANY money (I still have yarn from the first time I put these in)!

So... I think that's it! Til next time!

Random? Why yes, yes it is.

It's 1:15 am here, and I have to be up at 5:30 am for my Public Speaking class at 7 am. Why am I up, you ask? I'm not entirely sure- I'm sure it has to do with the fact that I work swing shift, and I'm used to being up until 3 am? This class on Monday mornings is going to be crazy, but at least this is the only day that I have to be up at the butt crack of dawn (the other days for this class are thursday and Friday). I'm not really sure why I'm blogging right now, I guess I'm just bored and don't really have anything else to do. Well, I could sleep but I really don't feel like it right now. I have a feelign I will be struggling to stay awake on my first day of class- and I don't even know where the building is on top of that. *sigh* I can tell this is going ot be the beginning of an interesting week...

Another thing. I've decided to keep my crochet braids in for another few weeks. I mean, a lot of work was put in to getting these things done, and my plan was to keep them in for a few months anyway. So for now the plan is to just keep my scalp oiled and moisturized and cleanse my scalp at least once a week and then just see how my hair feels from there. Hopefully it continues to grow and not break off too much :) Shedding is okay, breakage, not so much : /

And I think that's it. I'm not going to head to bed just yet, but I'm sure I will soon out of sheer boredom LOL.

Til next time!

Crochet braids and privacy

So- it's been almost a week since I've had my crochet braids, and honestly, I don't think my hair will make it the full 3 months of having these in. It's just a lot of stress on my actual hair, what with pulling it up into a bun for work (which really pulls at the back of my head), and the fact that maybe my cornrows are just a little too tight, I dunno. I'll hold out for the rest of this week (until Sunday), and then maybe keep them in for a few more weeks after. I'm already looking into another protective style for the upcoming winter months, and I'm leaning toward getting a sew-in. With wavy or curly hair.

As for the privacy part of this blog title, I'm contemplating making my blog private. I haven't had issues with people who read my blog (I don't even know if people read this thing anyway LOL), it's just when I have those times when I really need to blog about something personal because writing in my journal won't cut it (because let's face it, I type faster than I write), I like knowing that I have another outlet to vent on without worrying about what people will have to say about it. So, with that being said, if any of you who actually read my blog would like to keep reading it, please message me your email through Facebook! I don't really have a set deadline for when my blog will go private, but I figured a heads-up would be the nice thing to do :)

I am...

For the past few days, I've been thinking about who I am. Not the basic stuff like mother, daughter, sister, things like that, but I guess things that I do that make me who I am. So to help get this out of my head, I thought what better way than to blog about it! Here it goes then, my list of "I am".

I am a(n)...

reader.

writer.

homebody.

picker (and not a nose-picker either *gross*. It's more of a physical picking at myself, which I do when I'm nervous or fidgety, and a mental picker, because I'm always picking at myself and things that I don't like about me. Make sense?).

day-dreamer.

procrastinaor.

student (almost put learner...lol).

ear to listen to.

shoulder to cry on.

firm believer in true love.

lion in sheep's wool (almost put clothing).

person who tends to zone out while driving sometimes.

mumbler to myself person.

person who is skilled at randomly forgetting things.

what's that word for people who have a hard time falling asleep...?

list-writer.

sometimes, a lazy bum (I'll admit it).

the listener of an interesting choice of Pandora radio stations.

dog and cat lover.

worrier.

budding couponer.

And I'm sure this list could go on, but it's late, and my brain is tired.

Til next time...

I'm so excited!!!

Today (well, ridiculously early this morning) I put together my coupon book! It took forever for me to find the baseball card sleeves in Wal-Mart, but I'm happy that I stuck with it and asked for help until I found them (even though I was exhausted from today- it just seemed to last FOREVER. And by today, I mean Monday). There aren't a lot of coupons in my book, but thanks to a few REALLY friendly people on Facebook, I've been given ideas and suggestions and tips for getting coupons without having to buy 5 copies of the Sunday paper! I can't wait to get to ordering and printing off coupons and start saving money! : D

An interesting article

 I saw this article posted on Facebook, and found it to be quite interesting. The author brought up some good points as well. Check it out {HERE}

Let's be honest...

I mentioned how the last hour of church today was great. And it was. At the same time, it kind of depressed me because it talked about the worth of our souls, what defines us, and how we need to be the best we can be. Some other things that were brought up were different kinds of pride, how we shouldn't settle for less than what we deserve, and that it really isn't worth it to lower our standards (and yes, I pulled these from my notes).

This of course, brought up some insecurities that were mentioned in the previous post (for those who actually read my random ramblings). A question was asked that also reminded me of a question that I was asked by the behavioral health consultant that I've been seeing (only twice though). The question asked in church was: "Does having a boyfriend/girlfriend define who you are?" The question my behavioral health asked me (this was after I told him about how there were two guys that I liked, and when he mentioned that I should try asking them to hang out I was really hesitant about it) was: "Would it destroy you if you were rejected?" Now. Let's take a field trip to the past. My first boyfriend... wasn't the greatest in the world. He treated me like crap. He pretended to be nice to me to my face, but behind my back he said some really hurtful things (he actually told my last serious boyfriend that if we had been together when prom rolled around, his plan was to sleep with me and then leave me on the side of the road). He also hooked up with one of my closest girlfriends (this same friend tried hooking up with my last serious boyfriend as well, but it didn't work). I'm not sure why I broke up with him, but that relationship ended. My next relationship didn't last long at all. Maybe two weeks. I ended that one because I caught him holding hands with another girl.

And then, there was he-who-must-not-be-named. I don't hate him, but right now, thinking about him still hurts. Anyway, he was the best. Because of recent events I'm not going to rehash everything that happened. I will say that before I screwed things up, the way that he treated me was... I couldn't believe I had gotten so lucky and blessed. and then I screwed it up. There was a lot that we had been through and thankfully we were able to stay really close friends after everything. What...I guess what hurts me the most is that we've drifted apart and especially now, I'm pretty sure that friendship is basically done. Depressing, but true because there was a certain belief that I've had about best friends, and marriage, and... yeah that was pretty much shattered into a billion pieces.

Now. It's quite apparent to those who know me that I have a daughter, which clearly means I'm not a virgin anymore. Here is where I think it's a good time to try to explain why my self-esteem is the way that it is. I wish that I could just say "Korea" and immediately you all would understand, but that's not the case. The best way I can explain Korea would be to compare it to going to a college that is notorious for it's partying scene. Lots of drinking and sex. I will admit that I got sucked into the sex part of being in Korea, even though that was not my plan at all. I think that my mentality here was just looking for male attention. The sex just kind of...happened, which somehow lead to me thinking that if I wanted that male attention, I had to sleep with them. It worked- for that night. The only time it wasn't like that was with another he-who-must-not-be-named, mostly because he just completely betrayed me and shattered the heart that I was trying to piece back together after I broke it. I seriously thought that there was something between us (along with everyone else who knew what was going on); the things that he would say to me, the way he treated me, it just screamed "hey I think that there could be something more here." Only...he went home and came back married. I'm not sure he would've told me if I hadn't found out by accident on his myspace page (wow, talk about old. Who has a myspace page anymore? LOL). So that really messed me up. Arianna's father and I had a brief relationship; I'm not entirely sure how that one ended, but after not speaking to each other for over a year, we're somewhat on speaking terms again. I forgot to mention that I was sexually assaulted in Korea as well. I dropped the charges, because I hated the way OSI made me feel everytime they questioned me about what happened (apparently they don't believe that you can just shut down when something like that is happened to you, no matter how short they are or how tall you are). I think it would be an understatement to say that Korea was not a good time for me.
This is where some might say that my thinking is kind of skewed and most likely irrational: I feel like because I have a child that I don't really deserve to date, or have a boyfriend, or even get married. I mean, it's not that I don't want that because believe me, I do. SO badly. But... I don't want to place a guy that I like in an uncomfortable situation of being around something he isn't ready for yet; I would also kind of feel like I would be cheating my potential husband out of having that...wholesome woman that he's been dreaming of marrying and spending the rest of forever with. Does that make sense to anyone? This is where the note of "it's not worth it to lower your standards" really affects me, because I feel like any guy who would date me could possibly be lowering their standards, and I don't want to be that person someone just settles for. I feel like I'm the girl that's at the bottom of the barrel, and there are so many other girls out there that just...*sigh*

Anyway, back to the questions that I mentioned at the beginning of this novel. Does having a boyfriend define who I am? I'm not sure, because it's been almost two years since I've been in a relationship and I don't really remember what it's like to have someone like that. Would it destroy me if I asked a guy that I liked to hang out with me and he said no? Most likely. Why? Because with my way of thinking, I would think "well if he said no, why even bother asking any other guy to hang out with me? He'll probably say no too, and every other guy after that, and no guy will ever ask me on a date and I'll be alone for the rest of my life." Let me be clear, I'm NOT saying this to guilt trip ANY guy into saying "yes" or asking me out just because they think I'll think that way; will I think that? Yes. That being said, it won't destroy me for the rest of my life, just for a week or so. For me to ask a guy to do something requires a lot of courage on my part, and not listening to the voice in my head that keeps trying to prevent me from doing so. Heck, it takes a ton of courage to just have a normal conversation with someone that I like, let alone ask them on I guess what would be a...date? Yikes, I haven't been on a date in years...

So...um... I guess this is just me being honest and clafirying the previous post? If any of you have read this whole thing, then kudos to you. I don't know what I'm expecting to get out of this, but I guess it kind of helps to get it all out of my system?

Til next time...

Pity Parties are my specialty. Especially when they're for me, hosted by me, and only attended by me.

Church today was great. The talks in Sacrament were great, Sunday School was...interesting but great as well, and the combined Relief Society/Priesthood talks/lessons were great. During the last hour, the lesson was definitely something I needed to hear, but instead of acknowleding my faults and my low self-esteem and moving on, I stayed stuck on them. And that killed my mood. I concentrated on some of the major things that wrong with me and then assumed that's why I'm still alone. Okay yes, I have family, and friends here and there but I guess I should remind you that my family is 2,000 miles away on the other side of the country, friends that I would hang out with are also on the other side of the country (or not even in the country, for that matter), and then the"friends" I supposedly have here don't seem to really exist. It's more like I have acqaintances instead of friends. I talk myself out of physically talking to guys that I like because let's face it; guys don't date single moms. And why should they? I don't deserve that kind of happiness, no matter how badly I want it. I forfeited the right to that when I got pregnant. I don't even know why I'm complaining about something I brought on myself, and talking about it only makes it worse so... I'm done. I'm done trying. I'm done caring.

I quit.

I had a title for this post, but then I forgot

As I sit here on my couch, watching In Plain Sight, doing laundry, and eating beef jerky (go mulititasking! And most likely causing my keyboard and/or phone to smell like beef jerky...*sigh*), and everytime I think back to today (well, yesterday now) and Friday I can't help but smile about it.

The camp outwas SO much fun. I'm happy that I was able to get off of work somewhat early enough to make it (even if I did get lost for maybe an hour or so out in the middle of nowhere... It was scary). Fun times, really. Capture the flag when it's pretty much pitch black out, sitting by the campfire and trying to protect your eyes from the smoke, going on my first climb EVER (and I didn't die or hurt myself! I may have stepped in the creek on accident, but I managed with one wet foot LOL)...Just hanging out with some awesome people. It was great. With my work schedule (which is 3-11pm for those who didn't know that), it's hard to make it to YSA activities during the week, so I get really excited when there are activities that I can actually go to (and I try my hardest to make it to the activities that I can actually go to). And I totally lost my train of thought. Um... oh! I came home and took a nap with the intention of going grocery shopping, cleaning and doing laundry... That didn't happen until after 8pm or so. I woke up with MASSIVE heartburn, and I felt like I was going to throw up (and I HATE throwing up...ugh), so I sat my behind on my couch and watched tv until I felt better and then went about my errands!

So basically, I'm enjoying my weekend. I know that tomorrow will rock too, because it's Sunday! I'm almost done with reading "The Holy Temple" too. I think I'm going to need a bigger bookshelf, because I already have a few books that won't fit anymore... Guess that will go on my to-do list!

I've noticed that most of the bloggers that I follow use their blogs on a daily basis as their actual journal... I think I'm the opposite. I have an actual journal that I write in about daily events, or I write in there every couple of days, but for some reason I find that I blog when I have something serious to say or when something is bothering me. I think it's because I type faster than I write, so I'm able to just think at the normal speed my mind runs and my fingers can keep up! It's probably backwards, but it works for me. I'm not even sure why I added this paragraph to this post, but for some reason I felt it needed to be said...? *shrugs*

Wow. She sang it WAY better than I could ever say it.

Thank you Etta James for singing this song, and Pandora radio for playing it.

It's never a good idea to judge a book by it's cover...

I don't know why the post I texted last night didn't show up on here, but maybe it's a good thing... It wasn't exactly a very nice post, but I felt I needed to say it somewhere. Guess it wasn't meant to be said here. Or maybe it just takes forever for it to show up. I dunno. Anyway, there really isn't much of a point to this post either, except to say that I seem to enjoy torturing myself... I don't know why I do it, but I do. I wish there was some kind of manual on myself. Something like..."Shenise Edmonds for Dummies." Yeah. I could totally use a book like that. I really should be in bed right now, but obviously I'm not. Don't ask why, because I'm not entirely sure...Lately I've been staying up this late just because I can, and I have had to force myself to go to bed most nights. When I do get to bed and fall asleep, I don't want to get out of bed the next morning (I'm sure I'm not the only one there though). Last week, some of the guys that I work with made fun of me for looking at engagement rings online. What, is there a law against single women looking at engagement rings or something? Of course, this was a few days after "that" happened, and it really irritated me that I was being teased for doing something a lot of girls do. One of the guys kept going on about it even after the rest of them had forgotten about it... This guy in particular gets on my nerves and every time he talks to me, I don't think very pleasant thoughts towards him. Some days I wish I had a normal job. No, actually... Everyday I wish I had a normal job... Or at least one that's not directly involved with the flightline. Don't get me wrong, my job is interesting and all of that but, it's not what I wanted to do. I wanted (and still do, for that matter) to be a nonner, sitting behind a desk, wearing blues on Monday, working during the day and actually having a social life (which probably isn't just affected by my job, most of that is probably my fault). I want to be back in Virginia (maybe not in Stafford just yet, but somewhere close would be nice) with my family. I hate not having family out here. I hate myself for being jealous that other people are out there living the life that I want so badly for myself, and yet I do nothing to get what I want. I hate that I won't allow myself to be vulnerable in front of people that I don't really know because I don't know what they'll think of me. I hate that I care so much about what people think. I hate that I have these anxiety issues, and even though I'm talking to someone about it, and was given a packet with different exercises to help deal with it I don't think I'll ever get over it. I hate that the amount of self-esteem that I have changes every day (if not a few times during the day). I hate that I'll probably never have what I really want in life, and it's not like I can complain about it because I brought it all on myself; it's all my fault.

Maybe I should just force myself to go to bed. Clearly blogging right now is not helping me feel better about anything; it's probably making it worse.

I've FINALLY decided!

For the past few months, I've been going back and forth between different protective styles for my hair. Yarn braids, regular braids, sew-ins, I've thought of just about everything that I can get away with while wearing a military uniform. Well, I've finally decided what style I'm going to go with: CROCHET BRAIDS! If you're wondering what they are, they're just your hair cornrowed back (or in whatever pattern you choose), with braided extensions or loose hair latched around the cornrow with a crochet needle. I'm REALLY excited to get these, because it's like having the actual braids without worrying about the braids ripping your hair out if you pull too tight... They last pretty long too if you take care of them right. So in the next few weeks, I plan on getting that done. I'd do them myself, but I can't cornrow to save my darn life LOL! Eventually, when my hair is longer I'll attempt it, but my hair is too short for me to do it myself. I'll leave it to the professionals :)

Here's a Thought

You know the feeling you get when you're with a group of people but you still feel alone? I kind of felt that way tonight while watching fireworks (which were awesome, by the way). I don't know why I feel this way, it always happens when I'm in a crowd or with people that I know. I just feel...closed off. Not that it's their fault, I know it's mine. Like, I would really like to open up to people and actually have friends here that I can talk to about whatever is bothering me, or just have a random conversation about anything but something keeps me from doing that, and I don't know what it could possibly be. It's slightly irritating when you've become your own roadblock...

Testing one, two, three...

Just checking to see if this blog connection to my facebook profile actually worked... I'm not really doing a blog post here. Yet. Maybe in the next day or two, but not now. I need to sleep. I will say this though- I think I'm back to using this blog. I'll most likely explain in a later post. Now, I need to go to bed.

And meaningful in my life. There are things that I would like to accomplish, yet I don't have the motivation to act on any of it. I don't know why. And of course, even though I'm writing all of this, I'm 100% positive that nothing will change. It never does.

I'd be lying if I said that I was happy with the way my life is going. I'm not. I don't feel motivated to do anything productive, and when I do the feeling never lasts and then I get bored and stop really caring or putting forth any effort. I have no idea what direction I want my life to go in. My daughter is supposed to be here in a few months, and while I'm excited about getting things ready for her, I haven't gotten anything for her to even live with me. I can't even keep money in my savings account, let alone my checking. How am I going to be able to take care of a child when I can't even take care of myself? What happens when she's here, and I can't bring myself to care about anything? I don't want her to end up like me; I don't want her to have to see me on those days where I don't want to do anything, or when I just don't care. I don't even know where to look to even begin doing something different

MOVING!

So- before you get all worked up wondering what's going on, I'm not physically moving anywhere (unfortunately...). However, my blog will be moving HERE! I wanted to try a different blog format, since I've used this one for FOREVER it seems like. Don't worry, I'm not deleting this account ( I follow WAY too many blogs to get rid of this one), I'll just be posting on the Tumblr account from now on until I change my mind (maybe).

Later gators!!!

Haman Shea Butter

I'm currently reading through the Old Testament (slowly making my way through the entire Bible), and now I'm in the book of Esther. I'm really liking the Bible that I'm reading from, it's the Life Application Study Bible in the NKJV (New King James Version). Anyway, last night I read chapter 5, and for verses 9-12, there was an interesting point made in the footnotes at the bottom of the page (part of the awesomeness of this study bible- it has little footnotes that help connect what you're reading to different aspects of your life today! I LOVE it!). Basically, these verses deal with Haman's inability to get over the fact that Mordecai won't bow down to him and basically didn't treat him like a god. His pride caused him to hate and be bitter towards Mordecai, who was directly disobeying a decree by the king saying Haman was the king's second in command, and should be treated as such (which Mordecai wouldn't do, because he only bowed down to one person of authority- God). Anyway, Haman hated Mordecai so much that he let that hatred affect his life, and his emotions. This was the footnote at the bottom of the page for verse 9:

"Hatred and bitterness are like weeds with long roots that grow in the heart and corrupt all of life. Haman was so consumed with hatred toward Mordecai that he could not even enjoy the honor of being invited to Esther's party. Hebrews 12:15 warns us to watch out "lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble." Dont' let hatred and its resulting bitterness build in your heart. Like Haman, you will find it backfiring against you... If the mere mention of someone's name provokes you to anger, confess your bitterness as sin. Ignoring bitterness, hiding it from others, or making superficial changes in behavior is not enough. If bitterness isn't completely removed, it will grow back, making matters worse."

The reason why I italicized "If the mere mention of someone's name provokes you to anger" is because I felt that spoke directly to me. For those who know me on more of a personal level, I haven't had much luck with guys, save for one who's now my closest guy friend. After every failed encounter with a guy of interest, I would harbor some hard feelings against these guys, and it would take awhile for those feelings to go away. Every time I saw them, thought of them, or heard anything about them, up would pop those feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal. Thankfully, I no longer feel this way towards any of those guys thanks to praying to Heavenly Father and allowing Him to help me to fully forgive them and let them go. Anyway, reading this brought those experiences to mind, and I thought of how at some point in our lives, we've all probably felt and acted like Haman. But, as written in the above footnote, we shouldn't let those types of feelings affect our lives so much that we can't enjoy even the happier times in our lives. If we admit that we have these feelings and pray to our Heavenly Father to help us overcome these feelings and move on, I believe that our lives will improve. I know mine has, at least in the emotional department :)

Now, onto something that is not related to the above topic at all- shea butter. 100% Pure, raw, gold African Shea Butter Cream, to be exact. My hair LOVES this stuff. I don't melt it or anything before I put it in my hair, I just take the raw shea butter and rub it together in my hands before applying it to my hair. Actually, when I first bought it, I learned the hard way to not try and melt a medium sized container of shea butter. I did that, and tried to mix some oils in it (mainly extra virgin olive oil, and I believe vanilla essential oil to tone down the raw smell of the shea butter)... I don't think it had much of an effect on it. Which is fine with me, because my hair still loves the stuff. I used it in my hair on Monday after I washed and deep conditioned it (since I didn't do it on Saturday- shame on me lol); it was a sealant over the Kimmaytube leave-in and the eco-custard that I had made... My hair was SUPER soft (I applied it to partially damp/partially towel dried (i forgot my t-shirt before I got in the shower, but my hair was already wet and I was not dripping water all over the place haha) hair), and it was still soft after my hair completely dried! Yeah, when I first applied it, my hair turned a yellowish/ashy color (the color of the shea butter), but it wasn't long before my hair soaked it in, the color disappeared, and was replaced with shiny and soft curls/coils! I've used the shea butter plenty of times before and my hair loved it then, so I don't know why I stopped using it. But rest assured, I will be using it as a sealant after I wash and deep condition or just co-wash my hair (usually after I go to the gym on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays). Now I just have to figure out how to work shea butter into some kind of moisturizing spritz for when I get braids...

Oh, and in case it was hard to figure out, my blog title is a play on words. Haman Shea Butter could also be read as Ham an' Shea Butter, just without the d. If it didn't make sense, I apologize.

Later, gators, and have a good rest of the week! ^_^

Born this Way

I was catching up on my missed Glee episodes, and I must say- Born this Way is probably my favorite episode this season (with their Loser like Me episode coming in close second). It was a...touching episode, and I really loved the message from it. We should all embrace who we are, differences and all (although I will say right now, that I am seriously considering getting Proactiv for my skin, because NOTHING ELSE seems to be working : /). That's acutally my goal for this month- Learning how to make MYSELF happy. It probably doesn't make sense as to how that ties in with the song, but I'll try to explain. In order for me to learn how to be my own kind of happy, I have to learn who I am, and to accept that. Make sense? I hope so, because I have no other way to explain it. God made us all in His own image, and I feel that to change the way that we look through plastic surgery (unless it's really serious like a burn victim or something like that, but I'm talking about recreational surgery), crazy diets, and whatever else is out there is basically us telling God that we don't like the way HE looks. Hopefully you wouldn't tell God that he looked ugly or weird or different or anything insulting to His face, so why would we indirectly insult Him? Don't get me wrong, I am definitely no saint in that department. I'm CONSTANTLY finding things about myself that I don't like, or that I wish I could change. Yes, I admit that with my previous logic, that means I'm indirectly insulting God. However, I AM working on accepting who I am, flaws and all (Proactiv will just help improve the healthiness of my skin, I hope). Granted, I know that it will take a lot of time, and I know that I will have those days where I'll hate everything about myself, but that's a part of life, right? Who knows. Now I feel like I'm rambling, hahaha. Anyway, to anyone who actually reads my blog, I think I've said what I wanted to say so now I'll just end this post with this video that kinda goes with this post:



Later, gators.

Happy Birthday to me!

Today (yesterday, by the time this posts), I turned this lovely number:

When I woke up this morning, I was feeling pretty depressed; 1) I found out on Friday that I had to work 12 hour shifts this weekend (obviously that didn't happen, seeing as I'm home writing this right now haha), and 2) I was spending my birthday alone. However, God helped improve my day :) First, I got my tattoo done. It didn't really hurt much, it just felt like someone was ripping off a piece of waxing paper slowly off my arm LOL. Anyway, the end result was REALLY good, and this is what it looks like:

The funny thing is that when he was done, it felt like that part of my arm was on fire lol. In case you couldn't tell, the tattoo is kinda on the larger part on my wrist.

After that, I went home and checked my mail. My family (my immediate family and my grandmother) sent me cards! And I also got a present from my parents! The cards were cute, especially the one from Arianna- she "signed" it :) When I called my mom today, I also got to talk to Arianna then, and she said "Happy Birthday", "hi", "how you doin", and "I love you." 
: D Needless to say, that was a highlight of my day.

At some point I went to the mall, and got a few things. My favorite find of the day? I bought a Team Jacob shirt from Hot Topic. Yes, I know I'm 23, I probably shouldn't be all teenager obsessed over Twilight, but have you SEEN Jacob??? That is one sexy mother (SHUT YOUR MOUTH hahaha!)... mmm mmm mmm Jacob Black *girly sigh* I could probably stare at you all day...

Okay. Now that I've fixed my Jacob Black picture fix...On to the rest of my day! I came across this amazingly dangerous bakery that's like a two minute drive from me: The Sweet Tooth Fairy.

 Of the cupcakes that are here, I got the red velvet cupcake (second from the left on that bottom row), and the strawberry shortcake (the one right above the red velvet)

Cakebites. I also had three of these, a coconut and peanut butter (?) one, a chocolate and fudge one, and a red velvet one!

The reason why I say this place is amazingly dangerous is because it is. The cakebites and the red velvet cupcake was like heaven in my mouth. Sooooo mouthwateringly delicious... I had the hardest time deciding what I wanted because EVERYTHING LOOKED SO GOOD! Like seriously, this bakery looked like it could've been on the Food Network Channel, or TLC. I will DEFINITELY go back there again (most likely numerous times, haha!)!!

I also had to work today, but thankfully we didn't work the full 12 hours (once again, that's obvious seeing as I'm posting this haha). All in all, today went from being pretty depressing to pretty darn awesome. It's so amazing to see how God can turn our sad days into happy days : D

And now, I think I will get ready for bed... Gotta get up for church!

Later gators!

Th Sensitive Doer and other personality test results that are oddly accurate...

Thanks to Katie for the link to the first personality test (which you can see *HERE*), and also to Chrissie, who had links to the first one and another one as well (the second one can be found -HERE-). What's interesting is that the Big Five test was oddly on point.

Shenise Edmonds's personality type: "Sensitive Doer"

Quiet, serious, sensitive and kind. Do not like conflict and not likely to do things which may generate conflict. Loyal and faithful. Extremely well-developed senses and aesthetic appreciation for beauty. Not interested in leading or controlling others. Flexible and open-minded. Likely to be original and creative. Enjoy the present moment.

Careers that could fit Shenise Edmonds include:

Artists, musicians, composers, designers, child care workers, social workers, counselors, teachers, veterinarians, forest rangers, naturalists, bookkeepers, carpenters, personal service workers, clerical supervisors, secretaries, dental and medical staffers, waiters and waitresses, chefs, nurses, mechanics, physical therapists, x-ray technicians.

For some reason the chart won't show up : / Oh well. The interesting thing about this one is in the careers. When I originally joined the Air Force, I wanted to have some type of administrative job, mainly in Personnel (how I ended up being a maintainer is still a mystery to me). I'm hoping that in the next few years, I'll be able to crosstrain into that job. Also, I have been a waitress before, and I actually enjoyed it. But maybe next time it won't be at a family restaurant...Or maybe I will. I don't know. That's if I were able to, probably not seeing as I'm in the military...Either way I do miss that job...

The other personality test was called the Big Five, and these are my results from that:

Big Five Test Results

Extroversion (22%) low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and private. Accommodation (56%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense of your own individual development (martyr complex). Orderliness (60%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, neat, structured and restrained at the expense too often of flexibility, variety, spontaneity, and fun. Emotional Stability (32%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Inquisitiveness (16%) very low which suggests you are overly small minded, traditional, and conventional at the expense too often of intellectual curiousity, possibility, and progress.

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personality tests by similarminds.com

 
Another link that came with this test is called RLOAN, and this is what that said:
 

RLOAN

(3.4% of women; 1.3% of men)

not spontaneous, prefers organized to unpredictable, reserved, fearful, unadventurous, anxious, insecure, plays it safe, more responsible than pleasure seeking, easily intimidated, risk averse, easily frightened, uncomfortable in unfamiliar situations, easily hurt, attached to conventional ways, maintains spaces in orderly manner, second guesses self, backs down when threatened, afraid of providing criticism, quiet around strangers, afraid to draw attention to self, worrying, overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions frequently, averse to crowds, private, easily moved to tears, fears failure, does not like arguments, unable to disregard rules, unable to speak up for self, embarrassed easily, easy to persuade, finishes most things they start, not good at telling jokes, not very curious, modest, depressed, feels ordinary, not wild and crazy, planner, prone to panic, organized, not big on philosophical discussions, skeptical, apologetic, values rules and regulations, prefers to finish things ahead of schedule, socially unskilled, inflexible, punctual


Those results where the ones that were oddly accurate about me (at least I think so). I find it a little bit creepy actually haha. But I guess that's all that I wanted to post for now. I'll probably post again at some point...

You are...Where???

I have a 6 year career in the Air Force (3 of which I will have completed on Friday). I'm working on my Bachelor's in English taking online classes. I have a 14 month old daughter. With all of this going on, you'd think I would have my life together, that I knew what I wanted to do with my life. Right? WRONG! Even though I have all of this going on, this is what I feel like right now:

The truth? I have NO CLUE what I'm doing. I mean, yeah I'm doing what I THINK I should be doing as far as going to school goes, but is it really what I WANT to be doing right now? I'm not going to lie, I'm not enjoying these online classes that I've been taking. I suppose it should be easier because I don't have to worry about driving to class, but to be honest- I miss that. I like physically interacting with teachers and students. Being able to get help right then if I need it...Just physically being around others that makes learning...fun. I feel that with online classes, I'm not really being held to much. Yeah, there are a few things that need to be done by certain days, but it's not the same as actually going to a class, you know? I miss that experience. All that being said, I don't even know if I WANT to study English anymore. I mean, yes I love to read and write, but what can I do with that once I'm out of the military? Teaching is out of the question, so I'm not left with much else... So I guess the question here is-Why am I taking classes right now when I don't even enjoy it? It is such a struggle to get my assignments done (and making sure they're done on time for that matter), doing the reading is a chore in itself... I just don't have the motivation to get it done. Is that a sign that taking classes just isn't for me? Most likely. I think once I finish this class, I'm talking to my academic advisor about taking a break from classes for a bit, or just withdrawing altogether.

There's not much that I can do about my current career... It has its good days and bad days (what job doesn't?), but with the way the economy is and how hard it is to find a job, I can't complain about being in the military. Although...I am counting down my time until I can retrain into a different job in the Air Force (only about two more years left!)... So there isn't much that I can do on that one.

When it comes to my daughter...I won't put that on here. But I WILL say that I'm comfortable with the decision that I've made. I just hope that some others will be too... I think they will though :)

All of that being said, I still feel lost! I'm turning 23 on Saturday, and while physically I feel like I'm 40, emotionally I feel like I'm still a teenager. I mean, there are people my age if not younger that are married and are starting families, or are working on their careers, or anything else to further their lives. Why does this seem so HARD for me?? Why is it that I have the hardest time staying motivated to do things that should IMPROVE my life (like studying for Staff Sargeant, for one; going to college for another)? *sigh*

OH! And lets not forget that I'm also trying to figure out where I am in my faith and what I actually believe without being influenced by the opinions of those around me. I'm trying to start from the beginning, and working up from my basic beliefs about Jesus Christ and the Bible... However, being in Utah, and also being that I'm technically still LDS, I feel indirectly pressured to continue going to either the single's ward or family ward even though I'm starting to rethink things. I'm not saying that the LDS faith is a lie, because who REALLY knows what's true and what's not? So for now, I am a non-denominational Christian. This is my starting block, and I will build from there. If it's in God's plan for me to follow a certain denomination, then that's what I will do. But for now, I am Christian.

I just can't believe that I'm turning 23 so soon... I feel like my life is going by SUPER fast, and there's no way for me to slow it down so I can actually enjoy it for once... I need time to figure out what I want to do with my life; I don't like the feeling of being lost like this!

Happy Easter!

(hahaha, I'm sorry I couldn't help myself ^.^)

So today I did things a little different... I went to a different church. It was actually really nice- totally different from what I'm used to, but I still enjoyed the atmosphere and the sermon (which is apparently the beginning of a 5 week series. I'm actually quite interested to hear more for the next few weeks) was thoughtful and definitely opened my eyes to a few things that I hadn't really thought about before, but came to mind from my scripture reading today, and what my parents have told me in the past (once again more proof that our parents actually know what they're talking about ha). My favorite verse (in this case, verses) is from 1 Corinthians 15: 17-18:

And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile;  you are still in your sins.

Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ are lost.

Pretty deep, right? I thought so. Anyway, my Easter has been pretty uneventful, but it's still a good day. Now, I think it's time for a nap.